Gordon Brown, who has been trying to get through to Mrs Windsor since 9 this morning, wants to resign from politics altogether and live as a hermit in Scotland, but first has to jump through the constitutional hoop that is talking to the Queen. However, this task is proving difficult, as Labour officials try desperately to grab the attention of someone in Buckingham Palace.

A source close to the Queen said: “Actually, since Thursday she’s been watching box sets of Friends and 24, and she’s not even watched the news. Phillip said something this morning about that surly sour-faced Jock wanting to quit, and she put her hands over her ears, went ‘la la la la la’ and ran out of the room. Frankly, she just doesn’t want to know – constitution or no constitution.”

Early attempts to contact the Queen last week were met with the monarch faking a bad line, allegedly saying “what? shhhhhhhhh it’s shhhhhhhh bad line shhhhhh” before turning the phone off. We understand that even if David Cameron comes to an agreement with the Liberal Democrats, the Queen is unlikely to turn her mobile on or answer any calls on the landline.

However, the Tories have drawn up plans to ‘poke’ the monarch on Facebook, and update their statuses to “looking for Betty Windsor”. Failing that, they are believed to have asked Nigel Farage to fly a light air craft past her bedroom window with a banner saying “Wake up Betty, we need you”. However, the Queen has closed all curtains, and has not updated her Facebook page since early last week when she updated her own status to “rather fancy that Nicholas Clegg lol”.

“I simply cannot believe that in this day and age,” he muttered, “nothing can be done about what is clearly a network problem. These are important times, and if my network is down – despite assurances to the contrary – I can’t receive phone calls. I mean, the least I was expecting was a call from Mandy, but nothing. Not a peep, as clearly, nobody can get through. Even now I’ve resigned – nothing. It’s really annoying me now.”

“Let me put it like this. Either Vodafone sort out the problems on my line immediately, or I’ll be writing a strongly worded letter. I’ll even mention it to Betty Windsor when I go and see her later in the week. I mean, she hasn’t even been able to get through either, and I bet you she’s been frantic.”

Sources close to Brown have revealed his “spitting fury” at the network problems. The temporary Prime Minister apparently checked his mobile phone for messages every 30 seconds on Saturday, and at one point launched the mobile against the wall. However, as it was an old make of Nokia, the mobile bounced back and remained entirely intact. In fact, to all intents and purposes, the phone has been working better than ever since the ‘bounce’ incident.

Brown’s Facebook status has simply been changed to “… is still waiting for this bloody network to sort itself out”, and he has only tweeted three times since the election.

A close friend of Brown said “he couldn’t bear it, so on Sunday, he went round to Alistair’s, knocked on the door and the maid came out – said that Alistair had gone to play with some other friends in Brussels and wouldn’t be back until some time in the week. He skulked off with his hands in his pockets, kicking stones and muttering something about his playstation. He spent most of Sunday evening listening to chamber music in his bedroom at full volume.”

“This is a huge victory for ‘meh’,”, said Cameron, visibly salivating. “The British public have voted en masse for nothing in particular. This huge swing to mehness is a damning indictment of Gordon Brown’s commitment to one way or the other, which quite frankly, we’ve all had enough of.”

Oily senior Tories have been queuing up to hail the new period of “meh” as the new cool. Oliver Letwin said that it was “marvellous” that “meh” had won the day:

“Today marks the first day of political apathy for many, many years of boring, straightforward decision-making – and the people have turned out in record numbers to demonstrate that middle of the road meh-itude.”

Gordon Brown, however, tried in vain to latch onto the new mood of “meh” by slouching on a lectern outside Downing Street, telling reporters that he no longer “really gave a toss”, and was happy to stick around in number 10 for “a while… whatever.”

Peter Mandelson simpered: “We at Labour have always been meh, and are looking forward to the opportunity to be completely meh with whichever party wants to be non-committally meh with us. But frankly, we’re not bothered any more. Is that convincing? Was I convincing enough there? I’m not sure. Is this microphone on?”

The last time Britain displayed meh on such a huge scale was back in 1974, when Edward Heath spent three days lying in bed after an election, refusing to talk to anyone.

“I think it’s safe to say that all three of us have won tonight,” said Gordon Brown, smiling like a lunatic. “There are no losers here today. We’re all winners, and we all did really well. In fact, after the show, I made sure that Nick, David and myself all received equal prizes of equal size and value, so that nobody feels under-appreciated or under-valued.”

“I also made sure that I shook hands with both of them for an equal amount of time so that not only is it fair, but everyone feels like a winner.”

Most experts agree that Gordon Brown actually lost the debate, having forgotten his microphone was on at one point and mumbling “you’re all c-nts” to the audience.

