Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Fans of local side Shytte Orthopaedic have called for manager Frankie Acapella to step down after a humiliating defeat in a pre-season friendly against Bayer Arschloch of Germany. Acapella, who is thought to earn a three-figure salary, has resisted calls to resign, but a string of abject performances has left fans furious.
Shytte local council has announced a “multi-million” dollar deal with the widow of deceased Nigerian millionnaire King Moses Odiaka. The deal, which came as a surprise to both the council and the widow, will see Shytte Town Hall receive approximately $53m over the next three years.
Children from Our Lady’s Shytte-on-Sea Primary School will be putting on a special school play to commemorate the music of popular early 1980s indie band, Joy Division. The play, which culminates in the suicide and ultimate veneration of Ian Curtis, has been slammed by local religious groups as “probably quite a bad thing, ethically speaking”.
A love triangle has captured the imagination of locals in the Norfolk village of Shytte. Local toff Quentin Carruthers-Quietly has voiced concerns over his new liberal girlfriend, Shirley Middleground, claiming that she appears to be ’seeing’ her scruffy, working-class ex-boyfriend, Arthur Whippet.
Shytte resident Barry Hawkwind is at the centre of a diplomatic storm, claiming that Greece still owes him £5 from last summer. The metal-grinding father of three claims that Greece approached him for the loan in July of last year, and has made “no effort whatsoever” to return the money.
Yesterday’s grudge match between Shytte Rovers and Oxminster Acne ended 0-0 as all 22 players refused to acknowledge each other. A string of feuds and rivalries spilled over into a bitch-fest of blanking and pretending not to notice each other.
The local Shytte-on-Sea fire brigade has been given a “serious warning” after a blaze at the local fish shop turned nasty when they decided to fight fire with fire. The error was acknowledged by station manager Wayne Voracious, who claimed that he “thought it might be a good idea.”
Six months ago, Shytte Management Facilities Ltd. employed 500 people and was booming. Today, it employs just one person, an elderly gentleman of 64 years who resolutely refuses to retire, despite former colleagues beseeching him to do so.
The game between Shytte Rovers and Crapwater Snorkels in the Norfolk Exhaust Pipes League Division 2 came to an end yesterday after 32 minutes as players realised that nobody was actually watching them.
The parents of a Norfolk child who is expressing Conservative tendencies have expressed alarm. “He’s turning alarmingly free market”, said mother Ida Cackbeans. “Which is worrying, as he’s only 4 and has a vocabulary of just over 150 words.”
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
