Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
A spate of charitable acts in the kingdom of Satan has resulted in a crackdown from the Dark Lord himself. Satan yesterday pledged to do his utmost to bring to a halt this ‘worrying trend’.
Senior researchers at the Murdoch Institute of Truth (MIT) have discovered that Nick Clegg eats babies in a satanic ritual as old as time itself. The Liberal Democrat leader, whose bounce in the polls is “nothing”, according to MIT, also runs grannies over in his car, and stuffs money up his own arse.
A local man is today recovering after being beaten up over his alleged ambiguity over Heather Mills. A heated conversation at the Wyvern pub in Shytte-on-Sea turned ugly as painter and decorator Carlos Pipedream refused to rule out the possibility that she was not the spawn of Satan.
A Berkshire-based Satanist claims that he is being unfairly treated at work after being told he could neither wear his devil horns nor bring his trident into work. The man, who works as a check-in assistant at Heathrow airport, claims that he is being discriminated against.
The Advertising standards agency has slammed Marks and Spencer after it was revealed that their new Christmas adverts contain subliminal messages encouraging consumers to eat more trans fats, and in one shocking scenario, worship the devil.
Sinners have hit out at plans to close Hell for six weeks due to renovations. The plans, drawn up by Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, are said to be “spicy” and “fun”, but have been met with widespread alarm by many. “Where are we meant to go?” asked fraudster Nigel “Fingers” Winchester. “Hell is my home, and uncomfortable is it is, no plans have been made to re-house us during this period. I mean, sure, there’s Milton Keynes, but I’ve been there on my last three holidays and I’m not going back.”
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
