“Who on earth thought of getting a Victoria sponge”, screamed an irate Gerry Adams. “What a lazy lack of foresight from a bunch of short-sighted idiots who didn’t even think ahead. What’s more, the DUP are getting more icing than us, and that’s just a f-cking disgrace. It’s a f-cking waste of our time, but we thought we had to sign the cake-sharing deal quickly otherwise it would go mouldy. That’s Gordon Brown’s fault. All of it’s Gordon Brown’s fault. The stupid slack-jawed goggle-faced arse has mucked this whole cake process up.”

The cake, which was prepared by Sarah Brown, the Prime Minister’s wife, sat on the negotiating table throughout the dispute uneaten. As the week went on, the cake gradually became more stale, but both sides in the debate become even further entrenched. Sinn Fein were demanding a slice of the cake that was larger than the 50% originally proposed by the DUP, whose representative at the table, Peter Robinson, was adamant that a fair deal had been struck.

“There’s more of us, therefore we get at least a little bit more icing, and at least one more candle than Sinn Fein. Also, we want any spillage from the filling that occurs. That’s only natural, like I say, there’s more mouths to feed on this side, and offering Sinn Fein 50% of the cake was a gesture. A very kind one.”

Disagreements continued throughout the week, with Sinn Fein demanding a sharper knife after backing down from their original demands for 100% of the cake. Martin McGuinness was particularly angry at the climbdown, berating Gordon Brown for his part in the cake-sharing process: “How dare he? How f-cking dare he?” he shouted. “Everyone knows that Sinn Fein is the party of good cakes, and that the DUP don’t give a flying toss about Victoria Sponge, with or without icing. And what happens? We come down to 50% of the cake, less icing, no extra filling in case of overspill, and absolutely no promise of future cake.”

A tired Gordon Brown apparently insisted throughout the week that everyone “just have a little slice” to taste the cake first, but both parties refused, saying that “it’s a fair share or no share”. Brown then invited them to sample other cakes that Sarah had made, including muffins, cupcakes and brownies, all of which caused further consternation on the side of Sinn Fein. DUP representatives, however, wiggled their fingers in the air proclaiming “oooooh! cupcakes!” and licked their lips hungrily in anticipation of the tasty treats.

Gerry Adams underlined the unfairness: “Here we are debating a Victoria Sponge, and Brown waltzes in with trays full of other cakes just to confuse us – nay, dazzle us – well, we’re not having it! This is supposed to be a deal that represents mutual cooperation and respect. If anything, it promotes unhealthy eating, unfair sharing and more cake for the DUP!”

“I’m just glad we’re out of there”, said Adams. “The cake was going off and was starting to smell. And Martin hadn’t showered for days.”

“We have no idea how deep this thing runs”, says Ulster’s Head of Food Things, Gerry O’Belch. “Iris Robinson had her claws dug deep into the industry, with a network of 19-year-old boys running restaurants and cafes and bars, and it was all propped up by this constant flow of cash.”

Seventeen more teenagers last night admitted that they had slept with Iris Robinson in exchange for cheques worth several tens of thousands of pounds. One, little Dougie McCheeseburger, had used the money to start up his restaurant “The Iris” as a sign of his devotion to the errant wife of the First Minister.

“I thought I was alone”, says McCheeseburger, “but she was funding every restaurant in the town, the dirty old bat. I feel used.”

O’Belch said that she had created an illusion of good times for the industry: “It was all looking so good. Nobody even stopped to question how so many teenage boys were all of a sudden owning restaurants and running them, they just got on with it and they were doing so well. And then, all of a sudden, they started getting text messages from the First Minister’s wife saying that she wanted the money back.”

Robinson’s plan to dominate the restaurant trade appears to have backfired after a dodgy curry at one of her protégé’s restaurants. Amir Fling, whose six-month affair with Robinson came to an end after he allowed two gay people into his restaurant, said “what a terrible evening that was. I’d put too much chilli in her curry, and she was already fuming. Then my two friends Jeremy and Gus came into the restaurant, and she blew her top. Give me back my money, she started screaming, give me back my money.”

Robinson then racked up phone bills that ran into triple figures texting every restaurant in Northern Ireland, saying “if I had an affair with you, I want my money back.”

O’Belch concluded that the boom time is over now that Robinson has been found out: “We look a bit foolish really. Before Robinson, it was just chips and beans. During Robinson, it was jus and truffles. After Robinson, well I guess we’re just going to go back to chips and beans.”