The report published today, entitled “Polar Bears are telling lies about climate change”, highlights the lengths polar bears will go to convince us of global warming. Researchers discovered one polar bear whose application for an iceberg extension was repeatedly turned down by the authorities, and consequently posed in a number of photographs looking sad and forlorn for National Geographic magazine. The polar bear, known as “Pete”, is alleged to have received huge payments from National Geographic and climate change activists.

“This Pete character has been taking payments from a number of sources,” claimed Murdoch, “most notably a shady bunch of climate change ‘activists’ who want us to believe that the ice caps are actually melting. Pete lives on a huge iceberg just north of Canada, and he’s been applying for an extension for years.”

“In short,” he continued, “these polar bears are taking the mickey out of us. They try to look all cute and cuddly, but when we approached Pete for a statement, he turned on us and severely mauled one of our junior researchers who is still in a critical condition. So, you see – not only are they crafty, but they’re malicious, too.”

In an apparent riposte to the report, the group “Polar Bears For Change” (PBFC) issued its own report highlighting the plight of the Polar Bear. PBFC’s Chief Bear, Dave, told the Daily Shame: “I remember the good old days when I was growing up, there was ice everywhere. They were great days. My parents had a massive iceberg just off Norway – they saved up for years, and now there’s next to nothing left of it. Nowadays, a Polar Bear considers himself lucky if he’s got 50 square metres of ice and a couple of plates of fish a day, and all those Polar Bears who invested in the good days are all in negative equity. Look at these pictures of really sad bears. Look at them. Look really hard.”

The report, set to be published next week, will lay out a roadmap for awareness, acknowledgement and finally, acceptance of Street Porter’s existence, and recognises that it will put a strain on teaching resources. Lord Byron Overkill, who headed up the committee, said that: “while our resources will undoubtedly be stretched, it is essential that children learn from an early age that Janet Street Porter walks among us. Our roadmap prepares children from an early age, so that it doesn’t come as such a shock later on in life.”

“Research clearly shows that the earlier children know about Janet Street Porter, the better. Those who continue until teenage years without even acknowledging her existence can suffer severe emotional scars upon first encountering her. We’ve had cases of teenagers who have entered shock, and as a result, have missed exams, gone into depression or in some extreme cases, gone into wholesale denial about her existence.”

The “Street Porter Roadmap” proposal suggests that children are introduced to the concept of Janet Street Porter through the medium of cartoon books, in which the buck-tooth TV presenter’s teeth effectively “pop-up” out of the page. Parents have reacted angrily after initial tests showed that five-year-old children were “petrified” by the teeth, but were relieved when informed that children would be shielded from her voice until the age of eight.

At the age of seven, children will be trained to watch videos of Janet Street Porter with the volume down. Once more, test groups proved difficult, with three children vomiting and two having to be carried out by teachers, having fainted. The roadmap plans for the volume to be gradually brought up to audible levels by the age of eight.

As children enter secondary school, plans include two-hour Janet Street Porter endurance sessions on a monthly basis, with support and counselling for those children who feel they are unable to cope with her existence. Head teacher Driveby Wilson, whose Shytte-on-Sea Primary school has been taking part in the tests, said that “not only is this dangerous for children, you have to think of the pressure it is putting on teachers. Already, the Institute for JSP Reseach has recommended a limit of no more than 5 hours of Janet Street Porter per week for a fully grown adult. If you factor in the preparation that goes into these classes, we’re already reaching dangerous levels. I’ve got two members of staff who are on sick leave because of this ridiculous experiment.”

Year Four pupil Trixiebelle Von Peach-Smith said that she is beginning to get used to Street Porter: “I found her really scary at first. Especially when the cartoon Janet started talking. But I think it’s OK now. My mummy comes into my bedroom every time she hears me crying, and I’m not crying as much as I did in the first months.”

Analysts are already worried that the Lord will use his temporary period in charge to rush through a number of pro-Christian measures, from compulsory bible reading in schools and workplaces, through to an all-out war on Islam. However, interim Chancellor, Archangel Gabriel, sought to reassure voters that everything would be ‘as normal’, and that people “should be bloody grateful”.

He continued: “Actually, we ran this country for years until you discovered democracy, and technically, the Queen reports to us anyway. If you look at any wealth and happiness index from back then, compare it to now, you’ll see we were doing a much better job. I’m confident that in the years to come, this interregnum will be seen as one of the most positive, fulfilling periods in British history.”

The markets, however, have reacted unfavourably, with the pound dropping against the loaf of bread and trading floors panicking over rumours that God plans to replace the pound with ‘a system of trust and compassion’. Trader Marcus Rawdeal said that God has repeatedly failed to deliver in the past, and doesn’t see it being any different this time round:

“Where’s he been for 2000 years? I mean, despite repeated pleas, he hasn’t shown his face for ages. And frankly, can you trust a man who turns a blind eye to famine in Ethiopia and oil slicks and wotnot, and then says ‘oh hang on, I think I’ll have a go at running the British economy’.. sorry, it doesn’t work with me, and it doesn’t work with the markets. He’s going to have to work miracles to turn this one around.”

