The cost of the spelling mistake has been estimated at £100m, as scientists downed tools and stopped work while they recovered from their bout of laughter. CERN Head of Research Jean Aimarre told reporters that “while it was amusing at the time, we have to acknowledge that fifty people stopping work for two hours has set us back, well, two hours, in our quest to find the Higgs Boson particle.”

“This is unacceptable. We all had a chuckle, and that was great, but we’re not here to have fun. We’re here to work.”

The mistake was spotted early in the morning, shortly after the scientists’ coffee break had ended. Yves Remort, a researcher who has been working on the project since day 1, said “I was merely doing some routine maintenance work when I noticed that someone had written the ‘Hard-on Collider’. Well, I was in tears, I tell you.”

“I called a couple of my colleagues over and they had a look – they were in stitches. Funniest thing we’ve seen in ages. Well, I had no idea that a simple spelling mistake could result in two hours’ downtime!”

Within minutes, the entire CERN institute had downed tools and descended into fits of uncontrollable laughter. Two scientists fell of their chairs, resulting in minor injuries, while one had to leave the institute altogether, returning four hours later unsure of what was so amusing in the first place.

Jean Aimarre continued: “We like to keep things light here at CERN. Searching for the ‘God’ particle might sound like an interesting career path, but in truth, it’s hard work. So every Monday, we start off our day with a ‘how was your weekend’ meeting, and someone once sent round an e-mail that was quite titillating. So yes, we do know how to have fun.”

“Yesterday’s fun, however, got out of hand. I’ve already suspended three researchers who found it so funny, they even built upon the joke, saying they needed a ’stiff’ drink, and asking people if they had got a ‘rise’ recently.”

“While this is an amazing discovery,” admitted Peter Harthnacnut from the University of Shyttehampton, “we have to consider the ethical aspects here – do we really want parents playing God? I admit, if I found out that my unborn baby had, at a very early stage, the traffic warden gene, I would pay good money to have it removed somehow. This could lead to a flood of parents asking to have this gene eliminated in utero. So we’re opening up a whole can of worms.”

“But – and this is a bit but – it could lead to a more wholesome, less irksome and ultimately less despicable lifestyle for the child in question. Our research has uncovered serious bullying at school of those who carry the gene. In fact, that starts with sandpit bullying at a very early age. That is something we really have to consider.”

Genetic historians claim that the traffic warden gene can be traced all the way back to the French middle ages, and a village known as Les Enfoires, where inhabitants were shunned by the rest of society. According to local historical records, the inhabitants of Les Enfoires were “pencil-necked and pinch-nosed, with haletosis and a penchant for snooping on their neighbours”. Local historian Henri Sijemens said that life in 1300s Les Enfoires was “uncomfortable”, with a local militia intent on maintaining a clean society:

“They were really forced into a corner, and therefore forced to in-breed, simply because of their own behaviour,” said Sijemens. “They would impose fines on anyone caught sneezing in public, and woe betide anyone who dumped their toilet waste in the street. There are even records of mothers fining their own children after childbirth. They were quite happy to fine their own families, or even other members of the militia, and we thought that the gene had died out in the 1500s when everyone in the village was refusing to talk to each other. However, it seems some broke free, lay dormant for a couple of centuries and polluted the gene pool – potentially with the arrival of the Huguenots.”

“Many people think that the traffic warden gene is inherently French, but it’s definitely much more specific than that. It’s a special kind of French.”

Prospective parents, however, are hopeful that the breakthrough discovery can lead to a happier future for their children. Andrea and Charles Spittlehead from Shytte-on-Sea in Norfolk claim that they will “do anything” to prevent their offspring from becoming traffic wardens:

“We wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves if he turned out to be a traffic warden, and we’d turned down the possibility of doing something about it,” said Charles. “This discovery means we can take action before it’s too late.”

Doctors at the Los Angeles Institute for Randy Males (LAIR) say that the first-of-its-kind operation only has a 50% chance of success. The libido of a 19-year-old boy will be transplanted into Michael Douglas’s body tomorrow afternoon, and surgeons are praying that the body will accept it.

