Dear Readers,

A few months ago, we posted an article which boldly claimed that Nick Clegg eats babies. In the article, we detailed at length how the Liberal Democrat leader and now Deputy Prime Minister would stalk the streets of Sheffield slavering at the chops in search of newborn blood.

We now realise that we were correct, and would like to apologise. The Daily Shame strives to make every effort to report lies, falsehood and exaggeration to satiate our readers’ lust for something other than the truth, and we regret that this aberration may tarnish our reputation for not telling the truth. We apologise wholeheartedly for any disappointment that our article back in April may have caused.

You see, we thought it would be funny. We thought it would be amusing to poke fun at the establishment’s scoriating tirade on a young man who speaks dangerous foreign languages and risked turning the General Election into something other than a Tory victory. We believed that by exaggerating the voracity of the establishment’s campaign against the Liberal Democrat leader, we would potentially amuse a few people. We had no idea that the accusations were true.

Nick Clegg does indeed eat babies, and he does indeed take part in Satanic rituals in which he worships the Lord Beelzebub. We also reported that he burns virgins on Hampstead Heath every Saturday night, and this is also unfortunately true. He also believes that British people should be thrown out of their own country and replaced with paedophile immigrant Muslims in burqas and Polish benefits claimants. We reported this believing it to be untrue, and we are shocked to discover that this is what he plans to unleash on the country.

Worst of all, however, we revealed that he ridiculously believed the war in Iraq to be illegal. What a nonce.

We have launched an internal investigation into these truthful reports, and can assure our loyal readers that in future, all sources will be rigorously checked for lack of facts, inaccuracy and shortage of detail. We have created a number of processes through which we will ensure that no truth whatsoever shall be reported on these pages, and once more, we are truly, very, deeply, horribly sorry.

Yours,

The Daily Shame

“It’s disgusting,” spat Cameron, before calling his butler for a mint julep. “Setting up a tribute page for someone who set up a tribute page for a murderer is probably worse than murder itself. In fact, it’s worse than homicide. The person who set up this tribute page to Siobhan O’Dowd is a sicko. Plain and simple, and if I see a tribute page to the man who set up the tribute page to the woman who set up the tribute page for Raoul Moat, I’ll ask the public to create a new law.”

Nick Clegg said something similar but nobody really cares anymore. At the same time, Facebook released a press statement saying that “it’s a social networking site”, before adding, “live with it.”

Ramshackle Armstrong, the man who set up the tribute page to Siobhan O’Dowd, is currently in hiding after vigilante gangs threatened to tear him limb from limb. Daily Mail reader Barry Monculpue travelled 182 miles to batter the crap out of the man who set up a tribute page to the woman who set up a tribute page to Raoul Moat.

“I’ll eat him alive,” dribbled Monculpue. “That sick, sick bastard. Now I’m no racist, but I’d rather have immigrant paedos in burquas come over here and burgle us senseless, steal our jobs and turn us into a Muslim Nazi state than sickos like this bastard. We’re not safe as long as he’s alive.”

Armstrong’s last Facebook message before he took flight was a conciliatory one, saying “I do not condone setting up a tribute page to a murderer, nor do I condone setting up a tribute page to a woman who set up a tribute page to a murderer. It’s a bad thing to do and I’m very sorry.”

The Siobhan O’Dowd tribute site currently has approximately 4 members.

“Now listen,” said Cameron’s butler to reporters yesterday. “Ben and Jerry have worked hard on both Tastiness and Total Satisfaction for many years, and it is purely for the benefit of the British electorate that we have created these two new ministerial positions. They will join us in the cabinet to discuss how we can boost the economy through greater consumption of Ben and Jerry ice cream.”

“I mean, ice cream in general,” he added, licking his lips hastily. “Our research has proved that ice cream is actually fine if part of a healthy diet, so long as we don’t specify what the healthy diet is or mention exercise in any form whatsoever. In fact, if we completely ignore the healthy diet and promote the ice cream, everybody’s happy. This way, we can scrap the previous government’s lavish Change 4 Life programmes AND make money.”

The appointments come after Cameron created the Department for Social Welfare and Primark, and appointed the Marlboro Man to head up an investigation into the health benefits of smoking twenty a day.

Last week, the government was at the centre of controversy when Nick Clegg continually supped from a Pepsi can during a Commons debate, motioning towards the cameras and dropping Pepsi slogans into his answers. When asked by the MP for Flydale North whether Mr Clegg would be cutting winter fuel payments for the elderly, Mr Clegg replied: “I think they ‘gotta have it’”, before taking a sip from his can of Pepsi. “We don’t want to cut winter fuel payments. It’s the taste. Ahhhhhhhhh.”

Furious MPs called for the speaker to take action against the leader. John Bercow, however, reminded MPs that there was nothing in the rules that prevented MPs from taking a “sweet, refreshing little sip of Pepsi heaven”

In trial reviews, Cameron met with members of his own constituency in Witney, and left some feeling shocked. Grandmother Doris Betsy said “he came round and I offered him a cup of tea. He immediately said that I should just use the one tea bag for both cups to save money. Well, that was very clever, but then he went round the house turning off lights and plug points, and told me off for wasting electricity.”

