Shytte centre-forward Darren ‘Tubby’ Tumor spent the entire 90 minutes sat in the centre-circle, refusing to play with midfielder Kevin Queerfolk, who he accused of stealing his pint the previous night at the local pub. He explained to reporters afterwards: “Kevin already had a pint, which, I might add – someone had already bought him. He just waited until I went to the toilet to nick mine. That’s low. Very low. I don’t see how we can play in the same team any more.”

Left-back Barry Basildon yesterday withdrew himself from any possible selection by England manager Fabio Capello, stating that “there’s no way that I’d play alongside Alan Gangrene any more – if he’s selected for England, that is. That bastard still owes me a fiver from last week. Will I ever get it back? I doubt that very much. So Mr Capello – please accept my retirement from potentially playing international football.”

Gangrene, Shytte’s right-wing dynamo, was blanked by the whole side as the rift between the two players threatened to blow the team apart. Absolutely nobody shook his hand before the game, and Gangrene afterwards was unrepentant: “I told him he’d get his fiver once we’d got our match fee, but no, he had to have it before the game. I reckon I’ll ask for a transfer to another pub team.”

The only highlight of the game came after thirty minutes when one of the players accidentally forgot about his feud with everyone else and ran half the length of the pitch before pulling up and apologising – an apology that was roundly ignored. Both Shytte fans applauded heartily, however, saying that the mazy dribble around the static Acne defence was “worth the entrance money alone”.

Referee Johnny “Red Card” Walton claimed afterwards that it was the toughest match he has ever refereed, saying “I’ve always got one or two red cards to hand out – but this match was awful – nothing happened? I spent half my time trying to convince them to start moving or at least kick the ball, but they wouldn’t. In fact, the Acne centre-half wouldn’t talk to me at all because I’m sleeping with his mother.”

“I couldn’t believe it”, beamed unemployed father of eight Danny O’Rapecake. “Basically, we were playing for matchsticks to start with – just for fun – and then it all started getting serious. Someone put in a couple of quid and this fella who we’d only just met that night said that he’d go all in but couldn’t match the minimum stake. Well, we told him that someone could sub him but he said ‘forget that’ – threw his car keys on the table and a note claiming that he was the owner of Portsmouth FC. Well, I wasn’t ready for that.”

The game of cards then descended into farce, with others at the table tutting and shaking their heads. One player even burst into tears at the sheer thought of all the money he could stand to lose and ran out of the pub sobbing. Several folded and went to the bar, but O’Rapecake was holding three aces and claims that he had “never felt better about a hand” in his life.

“So I went all in too, and this fella – he had a pair of 5’s. I couldn’t believe it. So now I own Portsmouth FC and to be honest with you, I don’t really know what to do with it.”

According to local publican Ivan Yokelbelly-Hughes, the “slightly shifty looking guy” didn’t seem to want to win. “He came in here asking if there was a cards game on, and he was throwing cards away all night. The minute I knew he was the owner of Portsmouth FC, I thought ‘here we go’ – this is the third time this week someone’s come in trying to flog the club. I’m sick to the back teeth of it, frankly. We had that fat fella from Newcastle United the other month, I had to bar him.”

The players are thought to be “relaxed” about their latest owner, saying that they no longer believed anyone would own the club for more than a couple of games before throwing it away, anyhow. Keeper David James said “the guy’s on benefits, there’s no way he’s going to be able to pay us, but I tell you what – it’s still more likely than when that sheikh fella was in charge.”

O’Rapecake takes charge ahead of next weekend’s game against bitter rivals Southampton, but says that he has been preparing by playing as Portsmouth on Fifa 2005 on his PC. “I’m getting well into it,” he admitted. “I realise there’s a lot to do from a financial viewpoint, but I’m in it for the long haul. I’m used to having debts so I imagine I’ll take to it like a duck to water.”