“It was sickening,” said 12th wife Mary. “I only had a really small slither of the pie chart, and from the hand-outs, it appears that I’m only getting ten minutes of what he calls ‘Zuma Time’ this month. I had no idea that when I married this man, I was only going to get half the amount of time given to his 20th wife. I’d go to him and complain, but I’m on the clock.”

A quarter of Jacob’s pie chart was left blank for “future wives and general female associations”, which left several wives stunned. 27th wife Tabatha said “Some time, he has to draw the line. I mean, I knew what I was marrying, and I love meeting up with the girls every year for a chat and a few drinks. But we’re getting diminishing ‘Zuma Time’ over the next year – how am I supposed to bring up his fifteen children without a father in the house?”

Organisers of the Congress said that Zuma’s presentation was “a delight”, and noted the skilled use of PowerPoint and Excel that “really set Zuma apart” from the other presenters. Zuma started with a light-hearted ice breaker, introducing himself and ’something nobody in the room would know about him’, before going round the room so that everyone could participate. He then launched into a set of slides that showed how ‘Zuma Time’ is broken down, with several fade-in PowerPoint builds that left the audience breathless.

“The pie chart was a real coup,” said Zuma’s close friend, Desmond. “What better way of telling your wives how they fit into your life? And it was easy to go back into the chart to change the numbers once Jacob realised he’d forgotten two of the wives.”

“She was not impressed,” said an insider at Buckingham Palace. “Mr Zuma was coming on strongly, making all kinds of suggestions – in fact, he was quite a charmer at first, but then he just got lewd and suggestive – and there’s no way Betty would have anything to do with him. However, he did manage to marry five of the staff downstairs in a whirlwind session of lovemaking and contractuals, so fair play to him.”

Sources close to the Queen say that Zuma made his first approach at the dinner table, asking the Queen if she fancied “a bit of how’s your father”, which was rebuffed with a “never you mind you dirty little man.” The libidinous President would not take no for an answer, however, and continued to press, asking the Queen how she liked it, and whether she’d prefer just to be a “second grade wife”, Zuma’s pet name for his “reserve team” of wives, whom he visits only on rare occasions. Over dessert, Zuma made his pitch for the Queen to become one of his wives, handing her a brochure, a prospectus, and an enquiry form that she would have to fill out. He waved the pen in front of her, saying “I’ll even let you keep the pen – you’re special.” The Queen refused to sign.

On the croquet lawn, Zuma persisted, making suggestive swings of the croquet mallet at the Queen, who looked away in disgust. Prince Phillip then slapped him on the back, asked him if he wanted a drink, and told him to “keep plugging away,” adding: “that’s how I got her, old boy.” Indeed, the two appeared to strike quite a friendship.

The Queen then locked herself away in her bedroom while Zuma humped the door knob, apparently blocking out the noise with her iPod. Zuma gave up at approximately 3am, and left, only to send dirty text messages throughout the early hours of the morning.

A spokesman for Jacob Zuma told reporters that “Jacob is a man, like any other, only more so. He needs his oats, so to speak – if we have caused offence, we apologise. However, Jacob has amassed a stunning 32 brides so far in his visit to the UK, and we hope that he has spread his seed sufficiently for us to move on to the next country.”

“I’m so disappointed”, said Lulu Mputu. “Everyone else in the village has a child from Jacob – what about me? How are my children going to live this one down in Biology classes when it comes round to being taught how Jacob reproduces? I’ve been telling all my friends that at least one of my twenty children was Jacob’s, I just couldn’t tell which. But I’ll fight on.”

At least 90% of families in South Africa are thought to have a child by Zuma, who prowls the streets at night looking for women to impregnate. Julie Nzonzo from Johannesburg says “he’s not aggressive or anything, he just walks around until somebody brings him in. Invariably, someone does in the end. We all know how much he loves the children of South Africa – many of them are his, so he has to. I guess he has to work really hard because keeping up all those child maintenance payments is going to be tough.”

Senior ANC officials are said to be “let down” by Zuma, who pledged that he would achieve a 100% coverage of the country by sleeping with every single woman of child-bearing age. Charles Ypibo told reporters that “he promised us that everyone would be a Zuma by 2012. I don’t think we’re going to achieve this now, and frankly, I can’t see how we’ll win the next election. Of course, when they all grow up, we’ll get loads of votes. But what about now?”

Zuma, however, already has a groundswell of support among the under-10s. The association “Children of Zuma” (COZ) regularly march throughout the streets of South African cities in support of their father, with demonstrations clamouring for the legal voting age to be dropped to 5. Young Jacob Jr XXXIII told the Daily Shame “I see my Daddy every day on TV and he’s great.”

Mputu claims that she will “strive” for a child from Jacob, saying “I know my time will come. I’ll wait by the window, listening for his mating call. I just know he’ll come one day.”