“He stayed for about an hour,” she continued, “and at the end of it, I was shell-shocked. He handed over this sheet of paper with recommendations on it such as ’sell those old books on Amazon’ and ‘use the shower, not the bath’, saying I could make about £23.50 of savings across the year, and he told me to get a draught excluder to save on those heating bills. Some of it was bloody obvious, frankly. Then he said he’s going to come back in a year’s time and if I haven’t done what he suggested, he’ll fine me!”

Cameron’s partner, Nick Clegg, said last night that the reviews were “going to be painful”, adding “some people might not like being told they have to save money, but if we all pull together, then we can get through this. Only yesterday, David visited a man who was using twice as much toothpaste as he could be using. That represents a saving of 70p per month, and he could save even more if he switched to supermarket-own brands instead of Colgate.”

“These are the little things that are going to make the difference, you know,” he continued. “Myself, I’ve learned how to darn socks.”

The coalition government is also holding workshops, full of handy hints on how to save money around the household. David Willets will be holding a “Knit for Britain” workshop in Hull next week, while Teresa May will be coaching the people of Peterborough on how to grow carrots. William Hague, in the meanwhile, is set to tour Britain in a vegetable-oil powered Battle Bus that turns into a walk-in “cost savings” surgery, where any spendthrift consumers can pop in for a dressing down.

“This is all absolutely necessary,” insisted Cameron, “and when I meet with the people of Great Britain, I will be checking that absolutely not one single person has left their television on stand-by overnight, and that everyone has draught excluders.”

He told an undercover reporter: “That first cabinet meeting was a sham for the cameras. The real one took place later, and Osborne kept rapping my knuckles with his ruler. When I complained to Nick and Dave, they just looked away as if nothing had happened. All of a sudden, I felt really lost and alienated, and quite frankly, I didn’t want to be Osborne’s fag. But it’s a coalition, and it’s new politics, so I’m told I have to shut up and put up with it.”

Others have complained about tough woman Theresa May. One Liberal Democrat minister said that May “regularly rounds up Lib Dems from the corridors of Whitehall, locks them in a room and makes them sing ‘we love Theresa May’.” The new Home Secretary has been seen on several occasions with her ear cupped to the door, listening to the strains of ‘we love Theresa May’, as well as screams of ‘it’s dark in here, can someone let us out’ and ‘I think I’ve peed myself’.

One Lib Dem spoke of their collective fear of the drunken Liam Fox, who allegedly stalks the corridors of Whitehall at night with a bottle of gin in one hand, and his “Lib Dem whipping stick” in the other, looking for liberals to hit. “He’s the one who everyone’s really scared of,” admitted a junior minister. “Even the Tories run scared of Fox. I just wish I were in the Labour party right now, they all seem like the happiest losers in the world, and we’re being pushed and bullied around. I want to cry.”

There is hope, however, for Lib Dems. Insiders say that whenever Vince Cable is present, the bullying stops, and Conservative ministers behave impeccably. Mr Cable, when confronted with these reports, said “I don’t believe a word of it. Ever since the coalition started, the Conservatives have been lovely. They speak into my good ear, they help me across the road – frankly, I don’t see what the problem is.”

“I think it’s safe to say that all three of us have won tonight,” said Gordon Brown, smiling like a lunatic. “There are no losers here today. We’re all winners, and we all did really well. In fact, after the show, I made sure that Nick, David and myself all received equal prizes of equal size and value, so that nobody feels under-appreciated or under-valued.”

“I also made sure that I shook hands with both of them for an equal amount of time so that not only is it fair, but everyone feels like a winner.”

Most experts agree that Gordon Brown actually lost the debate, having forgotten his microphone was on at one point and mumbling “you’re all c-nts” to the audience.

Most experts thought that his opening line: “This is a hard job, and yes, I know I’m a twat,” was inappropriate. A visibly grumpy Brown continued to murmur to himself, insulting members of the audience for their bad hair or ugly faces. David Cameron, however, was seen making faces at Nick Clegg, while the Liberal Democrat leader was automatically deducted 20 points by the Murdoch Institute for Truth.

David Dimbleby offered a goodie bag to each leader, and ensured that each goodie bag had an equal number of sweets in them.

“They’re all winners,” he beamed. “Except, perhaps for Gordon. He was shit again. I just wanted to ensure that Gordon didn’t feel too bad about looking stupid. It’s just a shame that we can’t do the same for him next week.”

The last-minute decision to switch to a horse race was taken by current prime minister Gordon Brown after Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg proved more popular than sliced bread in a phone vote.

However, Brown is trying to divert attention away from rivals and towards the economy. Labour minister and manifesto architect Millie Headband said: “The economy is safe in our hands. We will be forcing bookmakers to pay all of their profits from the election race to the government. This money will be ring-fenced it to buy Greece and provide free holidays there for hard-working British families.”

Rules for the three-horse race are still being finalised but only the three main parties will be allowed to enter. The winner will be determined on a first-past-the-post basis. This has disappointed Liberal Democrats, who wanted an element of proportionality in the outcome. UKIP are reported to be furious at the decision to make it a three-horse race, claiming that Nigel Farage could have easily taken part, as he is half-horse himself on his mother’s side.

