“Our only option,” stated Greek finance minister Stavros Hopakopalopakins, “is to bury our heads in the sand and deny everything, especially to ourselves and our new German landlords. Therefore, as part of the NDDS, we are encouraging a bank statement amnesty. Each Greek village, town and city will have a NDDS shredding centre where all evidence of debts – credit card statements, letters from bailiffs, etc., can be shredded and immediately denied.”

“For the sake of future generations, we must close our eyes, put our collective hands over our collective ears, and deny everything, so that when the Germans do come knocking, not a single Greek remembers owing them a penny.”

The National Debt Denial Scheme Committee has issued a pamphlet advising Greeks on how to deny all knowledge of debts, including tips on how to convince a bailiff that you are someone else, and top phrases in German, such as “ich habe keine ahnung, ich bin ein holidaymaker” (I have no idea, I am a holidaymaker). Billboards have been posted all over Athens telling people not to mention the debt in front of Germans, and to pretend as if nothing has happened.

Greek economist Spiros Notalotahopealous said that he had “no idea” about Greece’s debts, saying “as far as I know, everything’s a bed of roses. Fine and dandy. Nothing to see here, so why don’t you move on? Look at Spain – they’re shafted – why don’t you go after them? We haven’t got a penny of debt, in fact, we’re buying a new laptop next week, and that’s not even with a credit card. It’s a band new one, too. Just go away, will you?”

The NDDS also proposes moving from the euro back to a system of bartering, saying “if we completely deny the usage of the European currency, they can’t get us for it.” Hopakopalopakins added: “we’ve never used the euro here in Greece. Never. Yeah, sure, foreigners come here and use it, but internally, we’ve always bartered with pigs, geese, grains of rice and feta cheese. So to think that any Greek person has spent, handled or borrowed a single euro, you’d have to be barking.”

“It’s a disgrace,” claims Hawkwind. “They came knocking on my door in the summer and I’d just won some money on the gee-gees. But times are hard, you know. So when this bald, tanned fella comes knocking, I told him – look – I might have come into a few pounds, but it’s all going on the bills and the kids’ birthdays. So he kept pouring the ouzo, and one thing led to another – before I knew it, he’d stayed for dinner and I’d lent him a fiver.”

“In real terms, that visit probably cost me a tenner, as we gave him lamb shanks and a bottle of plonk, but I can’t really claim that back.”

Several other Shytte residents claim to have been approached by Greece, with several claiming that they were “seduced” into giving the country significant amounts of money. Betty Crocamerde, a retired spinster, claims that she gave Greece £2.50, while several of her neighbours were persuaded to part with their copper coin collections.

“To be honest,” she said, “I didn’t expect to get it back, but at the very least a phone call would be nice. They’re very persuasive. He put his foot in the door, offered me some ouzo and pinched my bottom!”

Greece’s economy is saddled with debts, and it is believed that the country made the door-to-door borrowing session after Romania called in its £15 loan, made several years ago. Romanian Chancellor Nicolaeu Doshescu said that “the Greek government must repay its loans, damnit. Not only does it owe the Romanian people £15, but they owe Cyprus a tenner, and an old man in Macedonia £20. It all adds up, you know, and we want our money back.”

Hawkwind, however, is adamant that the Greek government must pay back his money first: “Yes, I know there was no written agreement, and I know that we didn’t agree a timescale – but this is a gentleman’s agreement above all. I want my fiver back!”

“The data is compelling,” said Greek economist Spiros Notalotahopealous. “We’ve got data for the last fifty years showing the number of bums pinched, the number of bums smacked, the number of police reports, and we’ve compared that with the economy. It clearly shows that the better we’re doing economically, the more bums get pinched on the beach! Right now, English girls’ bums are as safe as they have been for years, so I guess if you want the positives – it’s a great time to visit Greece!”

The data was compiled by a group of economic experts in Athens who went out onto the beaches themselves to study behaviour of randy Greek males. They found that when the economy was booming, Greeks were “spritely, amorous and somewhat lusty.” However, since the country’s debts were revealed they were found to be “not bothered at all in female bottoms.”

“It’s just the first of many indexes that we have found accurately reflect the true state of the economy,” said Notalotahopealous. “In Italy, for example, we measured the number of times a large-chested woman received beeps from a car horn while walking down the via Stronzo in Verona. By measuring this over a period of two years, we have found close correlations with the state of the Italian economy. We experimented with smaller-chested women and found that the worse the state of the economy, the more beeps smaller chested women received. Extraordinary. We can only conclude that Italian men, during a recession, downsize their chest preferences.”