The Voice of Vorderman: Residents of Camberley are right – there should be no Mosque in their town! This is yet another example of Broken Britain – where asylum seekers and Muslims can just waltz in, knock down our beautiful Victorian buildings and build their own spaceship buildings which have absolutely no style whatsoever.

I was sickened when I learned that they wanted to knock down a beautiful Victorian school and replace it with a hideous “Mosque”. And what is a Mosque anyway? Is it a place of worship or is it a Trojan horse for warfare, hatred and even more asylum seekers in our back gardens, eating our sandwiches, stealing our benefits and laughing at us in an evil manner going “haw haw haw” as if they’ve got the system cracked and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Back in my day, a Victorian building like that was something to be treasured. In places like Camberley, you could wander down the road with the vicar, have a cup of tea with some youths and never even have to think to yourself “hey, did I leave the door unlocked? Of course I did, it’s fucking safe round here and there’s no foreigners to nick my wallet or rob me to death.”

There was once a day of green pastures and church bells, and the sound of willow hitting leather. Now it’s a day of green mosques, hollering for prayers and the sound of a rusty nail being banged into the coffin of Great Britain.

Now it’s full of foreigners and such like and I tell you what, I don’t like it one bit. I reckon this Mosque is just phase one in their plan to take over Camberley and Muslimise it completely, from top to bottom. Is that a word? Well it should be, because that’s what’s happening to our once great country.

Phase two is going to be the stockading of arms. They’re coming to get us, people, you should know it now. Just like Iran, this Mosque is going to go nuclear, and hey – they don’t care who they’re taking down with them. They’ll be doing their Friday prayers one minute and blitzing us to bits the next – just you watch them.

I bet they’re in with that Mamoud Ah’m a dinner-jad or whatever his name is. That fella from Iran who’s going to bomb everyone. Well, that’ll be where they’re getting their nuclear weapons from. Phase 3 is to replace all of Britain’s churches and Victorian schools with mosques, and phase 4 is no doubt to have us all enslaved.

That’s the future, folks. We might as well just move to America, except that it’s full of Mexicans sponging off them.

The “Voice of Vorderman” in no way represents the views of the editorial team here at The Daily Shame, by the way, we’re just giving her a chance to have her say after that sterling performance on Question Time.

Ahmedinejad bought the uranium from www.cheapuranium.biz last week, despite pleas from advisers that he should use a more reliable source, like ebay. “At least on ebay you can see the seller’s ratings”, said Ahmad Farouz, a former adviser to the Iranian leader. “But cheapuranium.biz has only been around for a few months, operating out of Yemen. You can tell these guys are just flogging uranium to any world leader who’ll come along with a few shekels in his hand. Or on his credit card, as it was in this case.”

Last week, Ahmedinejad came in for criticism after totally denying a set of rocket launches. When asked by reporters whether the rocket launches were an act of aggression he replied “what? what rocket launches? There were no rocket launches here. No rockets, no, no, no. Nothing at all.”

A spokesman for the Iranian President said “the uranium Mahmoud received last week was way below expectations. The site had three levels of uranium enrichment- and we went for the very best they claimed they had: ‘mega-enriched’ I think they called it. Free delivery on any orders above 20 boxes, and they claim that it’s ‘top bomb quality’. But how can you bomb Israel with shit like this? It wouldn’t even scratch the side of a Mossad vehicle, never mind blow it up. I doubt we could fire this one out of our own bloody borders. Christ alive, man, I bet you could even eat this uranium for tea and not feel any side effects. We want our money back.”

“I mean, what would we have received if we’d gone for the budget uranium? Allah alone knows! We’re best off using ebay, aren’t we.”

Ahmedinejad’s ebay rating, however, has plummeted after late delivery of some cheap rockets to a fella in North Korea, and sellers are known to regularly avoid him due to his “rather complainy” nature. One seller based in Moscow said “we sold him some really good long-range missiles – best we’ve got – and he just moaned that they weren’t the right colour. I wrote back saying ‘look Mahmoud, there was a picture on the page and we don’t do refunds’ but he just kept leaving comments like ‘I’m coming to get you’ and ‘once I’ve finally got these duds to work I’m aiming them at you mwuhahaha lol’, none of which helps.”