Most experts thought that his opening line: “This is a hard job, and yes, I know I’m a twat,” was inappropriate. A visibly grumpy Brown continued to murmur to himself, insulting members of the audience for their bad hair or ugly faces. David Cameron, however, was seen making faces at Nick Clegg, while the Liberal Democrat leader was automatically deducted 20 points by the Murdoch Institute for Truth.

David Dimbleby offered a goodie bag to each leader, and ensured that each goodie bag had an equal number of sweets in them.

“They’re all winners,” he beamed. “Except, perhaps for Gordon. He was shit again. I just wanted to ensure that Gordon didn’t feel too bad about looking stupid. It’s just a shame that we can’t do the same for him next week.”

The last-minute decision to switch to a horse race was taken by current prime minister Gordon Brown after Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg proved more popular than sliced bread in a phone vote.

However, Brown is trying to divert attention away from rivals and towards the economy. Labour minister and manifesto architect Millie Headband said: “The economy is safe in our hands. We will be forcing bookmakers to pay all of their profits from the election race to the government. This money will be ring-fenced it to buy Greece and provide free holidays there for hard-working British families.”

Rules for the three-horse race are still being finalised but only the three main parties will be allowed to enter. The winner will be determined on a first-past-the-post basis. This has disappointed Liberal Democrats, who wanted an element of proportionality in the outcome. UKIP are reported to be furious at the decision to make it a three-horse race, claiming that Nigel Farage could have easily taken part, as he is half-horse himself on his mother’s side.

Lib Dem spokesman Lemsip Cableknit said: “We wanted the number of bets placed on each horse to be taken into account. As it stands, one horse can win despite gaining only a small proportion of the betting. That is patently unfair.”

SNP leader Alice Salmontickler is furious at being left out of the race: “Limiting the race to only three horses is an outrageous injustice typical of this London-centric policital system. We have perfectly good horses in Scotland. They keep leaving me out of everything and it just makes me want to cry.”

The Green Party has expressed disappointment at being left out of the running but has welcomed the radical move. Its leader, Carrie Online-Ludicrous, said: “We applaud putting sustainable transportation like horse riding centre stage. This race will have a lower carbon footprint than millions of voters travelling to polling booths, too.”

Conservatives have criticised the move to a three-horse race for not going far enough. “This is typical of the half-baked, opportunistic proposals we have come to expect from this government,” said Alexander St John  Spigginbottom, an aide to David Cameron. “Under a Conservative government, I can guarantee that future elections will be decided not by three horses, but lots of horses and lots of hounds pursuing whoever is the Lib Dem leader at the time.”

“She’s old enough to be more bigoted,” said Eric Saskatchewan of the BBA. “And frankly, she’s endemic of the situation of modern bigotry in this country. Not only is our proud history of bigotry in the hands of stupid old people, but it’s nowhere near what it used to be.”

The BBA has issued a pamphlet designed to promote bigotry, especially to youngsters, who are increasingly turning their backs on bigotry.

Says Saskatchewan: “Bigotry as we know it could die out completely if kids don’t get into it. Instead, they’re taught that everyone is equal and that nobody is stupid. We’d love to get more kids into bigotry. But only white ones. And no gays.”

“See – that’s proper bigotry,” he beamed.

Gordon Brown, in the meantime, has been forced to make an embarrassing apology to the BBA after calling an old woman a bigot when, in fact, she was only slightly bigoted.

Lord Mandelson told reporters: “Gordon is proud of Britain’s heritage in bigotry, and equally proud of Britain’s bigots. What he said today was an insult to Britain’s ignorant population, who uphold the true values of bigotry.”

Saskatchewan called upon bigots to return to the “core values of British bigotry”, saying “we’re not doing enough to maintain racism, sexism and all forms of discrimination in our society. Frankly, it seems that we’ve lost sight of the core tenets of bigotry: a complete and utter disdain and disregard for other people and cultures, a total ignorance of facts, and an absolute belief in ones own irrationality.”

“If that woman’s a bigot, I’m a gay, negro monkey’s uncle.”

The Prime Minister is reportedly furious that Samantha Cameron has stolen a march on his party by timing her pregnancy to perfection. A source close to Gordon Brown said that he was “fuming” that no Labour MPs even thought of getting pregnant, and he called in all “impregnable” Labour MPs for the hairdryer treatment.

“You lazy good-for-nothing bints,” he screamed. “I’m going to lose the election because you selfish tarts can’t be bothered to have a baby to save my skin. Caroline Flint recoiled in disgust as Brown made strange thrusting groinal movements in a sarcastic attempt to demonstrate how the baby-making act takes place, telling sources afterwards that: “it was creepy more than scary”. She continued: “he singled me out because apparently I should be dropping babies left right and centre.”