“Basically,” said Doctor Lechworth, “we’re looking at a 50-50 type situation here. The libido can be extracted from the 19-year-old boy, leaving him with a zero percent chance of having any kind of mojo whatsoever for the rest of his life, and inserted into Douglas’s groinal area. From that point onwards, we’re entering unknown territory and we hope the Gods are with us. We have absolutely no idea if the operation is going to work or not – we’ve never done it before – but hey, if it does, we expect the queues to stretch around the block.”

Douglas appreciates the risks, and the possible side-effects that result from a libido transplant. Doctors have warned him that his body may reject the libido entirely, leaving him in a drooling, near-comatose state for weeks. Alternatively, the boy’s libido may stimulate what is left of Douglas’s own libido, effectively leaving him with a double mojo effect that surgeons claim could be “disastrous”.

“The double mojo is something that we’re all hoping to avoid. The results could be catastrophic. In theory, Michael could go rampant, developing a sex drive that is beyond anything we have seen, even in Italy. We’ve advised the police of this potentially dangerous situation and they have promised us that in the case of a double mojo event happening, they will dedicate extra resource to restraining Douglas.”

The 19-year-old boy whose libido will enter Michael Douglas tomorrow is 98-kilo fat-boy Connor Scabric, from San Diego. Connor says that he is “delighted” that his libido will be helping Michael Douglas to have at least one final poke at Zeta-Jones, saying “I’d have no chance doing it on my own.” He continued: “So long as my libido remains within me, it’s wasted, basically. I do get this twitching feeling down there, but I have no idea what it looks like, or what it’s capable of. Heck, man, I like the ladies, but I’ve got to accept that I ain’t going to get it on with Zeta-Jones unless I donate my libido to someone who can.”

Scabric’s parents are delighted with their son’s lifestyle choice. Father Caleb says “the good Lord meant for Michael Douglas to have my son’s libido. And there’s plenty of it. Only last week we discovered some dirty magazines hidden under his bed, and we did ask Connor if he wanted just a partial libido transplant – he said no, he was happy to donate the full libido.”

“To think that Michael Douglas is finally going to be able to get it back on with Zeta-Jones, well… we’re so happy we’re able to help.”

“It’s a huge step forward”, explained Ricardo Ballcock, editor of the Lancet. “Da Lancet 4 Kidz is really going to set us apart from all those other medical journals like, uhh… that one… thingy. It’s a chance for us to talk to the scientists of tomorrow, the doctors of the future, if you will. And yes, it does feature a regular column from Rainbow’s Zippy on Genitourinary cancer – that’s just something Zippy has wanted to get off his chest for a long time.”

The magazine leads off with a feature on “Autizm”, called “Be nice 2 da autiztic kidz”, which gives ten good reasons to be nice to children who have autism, and explains the link between MMR and Autism in cartoon form. A hastily added endnote to the cartoon states “dis mite not b true”.

“This is clearly in bad taste”, explained the editor in chief of the British Medical Journal, Tony O’Grandcock. “A feature on randomized drug trials that is told by Barney the Dinosaur is just plain dumbing down. And frankly, why they think children need to know about irritable bowel disease is beyond me – especially when it happens to Paddington Bear!”

Children, however, appear to love the new magazine. Tarquin Rupert Haverstockford-West, aged 9, from Henley-on-Thames, said that he was “overjoyed” to read the short story about Sleeping Beauty and the Coronary artery bypass surgery compared with percutaneous coronary interventions for multivessel disease: “I think it’s ace”, he beamed. “I’m going to get daddy to buy it for me every month. I especially liked the bit where one of the seven dwarves contracts ischaemic heart disease. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.”

Ballcock said that kids everywhere will love the new magazine, saying “we’re even going to release a YouTube channel where kids can sing along to songs like ‘I Left My Chronic Pancreatic Cancer in San Francisco’ and ‘Do the Venous Thromboembolism Dance’. It’s a whole new market, and none of them are ever going to sue us if we cock this one up.”

“Just one of her outfits produces more carbon emissions than a flight from Helsinki to Vancouver”, said leading scientist Ralph Quornbake, who has spent the last six months watching nothing but Lady Gaga videos. “In fact, all this talk of climate change coincides rather neatly with the ascendancy of this miniature pop star. Have you seen the amount of plastic that goes into making just one outfit? That’ll just end up in China in a junk yard with the rest of her clothes.”

