Patricia Al-Fayarya, HR Director at Al-Qaeda, says that the cuts are necessary in order to maintain operational efficiencies, stating that “it is unfortunate that we have to let people go in this economic climate, but what these now redundant terrorists have to realise is that they were never even paid in the first place. They can still achieve their dreams – and the promise of virgins in the afterlife is not just an Al-Qaeda promise, but one that is made to all young terrorists, so we fully support them in their future ambitions. However, those ambitions will not be achieved with AQ.”

She continued: “We need to appreciate the fact that we are an extensive organisation and we need to keep an eye on costs. It’s not cheap flying all these kids out from Bradford to Afghanistan or Pakistan – and some of them want to fly first class as well. That’s not happening.”

The terrorist network will now focus its attention on the more profitable Middle East arena, with new offices opening up in Yemen and Somalia. However, due to the mass of local talent in the area, there will be no relocation opportunities for those made redundant in this latest round of job cuts.

The news at Al-Qaeda’s bomb factory in Wakefield was met with dismay. Wasim al-Killya said that he would go back to working at his Dad’s shoe factory until something came along: “It’s either that or the bakery, and I’ve got a slight allergy to wheat, so the shoe factory it is. It’s the third time I’ve been made redundant, too. I’ve applied to ETA, the real IRA, and even thought of starting my own SME terrorist business, so you know – things might happen soon.”

At least 200 terrorists joined the queues at the Job Centre in Bradford yesterday, on what was labelled “a somewhat chilling, but busy” day by Job Centre staff. “We simply couldn’t cope,” said Valerie Sansespoir, who works at the Job Centre. “They were coming in asking for any potential bombing opportunities, and the closest we could get was a part-time job as a demolitions executive down the road in Leeds, but they didn’t want to travel. These poor terrorists, I mean, they spend their lives training for one thing and then Al-Qaeda shut down half of their centres – no pun intended, but this unemployment thing is a ticking timebomb.”

“Some of them, however, have to downgrade their expectations. Al-Qaeda’s benefits package of unlimited virgins in the afterlife is great, but Gregg’s are offering retail vouchers and a free sausage roll for lunch every day, so it’s swings and roundabouts, really.”

“Actually, we’re quite tough”, said Mr Tiddles, spokesman for FUDGE, the Feline Understanding Democratic Group of Europe. “Calling us pussies all the time is having a real negative impact on our morale. We’re hard as nails, some of us, and if we had bigger paws, we’d box the crap out of you all. That’s why we’re launching our campaign today to promote feline understanding and encourage people not to use the word ‘pussy’ when referring to us.”

FUDGE has started to gain notoriety, partly as it is suspected to be the political wing of feline terrorist group CRAP, the Cat’s Righteous Action Party. Mr Tiddles denied any connection with the group, but has recently been seen supping milk from the same bowl as CRAP leader Percypoohs from no. 42.

“We have absolutely no links with CRAP”, he underlined. “Just because we sup at the same bowl, does not mean that we share the same views on maiming humans, dogs and other wild animals. FUDGE is a peaceful group dedicated to human-feline understanding. We just f-cking hate being called pussies, kittie-cats, cattywatties and other such stupid names while dogs get names like Fido, Killer and Brutus. Does that sound fair to you?”

CRAP leaders, however, have stated their aims that they will “scratch” to the death if they hear anyone calling them a pussy. Marxist guerilla cat “Ghengis”, pictured above, told reporters that “feline supremacy is all we ask for. That, and a bit of peace and quiet, some milk and decent food.

“By denigrating and belittling us all the time, humans are undermining our cause. I call upon all cats to leave furballs on pillows, to pooh on the edge of the cat litter tray, wee on plants and scratch anything that looks like it might get damaged. Only then will feline liberation be achieved.”

However, many cats are unmoved by FUDGE and CRAP’s latest stance. Snowball, who lives at no. 21, said he “could not be bothered” with all of this activist rubbish: “You know what, I’m a cat. Call me a pussy if you will, but at the end of the day, all I’m asking for is a place in the sun or a warm lap. I don’t need to go marching with placards or causing unnecessary distress to anyone.”

“Time was when you could get a Baghdad-Sana’a round trip for a handful of shekels” admitted the sock-bomber Mustafa al-Bomya Tubbitz. “Yes, you had to pay extra for your baggage, and there was a 5 rial charge for bomb-making equipment, but it was cheap, quick and easy. We’d go every other week if we could – Yemen’s great. Sun, sea, sand, terrorist action – you couldn’t really ask for more. Since the other week, though, prices have gone through the roof and none of us ordinary terrorists can afford the trip.”

Paradise Jets, who operated the route, say that their budget Yemen holiday for terrorists is “still the cheapest on the market”, and “offers great value for the sun-seeking Jihadist.” A spokesman for the company added “the war theatre is always expanding to include new exotic destinations. We’re looking to open up a route to Somalia very soon, and that will be a great budget getaway for your lower-paid terrorist who is looking for a place to blow things up.”

The airline has also extended its range of services in first class to include a “taste of paradise”, with virgin air hostesses and extra hand luggage allowance for those weapons that a passenger wants to keep a special eye on. “We don’t allow our passengers to blow themselves up on the plane”, added the spokesman, “but we do let them store their armoury in a safe, convenient place so that when they land, it will be in one piece.”

