“She was not impressed,” said an insider at Buckingham Palace. “Mr Zuma was coming on strongly, making all kinds of suggestions – in fact, he was quite a charmer at first, but then he just got lewd and suggestive – and there’s no way Betty would have anything to do with him. However, he did manage to marry five of the staff downstairs in a whirlwind session of lovemaking and contractuals, so fair play to him.”

Sources close to the Queen say that Zuma made his first approach at the dinner table, asking the Queen if she fancied “a bit of how’s your father”, which was rebuffed with a “never you mind you dirty little man.” The libidinous President would not take no for an answer, however, and continued to press, asking the Queen how she liked it, and whether she’d prefer just to be a “second grade wife”, Zuma’s pet name for his “reserve team” of wives, whom he visits only on rare occasions. Over dessert, Zuma made his pitch for the Queen to become one of his wives, handing her a brochure, a prospectus, and an enquiry form that she would have to fill out. He waved the pen in front of her, saying “I’ll even let you keep the pen – you’re special.” The Queen refused to sign.

On the croquet lawn, Zuma persisted, making suggestive swings of the croquet mallet at the Queen, who looked away in disgust. Prince Phillip then slapped him on the back, asked him if he wanted a drink, and told him to “keep plugging away,” adding: “that’s how I got her, old boy.” Indeed, the two appeared to strike quite a friendship.

The Queen then locked herself away in her bedroom while Zuma humped the door knob, apparently blocking out the noise with her iPod. Zuma gave up at approximately 3am, and left, only to send dirty text messages throughout the early hours of the morning.

A spokesman for Jacob Zuma told reporters that “Jacob is a man, like any other, only more so. He needs his oats, so to speak – if we have caused offence, we apologise. However, Jacob has amassed a stunning 32 brides so far in his visit to the UK, and we hope that he has spread his seed sufficiently for us to move on to the next country.”

The Loi Papillon comes into force immediately with a fine of £700 for anyone caught wearing a bow tie in public, except for public carnivals and fetes nationals. Fines, however, would be doubled for wives who force their husbands or sons to wear bow ties in public.

Sarkozy yesterday underlined France’s new hardline stance against the bow tie by declaring that the “noeud papillon is a sign of British subservience that is not welcome in France. The bow tie alienates non-bow tie wearers, and it looks kind of stupid.”

The law is backed by the parliamentary majority UMP, whose leader Jean Aimarre, who claims that the bow tie is “the very embodiment of property”, adding “have you ever really looked at a man in a bow tie? How silly does he look? If anything, the bow tie is a plot against France, and we need to eradicate it by force.”

“This law sends a clear message that we will not allow men to make fools of themselves.”

The French Socialist Party said that it agrees that bow ties are “un-French” and “emasculating”, but stressed that it could not possibly come to an agreement on what to do about it, as it was still fighting about who should have the last biscuit. Socialist leader Ophelia Couilles told the Daily Shame: “yes, it’s bad, but there’s only one Bourbon biscuit left and we’re all squabbling about it so leave us alone for a couple of years, will you?”

Expatriate Dandy Sir Francis de Powell III of Cornwall, the only man to wear a bow tie in France, is said to be “outraged”, and is considering alternative attire.