God’s manifesto, however, received the backing of Archbishop Oswald Punchbag, who declared it a “victory for religious maniacs all over the UK”, adding “none of the main political parties has ever had the forethought to punish adultery by stoning, and I don’t see either Labour or the Conservatives replacing libel laws with a system of ‘turning the other cheek’. Perhaps the Liberals would, so there might be room for a coalition there. Personally, I’m overjoyed that God is proposing a great flood in run-down council estates. That way we really can purge this country of irreligious filth.”

One potential roadblock to God’s seizing of control would be the Dark Lord Satan, who has already declared that he could form a minority interim government by offering sweeteners to Nationalists who he says “would sell their souls for nationhood”.

“This is awful news,” said Sky’s Head of HD Sales, Victor Sucebite, pictured above. “The news that millions of families around the UK will be left in HD poverty is worse than any news about children being beaten up or houses being burnt down. It is every family’s right to have High Definition televisions in their home ahead of the World Cup – in exchange for a mere £200 per month plus a HD received and a high-definition ready TV, which is nothing, really, when you think about it. If they don’t have it, imagine the pain and the torment that they will go through during the World Cup.”

“They won’t be able to see Wayne Rooney’s nasal hair”, he mused. “They won’t be able to see the outline of Kaka’s testes, or the laces on Thierry Henry’s boots. They won’t be able to see the full majesty of the South Korean national team’s floppy hair, each and every strand a magnificent zeitgeist, a standing monument to hairdressing and football. How can they go to work the next day and talk about the game on an equal footing? Can you imagine how these viewers must feel, only watching on normal flatscreen televisions? I’m sickened to think that our government is leaving behind all of these people in HD Hardship.”

HD fanatic Eddie Gullible has had HD TV since it came out, and said: “I was one of the first to get a HD telly, and I can’t believe I’ve lived all my life without one. In fact, when I look back at my non-HD years, I feel sick about myself. I feel like I’ve wasted all of those years with low-quality, shit TV. Where would I be if I couldn’t watch the warbling throat mechanisms of X-Factor entrants? Where would I be if I couldn’t see every gobule of spit emitted from a footballer’s mouth? I’d be lost, quite frankly.”

“When I heard that most of the country would be without HD TV for the World Cup, I thought – well, I have to do something.”

Gullible founded “The HD Foundation”, a charity that aims to bring High Definition to the masses. The charity aims to increase knowledge of High Definition television among “poor people” and “the ignorant middle classes”, and will mostly involve a network of pub bores banging on about how HD is the future and that everyone should part with £350 per month for the privilege of high definition.

“It’s the future. Well, that and 3D television, but I haven’t got that yet.”

Analysts claim that the advert has been a massive own goal for the government whose sole aim was to promote usage of the government website portal. “Using the head of Christopher Biggins might have seemed a good idea at the time, but they clearly did not think through the possible consequences. The only worse alternative I can think of is Michael Winner.”, said web analyst Warren Tremendous. “We are now faced with a drop in birth rates as a result of people being put off procreation. That’s how serious this is.”

Complaints have flooded into government officials’ inboxes, and they have promised to set up an “investigation” and an “inquiry” within the next decade, which is the quickest they can do because of “some other shit” they have to do. “Basically, we accept that the head thing was wrong”, said a spokesperson for the government. “Christopher Biggins was wrong. Everything was wrong. What the f-ck do you want us to do? Huh?”

One of the most vociferous calls against the direct.gov advert came from the Anti Christopher Biggins Society, PantNo, whose founder and CEO Eric Landscape-Piscine said: “When I saw this, I puked all over my shoes and couldn’t sleep for a week. For many years, we have been campaigning – successfully – to limit the appearances of Biggins on television and to restrict him to pantomime where his effect is almost nullified. And now this happens. Jesus. All that hard work, undone in one stupid advertising cock-up.”

“What they clearly haven’t understood is what Christopher Biggins means to the British people. Shock, horror, and disgust.”

A report drawn up by government thinktank “Blame 2010″ reveals that 80% of the UK’s salt is eaten by just 20% of the population – and they’re almost all fatties. The report states

Obese people are eating so much salt that the UK’s salt supplies will be eaten up by 2018. In fact, all of the UK’s emergency supplies have been consumed by the obese which spells danger for road and pavement users.

Lord Winstanley-Scapegoat told assembled reporters that local councils will have to seek alternative gritting solutions: “The situation is desperate”, said the landed pansy. “Our salt supplies are being chomped by big people. It’s in their pork pies, it’s on their chips and it’s in all of their ready meals that they eat in front of the telly every night. That’s why people are slipping on the ice every day. This report, however, does not advocate that you go out looking for vigilante action against fat people, nor does it advocate the use of force to gain entry to their pantries.”

Protesters outside the obese man’s house in Basingstoke are chanting “we want your fridge” and “cough up the salt, dough boy”, although Liberal Democrat MP Quentin Noboddie suggested that the report was just a cover-up for local councils who are “unashamedly lazy”: “They have the grit”, he said, “and they have the people to go gritting the roads. What they don’t have is any get-up-and-go. This report which was cobbled together in five minutes is no more than a cover up for absolute sheer bloody laziness on behalf of the councils.”

Indeed, the 34 Greggs outlets in Basingstoke have all installed metal shutters to protect themselves against “salt scavengers”, issuing a statement through their press office, which reads: “Greggs commits itself to high-quality salt-based snacks and is in no way responsible for the current salt shortage. If you want to blame anyone, blame the Scots.”