Al-Qaeda say that they are hoping to tie up a deal with Paradise Jets that would see prices lowered significantly when flights are booked at least three months in advance, but it appears that in the meantime, terrorists are grounded. “Yemen has become a real hotspot for terrorist tourists, with plenty of luxury caves along the south coast. It’s such a shame that prices have gone up so much, and nobody really wants to spend their jihad in Somalia”, said Al-Qaeda’s Head of Personnel and former “Glove Bomber”, Farid Al-Sackya. “It’s very important that these routes open up, not just for terrorist tourism, but for business too. We can’t all afford the first class travel, and we can’t afford to wait for the next Yemeni Ryanair to come along.”

In a short speech to shareholders yesterday, Jihad declared “Al Qaeda is always looking at ways not just to rationalise our business, but to sow the seeds of growth. That is why we are raising our terror level threat to ‘thinking about it’, which represents a paradigm shift in the way our business operates.”

Although nobody really knew what Jihad was talking about, the raising of the terror threat to ‘thinking about it’ from ‘mulling it over’ is the one significant piece of information to be gleaned. Three months ago, the threat was merely ‘would like to, but can’t be bothered’, and a year ago it was ‘having a break from it all’. Analysts say that Al Qaeda’s business during the last 12 months has “shrunk significantly”, and the appointment of a new, hardline Human Resources Director has been the catalyst for change within the organisation.

“They have been resting on their laurels somewhat”, said Rupert Bingestock of Analysts Bingestock & Bloom. “Remember that many young terrorists are actually quite lazy, and Al Qaeda’s operations are strung out all over the world – it’s very hard to motivate them and keep them engaged. Their new HRD, Patricia al-Fayarya, has some great ideas about employee engagement, and one of them appears to be raising the terror level. It appears to have worked.”

Indeed, some junior terrorists, with relatively little experience, suddenly find themselves in Al Qaeda’s firing line. One, who wished to remain unnamed, said “I’ve only been in the job two months, and now I have to prove myself to the new HRD. I can’t go back to the job centre saying that I wasn’t up to scratch – what will my parents think of me? I’d better think of doing something soon before they raise the terror level threat to ‘really thinking about doing something now’, which is what we’re all worried about.”

Home Secretary Alan Johnson declared that the government was ‘actively thinking’ about raising its own terror level to ’shit your pants people of Britain’, but warned that until terrorists raised theirs to ‘we’re coming to getcha’, he wouldn’t be sounding the panic button. “Let’s remember a few years ago when the level of threat was ‘we’re behind yooouuuu’, and the amount of pant-pooping that was done back then. We don’t want to go there.”

The new range of hostage holidays represents a break from Al-Qaeda tradition. The brochure proclaims “sun, sea or sand”, and a remarkably relaxing getaway for anyone who wants to hostage with Al-Qaeda. With resorts in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia, the terrorist network aims to be the global leader in hostage getaways.

CEO Osama Bin-Laden told the Daily Shame: “We’re really going upmarket here. Our market share in hostage holidays is not as high as it could be, so we’re hoping that our new resort in Yemen really does tickle the fancy of the busy, over-worked infidel who wants a nice, long and relaxing hostage getaway.”

“All of our resorts have Sky TV and broadband internet access – really fast, you can try it – and our customer service is second to none. In fact, it’s so good that some of our latest hostages have wanted to stay on rather than go home to their families.”

However, some members of Al-Qaeda are less than happy at the organisation’s new approach. One unnamed terrorist told us that “back in the day, we used to treat hostages with disdain. Now, we fluff up their pillows and even the radiators they are chained to are warmed. What’s the point? Being a terrorist used to be a laugh and all that. Now it’s just another job like being a barman. Last week we had three hostages at this centre, and I was getting them drinks. They loved it here. In the old days, I’d have slapped them senseless. Not now.”

But it’s the hostages who have the last word. We spoke to infidel businessman Gary “Fatcheeks” Young, who said “I’ve been here for over a year now, and I’m not looking forward to the day I leave. I’ve stayed in the Afghanistani Cave Resort, it’s wonderful. The way they’ve decorated the caves is superb – I just love the lighting.”

The attack took place at midday outside the local branch of TK Maxx. A bomb, made from cake mixture and “hundreds and thousands” was left in front of the store and exploded, leaving two men splattered and one man needing counselling. Shoppers ran for cover, fearing that the cake-bomb was the first of many, but were disappointed.

Shortly after the attack, a video appeared on the Anglican fundamentalist website extremistvicars.co.uk claiming that “all those who do not worship the Lord shall lead a rather average life” and that “if you do not follow the path of Jesus Christ, then I shall wag my finger at you”.

The alleged leader of the Anglican Fundamentalist group, Valerie Bin-Liner, said that the campaign was aimed at “all those who don’t attend church, i.e. everyone”. Police have been tracking Bin-Liner for the last two years, and have as yet been unsuccessful. Sightings have been frequent; latest reports say that she is hiding out in a box room in Cheltenham.

Anglican fundamentalism is growing in the UK. A group of women were arrested two months ago after putting excessive amounts of sugar in the tea of supposed “disbelievers”, while another woman was arrested after trying to ram her bicycle into the side of a nightclub.

An elderly man escaped the clutches of police officers after an attempt to hijack the number 51 bus to Gropple town centre. The driver, who has undergone counselling to recover from the harrowing experience, said “he approached me and said that he had a cake-bomb strapped to his waist and that I should divert the bus to Scrimpton. Naturally, I did as he asked – it was only the next village, and he appeared quite determined. The passengers were almost frightened – both of them. I kept my calm and drove the bus to Scrimpton, where he said ‘thank you’ in a menacing manner, and got off the bus. That’s when I called the police.”

Locals in Gutborough, however, are fearing another wave of Anglican attacks, and have been advised not to eat any cakes until the situation has eased.