Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
The Lord has seized control of the United Kingdom, saying that even he has had enough of “all this indecision bollocks”. In an unprecedented move, the CEO of Christianity declared interim leadership of the UK, saying “you can have it back when you’ve sorted yourselves out”.
God today launched a glitzy marketing campaign to rebrand the humble, yet unpopular Brussel Sprout as the “Fun Sprout”. The campaign, managed by advertising agency Saatchi and Saatchi, will involve a number of miracles and visions taking place in holy locations, as well as some more straightforward magazine and TV advertising.
Anglican extremists today stepped up their campaign of terror by unleashing a computer virus that infects the computers of Windows users. The worm, which is described as “mildly irksome” by computer experts, causes systems to flash up messages such as “follow the path of God or I shall give you a mild scolding”.
God has shocked followers by declaring that he is considering a transfer to Buddhism. The Lord, whose contract with Christianity expired at the turn of the millenium, has been on a rolling contract with the religion ever since, and has been courted by other religions on a regular basis.
Jesus has finally got round to responding to the Beatles’ famous jibe that they are bigger than him. Last night, the Messiah tweeted: “@theBeatles: no you are bloody not”.
Residents of Heaven have voiced concerns over the growing trend for commercial sponsorship in the Kingdom of God. Archangel Gabriel told the Daily Shame that “paradise is beginning to lose its soul”.
Scientists at the CERN centre in Switzerland say that the elusive Higgs-Boson particle loves to have a “laugh and a drink”, and is in fact one of the cheekiest particles they have ever tried to find.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