Lib Dem spokesman Lemsip Cableknit said: “We wanted the number of bets placed on each horse to be taken into account. As it stands, one horse can win despite gaining only a small proportion of the betting. That is patently unfair.”

SNP leader Alice Salmontickler is furious at being left out of the race: “Limiting the race to only three horses is an outrageous injustice typical of this London-centric policital system. We have perfectly good horses in Scotland. They keep leaving me out of everything and it just makes me want to cry.”

The Green Party has expressed disappointment at being left out of the running but has welcomed the radical move. Its leader, Carrie Online-Ludicrous, said: “We applaud putting sustainable transportation like horse riding centre stage. This race will have a lower carbon footprint than millions of voters travelling to polling booths, too.”

Conservatives have criticised the move to a three-horse race for not going far enough. “This is typical of the half-baked, opportunistic proposals we have come to expect from this government,” said Alexander St John  Spigginbottom, an aide to David Cameron. “Under a Conservative government, I can guarantee that future elections will be decided not by three horses, but lots of horses and lots of hounds pursuing whoever is the Lib Dem leader at the time.”

The horrific murder-spree by the Liberal Democrat Leader comes after revelations that he eats babies, runs grannies over in his car, and is in league with the Dark Lord Satan. Paul Dacre, head of PDIT, said “voters must know that Clegg is going to kill us all if they vote for him. If this man becomes Prime Minister, we would be Cambodia, and he would be Pol Pot. That’s how serious this is. Please, please, vote for David Cameron, because it’s the only way we’re going to live.”

“If you don’t vote Conservative, you’ll end up face down in the gutter with your blood running down the road,” he pleaded. “I see rivers of blood. I see Clegg, standing over us all with a machete, speaking in foreign tongues, because that’s what he does. I see Vince Cable, his evil henchman, taking your hard-earned money out of your wallets as you lie dying on the ground. That’s what will happen if you don’t vote Conservative.”

“This is a man who, on a visit to Papua New Guinea, expunged the entire population with his bare hands. He killed every single woman and child. All of them. Do you really want this man in charge of your country? We don’t!”

Daily Mail and Express readers, who, due to a quirk in the British voting system, are allowed to vote, have expressed shock at the news. Regular Express reader Bob Plumber said: “Well I never. Only last week I’d never heard of him – I didn’t even realise that there was a Liberal Democrat party! And then all of a sudden, here he is – my wife took a shine to him straight away. But it turns out that he’s a genocidal, baby-eating, granny-killing maniac – and what’s worse, he speaks foreign languages.”

“I’d never vote for anyone who can speak a foreign language. They’re more dangerous than Hitler,” he added, becoming more and more enraged. “I was going to vote for him until I found out that he has plans to cull about half of the population. I can’t thank my newspaper enough for telling me this vital information.”

PDIT’s pamphlet on “How You Can Stop the LibDem Menace” includes a raft of suggestions on how to protect your family should a Liberal Democrat government invade the country, including sealing £500 underneath a table, stocking up on cans and sealing windows with duct tape.

The research paper, entitled “Why Nick Clegg will kill Great Britain and Eat Your Children” has been endorsed by a number of leading thinkers, including Noel Edmonds and Gary Barlow.

Conservative leader David Cameron said that the research was “absolutely convincing”, and said that it was “further proof that Nick Clegg should just piss off back to nothingness where he was before last week. This man is a rich, baby-eating satanist who enjoys stuffing your hard-earned ten pounds notes up his own bum before he gets in a car that you, the hard-working tax-payer, have payed for, and runs your grandmother over. For fun. That’s what he does.”

“If you’re seriously thinking about voting Liberal Democrat,” mused the opportunistic leader, “then you have to remember this: Nick Clegg wants to turn this great country – your great country – into a European state in the grip of the Lord Beelzebub, and he will eat your babies.”

Gordon Brown, however, took a different tack, hoping to gain votes from siding with the Liberal Democratc, saying “I agree with Nick.” He continued: “Baby-eating is fine. I had five for breakfast today, and I’d even invited some of the great mums from Mumsnet along to watch.”

“In fact, I pledge now to the nation that I will make contact with Satan himself to set up a Financial Arse Institution. This Institution will introduce people to the pleasures of stuffing money up their posteriors. I will also encourage granny-killing not only as a pleasurable pastime, but as a part of the national curriculum.”

Head of the Murdoch Institute for Truth, Kevin McQhuntte, said that voters “wanted to know the truth” about Nick Clegg, adding that “people were hoodwinked last week – but the devil knows how to hoodwink people, and he taught his disciple well. Yes, Nick Clegg is an emissary of the Dark Lord, and yes, he will eat your children. Our research shows that he prefers slightly fatter children who have been raised on Tesco ready meals, as they come pre-salted. However, Vince Cable prefers to eat skinny children and he loves to spit out the bones, while belching ‘nice meal Nick’ at loud volume.”

“You can vote for these people if you want to, but everyone knows that only David Cameron leads a wholesome life.”