“In short, Lady Gaga is perhaps the most dangerous thing on the planet right now, short of a major earthquake or tsunami.”

Lady Gaga, who was unavailable for comment, allegedly ships all of her discarded outfits on a tanker to China where they are hacked up and left to rot, producing dangerous greenhouse damages. As many of them are non-biodegradable, they will cause the planet irreperable damage. Chinese children play on the “Gaga Wastelands”, as they are now known, and can be found playing games with radioactive shoulder-pads, and hide-and-seek in a pair of boots.

Indeed, the phenomenon in China has reached such proportions that crack squads of highly trained professionals are being called in to defuse items of her clothing. Fi Lin Xiq of the Gaga Response Unit (GRU) heads a team of Gaga Disposal Experts in Shanghai, and told the Daily Shame that “last week, we found a pair of knickers that had such a magnetic force on them, they were pulling in cutlery from 20 miles away. It was quite a scene, with knives and forks and spoons flying from all directions. Why didn’t we just stick to bamboo chopsticks instead of this westernised cutlery rubbish?”

Quornbake concluded that there is hope: “There are solutions for Lady Gaga – at least on this issue. She could have her clothes broken up and recycled. For example, we’ve found that one outfit alone could provide twenty African children with shelter, and the firework nipples could provide warmth for the homeless people on the streets of London. All she has to do is think outside the box.”

A spokesman for Lady Gaga said that they were looking into ways of rationalising her outfits, but countered that “we employ over 500 people just to create one outfit – just think about the boost that’s giving to the economy. Has anyone mentioned that? All of these people that would be scrubbing around on the floor looking for pennies in desperation and we’re giving them good, honest work.”

“There is incontrovertible evidence”, says leading feline expert Mark Wretched-Jones. “If they had the chance, we’d be dead meat.”

Scientists carried out experiments on cats, giving them temporary opposable thumbs. At first, the cats appeared apprehensive as they learned how to operate the thumbs, but after a few minutes, they quickly went to the kitchen draw, got out a knife and started chasing the scientists around the lab.

“We believe that Mother Nature has taken their opposable thumbs away for a good reason”, said Wretched-Jones. “Even the fat cats, once they have lifted their enormous stomachs, have already devised ways of trying to kill us. Mr Tiddles, for example, may weight in at 35kg, but he still managed to find the rat poison in the cupboard and mix it into my food using a spoon while I wasn’t looking.”

There are, however, advantages to the new opposable thumbs. Several cats have become completely independent of their owners, mixing up meals that they could only have dreamed of without the thumbs. One cat known as “Futwick the Cat” whipped up a rabbit fricassee with fresh herbs and mustard, while others have reaped the benefits by learning how to plump up their own cushions.

However, it is clearly murder that is uppermost on the feline brain. Two scientists remain held hostage in the laboratory after two cats named George and Pudding ran amok with a set of kitchen knives. Whether the pussies are demanding ransom terms or not is unknown at this time, as no one understands their caterwauling.

“We thought we’d found it last night”, said Herr Botschaft van Potsdam. “But as soon as we got there, all we found was a note saying “Sorry I missed you, hugs and kisses, H-B.” He mused before adding “H-B is clearly the name it goes by.”

Higgs Boson - loves a laugh

“We did find the Biggins particle, which is extremely gay,” said Botschaft van Potsdam. “And that was then followed by the Edmonds particle, which stuck around for ages, annoying the shit out of us, before disappearing for ages and then reappearing even more annoying that before. That one really was a complete shit”.

“The day we do find it, we’ll probably end up buying it a drink.”

However, the Higgs-Boson particle has proved the most elusive. Baffled scientists arrived at the southern part of the Hadron collider to find graffiti proclaiming “Scientists suck”, along with beer cans and cigarette butts.

“It could only have been Higgs-Boson”, said Professor Edwyn Thruxbury-Juggs. “The day we do find it, we’ll probably end up buying it a drink and having a laugh about all those jolly japes.”