Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Work on the giant Hadron Collider ceased for two hours yesterday after an eagle-eyed researcher spotted a spelling mistake that sent fellow scientists into uncontrollable laughter.
Scientists claim to have isolated a gene unique to traffic wardens. The discovery of the “traffic warden” gene has been hailed as “remarkable” by the genetics community, and could lead to parental pre-natal choice to help their children avoid growing up into traffic wardens.
Michael Douglas is set to enter hospital next week for a revolutionary libido transplant. The 92-year-old actor, who is married to Welsh actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, is said to be “hopeful” that the transplant will give him a new lease of life in the bedroom.
Fresh from the MMR/Autism scandal, the medical journal The Lancet is embroiled in further controversy after allegations were made of “dumbing down”. The journal is seeking to expand its audience by unveiling a new magazine “Da Lancet 4 Kidz”, written almost entirely in text-speak.
Scientists have issued warnings that the continuing popularity of Lada Gaga could be causing the planet “serious, horrible damage” with “untold, wretched consequences”. The report, published by some magazine or other, states that the bizarrely-clad pop vixen is even more dangerous than fossil fuels and the melting of the ice caps put together.
Research has revealed what everyone feared in the first place – that cats, if they could, would kill us all. “There is incontrovertible evidence”, says leading feline expert Mark Wretched-Jones. “If they had the chance, we’d be dead meat.” Scientists carried out experiments on cats, giving them temporary opposable thumbs. At first, the cats appeared apprehensive as they learned how to operate the thumbs, but after a few minutes, they quickly went to the kitchen draw, got out a knife and started chasing the scientists around the lab.
Scientists at the CERN centre in Switzerland say that the elusive Higgs-Boson particle loves to have a “laugh and a drink”, and is in fact one of the cheekiest particles they have ever tried to find.
An apology to a Man Whose Name is an Anagram of Go Wank
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
