“These are great days if your Dad’s well-connected,” said Hugh Gorbals from JFT. “There are loads of students out there who think that a 2:1 is going to be enough – but it’s not. They think that they have to work hard, and they think they’re really going to have to slog. It’s all wrong. So our advice is – work on the accent and drop your Dad’s name in at every available opportunity.”

“In fact, never mind the CV – because recruiters are getting so many CVs these days, they can’t even be arsed to look at them properly. You might as well send them over a faxed copy of your arse with your name and telephone number on it, with a message saying ‘My Father’s loaded’ and Bob’s your uncle, you’ve got an interview. The whole recruitment game is changing, and it’s all about your old man these days.”

JFT today published its “Top Tips” for how to get a job in a competitive environment, which include:

• don’t worry about your appearance, just worry about sounding posh enough
• wear tweed if you can
• repeatedly refer everything back to your father’s giant estate and your huge inheritance
• relax – put your feet on the desk. After all, you probably own the place anyway, and if that is the case, remind the interview of the fact
• if asked about ‘targets’, guffaw loudly and ask if they mean financial ones – or ducks!
• if the interviewer has a scouse accent, try mimicking him. He’ll enjoy the banter.

Gorbals continued: “Remember, even if you have a 2:2, if you sound like Prince Harry, you’re quids in.”

Patricia Al-Fayarya, HR Director at Al-Qaeda, says that the cuts are necessary in order to maintain operational efficiencies, stating that “it is unfortunate that we have to let people go in this economic climate, but what these now redundant terrorists have to realise is that they were never even paid in the first place. They can still achieve their dreams – and the promise of virgins in the afterlife is not just an Al-Qaeda promise, but one that is made to all young terrorists, so we fully support them in their future ambitions. However, those ambitions will not be achieved with AQ.”

She continued: “We need to appreciate the fact that we are an extensive organisation and we need to keep an eye on costs. It’s not cheap flying all these kids out from Bradford to Afghanistan or Pakistan – and some of them want to fly first class as well. That’s not happening.”

The terrorist network will now focus its attention on the more profitable Middle East arena, with new offices opening up in Yemen and Somalia. However, due to the mass of local talent in the area, there will be no relocation opportunities for those made redundant in this latest round of job cuts.

The news at Al-Qaeda’s bomb factory in Wakefield was met with dismay. Wasim al-Killya said that he would go back to working at his Dad’s shoe factory until something came along: “It’s either that or the bakery, and I’ve got a slight allergy to wheat, so the shoe factory it is. It’s the third time I’ve been made redundant, too. I’ve applied to ETA, the real IRA, and even thought of starting my own SME terrorist business, so you know – things might happen soon.”

At least 200 terrorists joined the queues at the Job Centre in Bradford yesterday, on what was labelled “a somewhat chilling, but busy” day by Job Centre staff. “We simply couldn’t cope,” said Valerie Sansespoir, who works at the Job Centre. “They were coming in asking for any potential bombing opportunities, and the closest we could get was a part-time job as a demolitions executive down the road in Leeds, but they didn’t want to travel. These poor terrorists, I mean, they spend their lives training for one thing and then Al-Qaeda shut down half of their centres – no pun intended, but this unemployment thing is a ticking timebomb.”

“Some of them, however, have to downgrade their expectations. Al-Qaeda’s benefits package of unlimited virgins in the afterlife is great, but Gregg’s are offering retail vouchers and a free sausage roll for lunch every day, so it’s swings and roundabouts, really.”

“I don’t see much slacking future here,” moaned 21-year-old Emo Jones. “Now that there’s jobs and everything, I reckon I’m going to go to Spain – they’re really good at lazing around and they have siestas and everything. That sounds like the kind of life I want to lead. If I stay here in the UK, I’ll probably wind up getting a job or something, and you know what that’s like. The French are good at slacking too, maybe I’ll go there. I’ll have to find out if my PS3 is compatible though. You reckon it is?”

Many are planning to move to Greece after overhearing on the news that the economy had completely “bummed out” and that jobs were likely to be at a premium. Luton University graduate Charlotte Mousetrap said that she planned to go to Athens seeking “greater slacking development opportunities”, adding that “a few years ago, you could really develop your slacking skills in the UK. I thought, what with the recession and all that, I might be able to apply myself, you know – dedicate myself to a life of just pissing around. Greece looks like the place to do that now – and it’s EU so I don’t need a visa. Ace.”

A whopping 70% of respondents thought that life in the UK would be “too hard”, with working hours often going beyond 15 hours a week, and 83% said that they were afraid their “styles would be cramped” by working in a business. 51% claimed that a Tory government would be “way strict”, and that their claim to reduce unemployment was “woaaah scary”.

Shytte University graduate Liam Spandex claimed that “under a Tory government, my game time on the Wii would be severely reduced. Basically, I’m looking around for opportunities to do as little as possible, and having a job would really harm that. Has David Cameron thought that far ahead? He’s not getting my vote, I’ll tell you that for nothing.”