The Axminster family from Chelmsford entered Ikea in 2007, not knowing that that cold January morning would be the last day they would breathe the crisp London air for three full years. Unable to find the exit, they lived in the store, and even developed their own form of language, a cross-breed between Essex English and Swedish.

Humanitarian groups had campaigned rigorously on behalf of the family who disappeared without trace after just thirty minutes in the store.

Shumi Chukkyberty of IkeaAid said “Today is not a day to be celebrated, it is a day to remember that by going out for a Billy bookcase, you may not return within three years. Quentin Axminster took his family to Ikea not knowing the risks he was running. He today leads his family out of the Wembley Ikea store and we can only imagine the hell he has been through.”

The family are believed to have survived on a diet of scavenged Swedish meatballs and cranberry. It is believed that they befriended a chef who regularly supplied them with mashed potato.

Youngest son Ryan, aged 12, is believed to have gone feral after twelve months, and frightened customers reported seeing a “wolf boy” darting among the Leksvik tables.

“Yes, we had heard stories of the Axminster family”, reported Ikea employee Sven Sverigesson. “But nobody really believed it was true that they were still in the store, despite what Gordon Brown was saying. It was like something Ikea employees tell their kids to scare them… I mean, we can’t find the way out either, and many of us live in the basement down by the kitchen units, but none of us ever saw them for real. Apart from one day, maybe, when I heard a voice saying ‘get me cranberries, get them now’. But we hear that a lot.”

Other Ikea employees, however, reported ghostly sightings of a woman dressed in nothing but Mokern bath towels.

For now, though, the family are just happy to be home. A spokesman for the Axminsters said that they “had been through hell and back” trying to find the exit, and gave up after a year of trying. They have no axe to grind with the Ikea government, though, and are reportedly looking forward to the opportunity to go back and finish off the “build your own” kitchen that father Quentin had started.

He added: “what’s more, they forgot to pick up the Bekvam kitchen trolley, which is one of the reasons they went there in the first place, so they’ve got to go back anyway.”

“The potato has come in for some stick”, says Alfred Tuberhugger of the BPB. “But we want to tell people that potatoes are great and can be used in any way, shape or fashion. Why, I’ve built my house out of potatoes.”

The campaign, fronted by Midlands celebrity and spud-face Adrian Chiles, will cost the BPB several tens of pounds, promoting safe potato usage and suggesting innumerable ways of using the versatile veggie. It also suggests labelling the potato as a “mega-veg” to boost sales in the lucrative healthfood sector.

“We’re hoping people will start drinking potato smoothies”, says spud-fan Chiles. “But it’s not just for food. I use mashed potato instead of shaving cream, and I use baked potatoes instead of paper weights. I’m even hoping that my special potato bake will help me woo Christine Bleakley. She’s Irish, sort of, so I bet she’ll love it.”