Glenda Jackson dared to tell the Prime Minister that she was no longer of an age to have children, only to have the PM turn on her, screaming “Well have a f-cking granddaughter or something. Anything. Jesus!”

Brown’s attempts to mimic the Cameron campaign have all ended in failure. Last week, the PM informed reporters that he was “going out for a jog”, only for Brown to reach the end of Downing Street, complain of a stitch, and call for a cab to get back home.

“It was awful”, said Jemima Puddleshit, from Ascot, Berkshire. “Jeremy and I go away every weekend – and we were meant to be in Rome, sipping espresso on the piazza. Instead, we had to stay here – in Britain – yeuch! It was our first weekend here for three years, and I had no idea how grotty it was! All of those people in caps, drinking beer from cans on street corners. You wouldn’t find that in Barcelona, now, would you?”

“I can’t wait for this ash to clear so I can resume going away all the time,” she moaned.

Hugh Hawhaw-Smith from Surrey said that he had never experienced England on a Saturday, saying that it was “some kind of grim”. He continued: “you can’t get a decent half of frothy beer anywhere – it’s all pint glasses, and nobody accepts the euro! How are we meant to survive?”

“The minute this ash clears up, I’m outta here on the first cheap flight I can find. Anywhere. Even Ireland, I don’t care… so long as I don’t have to spend another weekend in Britain.”

Some, however, have seized the opportunity to enjoy a taste of Britain for the first time. Windsor resident and travel blogger Quentin Petersfield-Disaster wrote in his blog, Always there, never here:

“I stepped outside my door and inhaled the fresh British air, and then supped espresso at this quaint little cafe they call ‘Nero’. The Brits are a charming bunch, and the local tipple is something called ‘lager’, which is served in large pint glasses. Travel tip: don’t ask for a martini in a pub!!!”

Gordon Brown, in the meantime, has pledged to bring home Britain’s warcraft in an attempt to revive the short-break culture, saying: “It is our duty, as British citizens, to go abroad every weekend for a few pence. That is why, as of today, I pledge to bring home our warcraft so that we can ship people out for the coming weekend. I will also deploy a giant hoover above the clouds, to suck up all of this volcanic ash that is depriving us of our right to go abroad all the time.”

“What the people of Scotland want,” claimed Brown yesterday, “is an ambitious project that represents the Scottish way of life and costs absolutely billions of pounds. This beautiful island,” announced Brown, “will be deep-fried for approximately 3 minutes with a rainfall of boiling vegetable oil, and the two neighbouring islands of Skooogh and Skeeegh will be covered in dipping sauces of ketchup and brown sauce.”

“We will then invite Scottish sheep to graze on deep-fried grass, and the island’s deer will be perfectly encased in a mouth-watering, crunchy batter.”

The Labour government asked some of Britain’s most renowned artists for grand-scale projects that would boost Labour’s chances in Scotland. Anish Kapoor proposed a haggis the size of Dundee, although the population of Dundee rebelled at the idea, as it was actually intended to replace the city. Tracey Emin proposed a small nuclear disaster in the Shetland Isles, but it was Damien Hirst’s deep-fried island that won the approval of the government.

Hirst told reporters: “the deep-fried island reflects the very essence of Scotland, in that there is a tough, crunchy exterior, with a soft, beautiful interior, and that at first glance, things are not as they seem. The deep-fried island mirrors all of Scotland’s hopes and aspirations – and we’re quite sure that people will find it very tasty.”

Local hermit Douglas McWyllie, however, said that he would be petitioning the government to stop the deep fry, saying that he has lived on the island for 50 years with his two sheep and doesn’t want any damn tourists. “It’s my island, you bastards,” he railed. “I’ve lived here all my life and some poncey bastard artist comes along thinking he can cover it in batter, deep fry it and pass it off as art? What about ma hoose? What about my sheep? I mean, I like my food deep fried as much as anyone, but the batter will go all soggy within a couple of hours. It’s just madness.”

Heston Blumenthal, however, believes it is a brilliant idea, and has been commissioned by the government to create the batter.

“I think it’s genius,” he said all bright-eyed and beaming. “What I thought would go really well with all that bog and peat out there is a vodka-based tempura mixture that has been mixed through with nitrous oxide and lark’s vomit. Then we’re literally going to coat the mixture onto the island and release a 3-minute non-stop cloudburst of vegetable oil that will deep-fry the whole place to buggery. I can’t wait.”