“It’s ridiculous,” claimed Mumsnet founder carrotbake76. “I mean, I want the best for little Quentin, but I don’t need an embedded satellite navigation system informing him, in the voice of Chris Fucking Tarrant, where the nearest Early Learning Centre is, and I certainly don’t need the bleeping parking radar.”

“It’s a bloody pushchair, for christ’s sake. He sits in it, he gurgles a bit, I take him somewhere, I take him out of it – and can I fold it? Can I heckers like – it’s bigger than my 4×4!”

The “Baby Bugaboo GTi” is available for just £2,495, and McLaren engineers are proud of their latest pushchair. Head of Design, Juniper Branflake-Jones said that the “Baby Bugaboo GTi is the next step in pushchair design. Mothers don’t want the under-complications of a simple, folding, easy-to-store pushchair. What they want is the absolute, cast-iron guarantee that their child is going to be completely and utterly wrapped in cotton wool. That’s why we’ve created it to have a fully shock-resistant frame, and what’s more, it’s eco-friendly!”

“No self-respecting mother would be without one – you’d be practically KILLING your baby if you bought anything for under £2,300, frankly. And your child will love you forever if you spend more than £3,000. We did a survey, and found that mothers who spent less than £2,000 on their first pushchair were risking being hated by their children for life – and I do mean life.”

Babies have expressed their complete and utter ignorance for the pushchair, although some have expressed curiosity at the combination of ice-cream cone holder, milk bottle holder and rattle holder, while most have simply had fun playing with the air conditioning and the radio dials.

“Fun!” said 7-year-old Giles, from Bromley. “I know, I should have started walking years ago, but why walk when you can sit in the Baby Bugaboo GTi? THIS is the way forward. Now – take me to McDonalds, Baby Bugaboo!”

“Several women had to leave their organic carrot bake behind”, said Mumsnet founder Trixiemumof2point4. “That’s how serious it is. We had set the alert level to ‘burnt crimson’ early last week when it was feared that oily Tory MP David Willetts was surfing the site, but that turned out to be a false alarm and we set it back to ‘turquoise’. However, we can’t take risks, and when we heard that David Cameron and a horde of other senior Conservatives were not just clicking on links, but actively participating in forums, we had to evacuate the site.”

“The safety of our mothers is paramount,” she continued. “Imagine the damage these Tories could cause!”

Mothers huddled together offline, unsure of exactly who was on the site or the extent of the damage that they might cause. One, friskymum77, wrote that “none of us are safe. I just want to bring up little Tarquin in a safe, organic Tory-free environment. I don’t want to click on a link and find myself in a pool of Tory oil slick, gasping for air. It was OK when there was just one MP online, we could join forces and bully the crap out of him, but when the whole shadow cabinet is on there, safety comes first.”

Mum of 3, Yummyma81, was one of the mothers involved in a close call with Shadow Chancellor George Osborne. “It was horrible,” she sobbed. “There I was, happily chatting away about the benefits of Boden silk nappy liners for little Olivia, and up pops this horrifying figure, all shadowy and oily – before I knew it, he was asking me questions, interrogating me about which way I intended to vote and for all I know, he was going to frisk me and ask me to get involved in some kind of wierd Tory sex game. That’s what they do isn’t it? Anyway, I went dizzy and passed out – the next thing I knew, I was being comforted by some of the great mothers on there, who gave me some organic apple and cinnamon smoothie to bring me round.”

Junior Tories have been issued with pamphlets on how to “woo” middle-class mothers, which include turning up on mumsnet and asking which items from the Boden catalogue are “in” at this time of year, and referring to their wives as DW. One young Conservative said that going on Mumsnet was the “damn scariest thing” he’s ever had to do, and that includes “the ritual sacrifice of a goat at the altar of Margaret Thatcher” at the Young Conservatives Conference each year.

Wiping the oil from his forehead, he continued: “we’re sorry if we scared the mumsnet mothers, but Dave told us that if we didn’t each bag at least five of them before the election, he’d personally give us an Eton-style flogging.”

The site gained notoriety when it welcomed David Cameron and held him hostage for 36 hours, force-feeding him rusks and formula. The Conservative leader was freed only when a squat team of Tory whips agreed to babysit while the mums went out to watch a Meryl Streep movie.

“It was gruesome”, said Charles Winstanley-Redbush, Conservative MP for Slackbutt Grove. “When we got there, we found him on an intraveinous drip filled with breast milk and they were all screaming like banshees. We knew that Mumsnet were taking this whole biscuit issue seriously, but we didn’t know just how far they would go.”

A shaken Gordon Brown revealed that when he met the mothers from Mumsnet, they held him in an armlock and smothered his face with organic manuka honey, screaming “tell us your favourite biscuit or you die.”

“I told them Bourbon biscuits”, said Brown, “but they didn’t believe me. It was as if I could give any answer and I’d be strung up by the balls. After what happened to David, I didn’t think I’d get out of there alive. The more biscuits I suggested, the less credible I guess my answer appeared.”

The declaration of independence from the Internet is a surprise move that has taken the rest of the Internet by surprise. Mumsnet leader FizzieLiz1969 released a statement early this morning declaring that “in order to create as much pressure as possible, we have detached ourselves from the Internet and will operate independently with our own language, html code and currency. We’ll even have our own flag. Made from organic fairtrade cotton, of course.”

Indeed, the issue of having their own language has long been a talking point on the forum, where members discuss in shorthand that is unintelligible to the rest of the world. For example, “OCB” is “Organic Carrot Bake”, and “child-hating bitch” translates to “woman who has a career”.

Geek forums, however, have declared themselves happy at the declaration of independence, saying “those mumsnet people scared the crap out of us”.

Mumsnet was originally created as a site for mothers to share information and advice. Today, its members meet in Boden balaclavas and babies are hardly ever on the agenda.

One mother who escaped the Mumsnet “net” told the Daily Shame in secret that “they’re the Boden guerillas. I once suggested that we buy non-organic fruit for the meetings and they decided to shun me for a week. It was as if I didn’t exist. And one mother was hounded out after they discovered that her husband earned less than £50,000. Brutal, just brutal.”