The cost of the spelling mistake has been estimated at £100m, as scientists downed tools and stopped work while they recovered from their bout of laughter. CERN Head of Research Jean Aimarre told reporters that “while it was amusing at the time, we have to acknowledge that fifty people stopping work for two hours has set us back, well, two hours, in our quest to find the Higgs Boson particle.”

“This is unacceptable. We all had a chuckle, and that was great, but we’re not here to have fun. We’re here to work.”

The mistake was spotted early in the morning, shortly after the scientists’ coffee break had ended. Yves Remort, a researcher who has been working on the project since day 1, said “I was merely doing some routine maintenance work when I noticed that someone had written the ‘Hard-on Collider’. Well, I was in tears, I tell you.”

“I called a couple of my colleagues over and they had a look – they were in stitches. Funniest thing we’ve seen in ages. Well, I had no idea that a simple spelling mistake could result in two hours’ downtime!”

Within minutes, the entire CERN institute had downed tools and descended into fits of uncontrollable laughter. Two scientists fell of their chairs, resulting in minor injuries, while one had to leave the institute altogether, returning four hours later unsure of what was so amusing in the first place.

Jean Aimarre continued: “We like to keep things light here at CERN. Searching for the ‘God’ particle might sound like an interesting career path, but in truth, it’s hard work. So every Monday, we start off our day with a ‘how was your weekend’ meeting, and someone once sent round an e-mail that was quite titillating. So yes, we do know how to have fun.”

“Yesterday’s fun, however, got out of hand. I’ve already suspended three researchers who found it so funny, they even built upon the joke, saying they needed a ’stiff’ drink, and asking people if they had got a ‘rise’ recently.”

“While this is an amazing discovery,” admitted Peter Harthnacnut from the University of Shyttehampton, “we have to consider the ethical aspects here – do we really want parents playing God? I admit, if I found out that my unborn baby had, at a very early stage, the traffic warden gene, I would pay good money to have it removed somehow. This could lead to a flood of parents asking to have this gene eliminated in utero. So we’re opening up a whole can of worms.”

“But – and this is a bit but – it could lead to a more wholesome, less irksome and ultimately less despicable lifestyle for the child in question. Our research has uncovered serious bullying at school of those who carry the gene. In fact, that starts with sandpit bullying at a very early age. That is something we really have to consider.”

Genetic historians claim that the traffic warden gene can be traced all the way back to the French middle ages, and a village known as Les Enfoires, where inhabitants were shunned by the rest of society. According to local historical records, the inhabitants of Les Enfoires were “pencil-necked and pinch-nosed, with haletosis and a penchant for snooping on their neighbours”. Local historian Henri Sijemens said that life in 1300s Les Enfoires was “uncomfortable”, with a local militia intent on maintaining a clean society:

“They were really forced into a corner, and therefore forced to in-breed, simply because of their own behaviour,” said Sijemens. “They would impose fines on anyone caught sneezing in public, and woe betide anyone who dumped their toilet waste in the street. There are even records of mothers fining their own children after childbirth. They were quite happy to fine their own families, or even other members of the militia, and we thought that the gene had died out in the 1500s when everyone in the village was refusing to talk to each other. However, it seems some broke free, lay dormant for a couple of centuries and polluted the gene pool – potentially with the arrival of the Huguenots.”

“Many people think that the traffic warden gene is inherently French, but it’s definitely much more specific than that. It’s a special kind of French.”

Prospective parents, however, are hopeful that the breakthrough discovery can lead to a happier future for their children. Andrea and Charles Spittlehead from Shytte-on-Sea in Norfolk claim that they will “do anything” to prevent their offspring from becoming traffic wardens:

“We wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves if he turned out to be a traffic warden, and we’d turned down the possibility of doing something about it,” said Charles. “This discovery means we can take action before it’s too late.”

The scientists at the Swiss research centre have labelled it the “Alex Ferguson loophole”, saying that time and space surrounding football managers appears to act in entirely random ways, but can be measured using a simple equation.

“We were over the moon when we realised what we had come across”, said Ernst Undjung from the Centre de Recherches de Berne. “I mean, we’d been trying for months and it was the last chance saloon really, and then at the very last minute, we realised that time and space was acting in direct relation to the manager himself. For example, if his team is winning, he demands that time be shortened – if he deems it too long, he’ll fly into a fit of rage. If his team is losing, he demands that time be lengthened, and can sometimes be quite unreasonable. It’s definitely the Alex Ferguson phenomenon.”

The scientists mapped out the equation t=(mp*r)/4o in which time = the manager’s patience multiplied by the result, divided by the time allowed by the fourth official.

“It works every time”, said Undjung. “We measured it in the Manchester United – Leeds United game. For every reasonable person in the crowd, five minutes was just five minutes. But for Alex Ferguson, it was 10, maybe 15. When he realised it wasn’t 10 or 15, he flew into a fit of rage. However, the previous week when he was winning, he believed three minutes were one. Time had adapted itself! We were so overcome with joy!”

This is not the first time football managers have found themselves at the centre of a scientific storm. Arsene Wenger has provided scientists with myriad research on studies into blindness. Doctor Flingenmayer-Botschaft of the Stuttgart Institute for Research into Blindness has built almost an entire career around selective blindness, which regularly blights football managers:

“Arsene has been something of a test case of mine”, he said fondly. “We met a while back when Arsene came to me wondering what was happening to his eyes. It appeared that every time one of his team committed a foul, his eyes failed him. It was a horrible affliction. I don’t think we’re going to find a cure, though.”