“Actually, we’re quite tough”, said Mr Tiddles, spokesman for FUDGE, the Feline Understanding Democratic Group of Europe. “Calling us pussies all the time is having a real negative impact on our morale. We’re hard as nails, some of us, and if we had bigger paws, we’d box the crap out of you all. That’s why we’re launching our campaign today to promote feline understanding and encourage people not to use the word ‘pussy’ when referring to us.”

FUDGE has started to gain notoriety, partly as it is suspected to be the political wing of feline terrorist group CRAP, the Cat’s Righteous Action Party. Mr Tiddles denied any connection with the group, but has recently been seen supping milk from the same bowl as CRAP leader Percypoohs from no. 42.

“We have absolutely no links with CRAP”, he underlined. “Just because we sup at the same bowl, does not mean that we share the same views on maiming humans, dogs and other wild animals. FUDGE is a peaceful group dedicated to human-feline understanding. We just f-cking hate being called pussies, kittie-cats, cattywatties and other such stupid names while dogs get names like Fido, Killer and Brutus. Does that sound fair to you?”

CRAP leaders, however, have stated their aims that they will “scratch” to the death if they hear anyone calling them a pussy. Marxist guerilla cat “Ghengis”, pictured above, told reporters that “feline supremacy is all we ask for. That, and a bit of peace and quiet, some milk and decent food.

“By denigrating and belittling us all the time, humans are undermining our cause. I call upon all cats to leave furballs on pillows, to pooh on the edge of the cat litter tray, wee on plants and scratch anything that looks like it might get damaged. Only then will feline liberation be achieved.”

However, many cats are unmoved by FUDGE and CRAP’s latest stance. Snowball, who lives at no. 21, said he “could not be bothered” with all of this activist rubbish: “You know what, I’m a cat. Call me a pussy if you will, but at the end of the day, all I’m asking for is a place in the sun or a warm lap. I don’t need to go marching with placards or causing unnecessary distress to anyone.”

“Time was when you could get a Baghdad-Sana’a round trip for a handful of shekels” admitted the sock-bomber Mustafa al-Bomya Tubbitz. “Yes, you had to pay extra for your baggage, and there was a 5 rial charge for bomb-making equipment, but it was cheap, quick and easy. We’d go every other week if we could – Yemen’s great. Sun, sea, sand, terrorist action – you couldn’t really ask for more. Since the other week, though, prices have gone through the roof and none of us ordinary terrorists can afford the trip.”

Paradise Jets, who operated the route, say that their budget Yemen holiday for terrorists is “still the cheapest on the market”, and “offers great value for the sun-seeking Jihadist.” A spokesman for the company added “the war theatre is always expanding to include new exotic destinations. We’re looking to open up a route to Somalia very soon, and that will be a great budget getaway for your lower-paid terrorist who is looking for a place to blow things up.”

The airline has also extended its range of services in first class to include a “taste of paradise”, with virgin air hostesses and extra hand luggage allowance for those weapons that a passenger wants to keep a special eye on. “We don’t allow our passengers to blow themselves up on the plane”, added the spokesman, “but we do let them store their armoury in a safe, convenient place so that when they land, it will be in one piece.”

Al-Qaeda say that they are hoping to tie up a deal with Paradise Jets that would see prices lowered significantly when flights are booked at least three months in advance, but it appears that in the meantime, terrorists are grounded. “Yemen has become a real hotspot for terrorist tourists, with plenty of luxury caves along the south coast. It’s such a shame that prices have gone up so much, and nobody really wants to spend their jihad in Somalia”, said Al-Qaeda’s Head of Personnel and former “Glove Bomber”, Farid Al-Sackya. “It’s very important that these routes open up, not just for terrorist tourism, but for business too. We can’t all afford the first class travel, and we can’t afford to wait for the next Yemeni Ryanair to come along.”

In a short speech to shareholders yesterday, Jihad declared “Al Qaeda is always looking at ways not just to rationalise our business, but to sow the seeds of growth. That is why we are raising our terror level threat to ‘thinking about it’, which represents a paradigm shift in the way our business operates.”

Although nobody really knew what Jihad was talking about, the raising of the terror threat to ‘thinking about it’ from ‘mulling it over’ is the one significant piece of information to be gleaned. Three months ago, the threat was merely ‘would like to, but can’t be bothered’, and a year ago it was ‘having a break from it all’. Analysts say that Al Qaeda’s business during the last 12 months has “shrunk significantly”, and the appointment of a new, hardline Human Resources Director has been the catalyst for change within the organisation.

“They have been resting on their laurels somewhat”, said Rupert Bingestock of Analysts Bingestock & Bloom. “Remember that many young terrorists are actually quite lazy, and Al Qaeda’s operations are strung out all over the world – it’s very hard to motivate them and keep them engaged. Their new HRD, Patricia al-Fayarya, has some great ideas about employee engagement, and one of them appears to be raising the terror level. It appears to have worked.”

Indeed, some junior terrorists, with relatively little experience, suddenly find themselves in Al Qaeda’s firing line. One, who wished to remain unnamed, said “I’ve only been in the job two months, and now I have to prove myself to the new HRD. I can’t go back to the job centre saying that I wasn’t up to scratch – what will my parents think of me? I’d better think of doing something soon before they raise the terror level threat to ‘really thinking about doing something now’, which is what we’re all worried about.”

Home Secretary Alan Johnson declared that the government was ‘actively thinking’ about raising its own terror level to ’shit your pants people of Britain’, but warned that until terrorists raised theirs to ‘we’re coming to getcha’, he wouldn’t be sounding the panic button. “Let’s remember a few years ago when the level of threat was ‘we’re behind yooouuuu’, and the amount of pant-pooping that was done back then. We don’t want to go there.”