“When I created the Brussel Sprout,” said God, “I had no idea that it would be associated with Belgium or the European Union, or anything else boring, in fact. I’ve always seen it as one of the tastiest, most fun and vibrant of all the sprouts – if not all the vegetables. Damnit, I eat them every day, why can’t everyone else?”

The campaign will start next week with a spectacular launch party in Jerusalem, which God still considers “his”. He explains: “Oh, it’s my old haunt, I used to love it there. So I thought it would be a great place to re-launch the Fun Sprout. I’m planning a quite spectacular miracle, and I’ve had to enlist the help of veteran magician Paul Daniels for this one. Basically, you’ll love this, it’ll start raining Fun Sprouts. Brilliant eh? It’ll last five minutes – which is costing me about half of this year’s crop, but it’s going to be worth it.”

Further miracles include a golden Fun Sprout, which will appear in week two of the campaign somewhere near Damascus, and God is hoping that a number of “Fun Sprout Disciples” will spread the message and increase Fun Sprout uptake throughout the world.

God’s son, however, still refuses to eat his sprouts, saying “Dad’s banging on about them all day, but only because he grows so many of them. They give him wind, too – it’s disgusting sitting at the dinner table with him. When I went down there a couple of thousand years ago, he wanted me to sell his Sprouts at the local market but nobody would have them. But hey, it’s his hobby and his passion, so who am I to tell Him what to do.”

God’s track record in marketing, however, has not been good, especially since his attempt to rebrand beetroot as an alternative to chocolate in the 1300s. “People believed almost everything I said back then,” he mused, “but I cocked that one up.”

Dutch virus expert Herr Phillip Menke told the Daily Shame that the virus could cause “split seconds of annoyance” to users, adding that “most users probably won’t notice it, but those who do will be somewhat miffed.”

The virus has baffled many experts, who have noticed that after leaving two or three short messages, it apologises to the user and uninstalls itself, leaving absolutely no trace on the user’s computer. In fact, in some cases, a mutated version of the worm has actually left several messages of apology, de-fragmented the user’s hard drive, corrected problems in the registry, and offered to make a cup of tea.

Menke continued: “We’ve had dealings with Anglican extremists before, and we take them very seriously. Only last month, we had to severely reprimand a vicar for spamming people with messages saying “come to church or I shall cry” and “accept Jesus was right or I’ll beat my pulpit moderately”. It’s amazing. Since they’ve learned to use computers, they’ve become strangely active.”

Only last week, extremist vicar Terrence Godbotherer-Jones posted a chilling message on video website Youtube threatening a “war of mild panic” against those who refuse to follow the Anglican faith. Dressed in a balaclava and his usual vicar’s attire, Godbotherer-Jones told viewers: “Our cause is a just one, and we shall deny tea and cake to those who refuse to come to our poetry evening next Wednesday. We may even ignore them when we see them in the street. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.”

Several Anglican extremists thought to be linked to Godbotherer-Jones were seen fleeing a tea room last week after leaving threatening pamphlets advising people to “at least try Church once”. Terrified tea drinkers were offered counselling and free cakes. One witness said that “they scare me, these Anglican extremists. One minute they’re sat there having a cup of tea, and the next they’re looking menacingly at you as if you’ve never been to church in your life. This woman with blue hair – she got up out of her chair as if she had a bomb strapped to her waist, grabbed her walking frame as if she was about to use it as a weapon and I thought – that’s it – I’m a goner. She slammed the pamphlet down on a table and legged it.”

Terrorist experts say that they are making progress in inflitrating Godbotherer-Jones’ terrorist training camp in Little Shytte. Head of the Anglican Terrorism Unit Brian Wardrobe-Freshener said that “already we’ve sent in undercover agents and have found some quite shocking evidence of future terror campaigns. We managed to prevent a heinous plan to replace the tea room’s sugar with salt, but this move to cyber terrorism is a real shock to us. We had no idea they knew how to even switch the computers on!”

The belated response comes as a relief to many Jesus fans who had all but given up on a response from the son of God, who is also known as God himself in some quarters. In a blog post shortly after his tweet, Jesus developed on his thoughts, saying “Bigger than me? I created a religion of my own, and all these hippy scouse popsters did was write some catchy tunes and, time will tell, bring down communism through the power of music. Ergo, I am deffo much bigger than they ever were, are, or ever will be. Look at Latin America – they bloody worship me now over there. It took a while, lol.”

Anglican Pastor Nigel Nigellson defended the Messiah’s lateness of reply: “Well, I think he’s God as well as Jesus, and God’s omnipresence is very much overrated – you can be everywhere, but you can’t do everything at once! He probably had a huge backlog of e-mails or something, and he’s a very busy man. Some might criticise him for not doing enough, but the fact that he’s actually responding to the Beatles is proof that he’s definitely in touch with the people.”

Sources in heaven say that John Lennon is “fuming” that Jesus hadn’t been in touch personally, but Ringo Starr led the rebuttal to the rebuttal by saying that “we lasted longer than Jesus, and we branched out more than he ever did. Look at me – Thomas the Tank Engine – I mean, Jesus has almost zero brand recognition with kids. And look at Sir Paul McCartney – he’s still living off Beatles songs even today! So we’re well bigger than him.”

Marketing brand experts are believed to be in constant contact with Jesus whose brand recognition in the UK is currently lower than some of the guests in Celebrity Big Brother. “Jesus recognises that this could be a long-term issue”, says marketer Hugo Rawdeal. “The UK is basically a no-go zone for him at the moment, and that’s something we’re working on. In fact, more people seem to recognise the Prophet Mohammed, who has a huge marketing budget that we just can’t compete with. But we’re hopeful of a revival.”

Jesus, who recently updated his Facebook status to “bigger than the Beatles”, says that he is “hoping for a comeback” one day, and that he has given up on achieving any kind of popularity with the Jews. In a recent blog post, he said “Not sure what I have 2 do 2 convince that lot, but hey, peace to all men and all that ROFL.”

The worries come after a spate of sponsorship announcements were made, including a plan to replace the pearly gates with a golden “M”, renaming them “McDonalds Pearly Gates”. Gate operator Peter said that he welcomed most forms of income, but this one really took this biscuit:

“I’ve been working here for millenia and it’s always been Saint Peter’s Pearly Gates. That’s what it’s known as, and you can’t change that. Now I’m expected to welcome people after they die and offer them a 10% off voucher at the local McDonalds on Cloud 33.”

Another aspect up for sponsorship is “the light”, which people are thought to see when they are on their way to Heaven. This will now be known as “The Coca-Cola Light”, and will be accompanied by piped music promoting the brand.

“It’s madness”, said Archangel Gabriel. “We’re now meant to wear Foot Locker t-shirts and smile at people, asking them if they’re having a nice day. Of course they’re having a nice day, they’re in heaven, that’s what it’s all about. Everyone has nice days, every day. Why should I have to even ask the question? Lunacy, I tell you.”

“And what’s all this cack about advertising billboards on each cloud? My own cloud is being reshaped into a Liberty Bell sign as we speak. And you can imagine how confusing that must be for any non-American angels.”

A spokesman for God, or as he is now known, “God, sponsored by Motorola”, told the Daily Shame that the loosening of immigration laws had created overcrowding in heaven, and new ways had to be found to pay for the increase in population:

“God sponsored by Motorola may be omnipresent and all that, but he himself created the saying ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’. It doesn’t. Leaves do. How else are we meant to pay for the new cloud developments that are meant to house all these new angels? Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ has even had to go back to work to earn some more money. He’s doing a stint on Top Gear.”