Tight bastard Michael O’Leary said “they’ll be getting fuck all from me, other than a hearty handshake, a slap on the back, and a ‘top of the morning to you’. After that, they’re on their own. If they choose to stay in expensive hotels while we can’t take them home, that’s their choice. Myself, I slept in a field and ate off the land.”

O’Leary, who claims he was stranded in the south of France, claims to have ‘gone native’, sleeping underneath the stars and killing local children for his supper. Locals claim to have seen a graying Irishman running naked between the trees.

“I did it – so they can do it – and I’m not giving them a fucking penny. You see these bastards that get on my planes, they think they bloody own them. These assholes who ate in restaurants and got all swanky – it’s not my bloody fault.”

Ryanair passengers somehow appeared shocked that they were not going to be reimbursed for their enforced stay. Regular Ryanair jet-setter Shirley Offaltastic said “it’s disgusting. The least I expect is that they reimburse my hotel but when I got on the flight, the crew told me to go shit myself a new head. Now, I know they’re budget and all that, but doubling the price of drinks on the flight? That’s unfair.”

Another Ryanair passenger, Chris Tumor from Yorkshire, said that he was left stranded in Italy for over a week, and didn’t even receive his “hearty handshake”:

“That’s the least I expected – but when I got on the flight, they pushed me to the ground, ripped my wallet out of my inside pocket, rifled through it and took everything out. The head of the ‘crew gang’ then threw my empty wallet back at me and laughed. Well – that’s standard Ryanair policy apparently.”

“I don’t know if I’ll fly Ryanair again. Well, maybe I will. Actually, yes, I will.”

“Time was when you could get a Baghdad-Sana’a round trip for a handful of shekels” admitted the sock-bomber Mustafa al-Bomya Tubbitz. “Yes, you had to pay extra for your baggage, and there was a 5 rial charge for bomb-making equipment, but it was cheap, quick and easy. We’d go every other week if we could – Yemen’s great. Sun, sea, sand, terrorist action – you couldn’t really ask for more. Since the other week, though, prices have gone through the roof and none of us ordinary terrorists can afford the trip.”

Paradise Jets, who operated the route, say that their budget Yemen holiday for terrorists is “still the cheapest on the market”, and “offers great value for the sun-seeking Jihadist.” A spokesman for the company added “the war theatre is always expanding to include new exotic destinations. We’re looking to open up a route to Somalia very soon, and that will be a great budget getaway for your lower-paid terrorist who is looking for a place to blow things up.”

The airline has also extended its range of services in first class to include a “taste of paradise”, with virgin air hostesses and extra hand luggage allowance for those weapons that a passenger wants to keep a special eye on. “We don’t allow our passengers to blow themselves up on the plane”, added the spokesman, “but we do let them store their armoury in a safe, convenient place so that when they land, it will be in one piece.”

Al-Qaeda say that they are hoping to tie up a deal with Paradise Jets that would see prices lowered significantly when flights are booked at least three months in advance, but it appears that in the meantime, terrorists are grounded. “Yemen has become a real hotspot for terrorist tourists, with plenty of luxury caves along the south coast. It’s such a shame that prices have gone up so much, and nobody really wants to spend their jihad in Somalia”, said Al-Qaeda’s Head of Personnel and former “Glove Bomber”, Farid Al-Sackya. “It’s very important that these routes open up, not just for terrorist tourism, but for business too. We can’t all afford the first class travel, and we can’t afford to wait for the next Yemeni Ryanair to come along.”

“It’s quite simple”, said CEO Dermot O’Bonehead, “the majority of our customers are Irish, many of them are ginger, we need to make as much cash as possible to keep the planes in the air, you do the maths, dumbo.” However, when asked about the new £20 charge for “looking scruffy”, O’Bonehead was more evasive. “Well, obviously if you do turn up looking ragged, there’s an emotional element we have to consider there. Basically, it’s up to the discretion of the check-in staff. If you look like an ape, you either pay or you feck off.”

Head of the Aviation Industry Watchdog, Oswald Attendant-Bear, told the Daily Shame that some of the new charges were “absolutely bang out of sausage”, adding that “Ryanair make a song and dance over their tuppence ha’penny flights, but they always fail to mention the fact that you’ll get charged for walking slowly towards the plane, and there’s a £3 charge if you don’t say hello to the cabin crew. What’s most ridiculous of all is that they’re also charging people £50 for a seat – there’s no option for standing yet, but I bet you they’re considering it.”

Ryanair’s website does mention that you can avoid some of these charges if you accept to pay with a Bank of Ireland student “ultra flexi” card, and you can avoid many of the on-flight charges if you accept being punched repeatedly in the face by one of the cabin crew. Only five people in the whole of Ireland hold this card, and none of them have ever flown.

“If you get on looking scruffy”, said O’Bonehead, “it’ll cost you, unless you say you’re up for being smacked around a bit. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Other flight operators are getting in on the game. Wonkyjet tells its passengers that they will receive an obligatory slap before boarding, but can avoid this by signing up for “Slap-free boarding”. A spokesman for the operator said “nobody likes being punched before they get on the flight. This way, by paying a little extra, passengers can achieve piece of mind and enjoy their flight without red cheeks or embarassment. It’s a small price to pay..” However, for a family of four to get on a Wonkyjet flight, it would cost a whopping £40 extra each way.

BonkAir has gone a step further and is now asking passengers £10 in order to get off the aircraft. Their CEO, Hans Scheissman told the Daily Shame that it was “common practice” where he comes from, and that £10 is small beer compared to the £20 charge they apply for getting on the aircraft.