Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
The government committee set up to investigate global warming has accused Polar Bears of “exaggerating” the melting of the ice caps. Rupert Murdoch, who kindly volunteered to head up the commission, said “there is startling evidence that polar bears have been putting on a bit of a show.”
A government education committee is set to recommend that children as young as 5 should be taught about the existence of Janet Street Porter. Parents have reacted angrily to the suggestion, claiming that “no child that young should know such things”.
The Lord has seized control of the United Kingdom, saying that even he has had enough of “all this indecision bollocks”. In an unprecedented move, the CEO of Christianity declared interim leadership of the UK, saying “you can have it back when you’ve sorted yourselves out”.
Hundreds of thousands, if not millions of families, will be left without HD coverage of this year’s World Cup, according to a report published by Sky TV and charity the HD Foundation. In what is known as “HD Hardship”, or “High Definition Poverty”, families around the UK will be forced to watch the tournament on non-high definition 50 inch flatscreens or plasma televisions.
The government has been forced to apologise to the public for the direct.gov advert in which Christopher Biggins’ head is superimposed onto the body of a baby. “It should have been noticed at an earlier stage”, said a spokesman, “and we apologise for the upset, anger and vomiting that it has caused.”
The house of an obese man in Basingstoke has been surrounded by angry protesters after the government revealed that they can no longer grit the roads as fat people have used up all the salt. Large people around the country are tonight living in fear of reprisals.
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
