Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Madcap French coach Raymond Domenech has revealed that his French side to face Uruguay in the World Cup this week was picked after an in-depth conversation with Hindu God Ganesha. The zany Indian God came to Domenech to warn him of the alignment his ascendent and Uranus, and the inherent dangers of picking Thierry Henry.
The Britannia National Party has pledged 2 gold coins for every Angle, Jute and Saxon who has invaded England, to go back “from whence they came”. The BNP says that “this country is full” and that every non-indigenous immigrant should pack their bags.
French pride has been restored as a survey revealed that the French are better binge drinkers than the English. The survey, which follows hot on the heels of a previous survey which revealed the English as spending more time in the kitchen, shows that the French not only binge drink more, but they are higher quality binge drinkers.
The village of Bisous-sur-Fesses in Normandy is today in shock after three people were killed and five more injured at the unveiling of a new cheese. The cheese, Chaussettes de Fesses, has officially been labelled the smelliest cheese in the world by the Institute de Fromages qui Puent, and has been quarantined until further notice.
Cross-channel relations are at an all-time low as Shytte-on-Sea mayor Winston Cumbersome tore up the twin town agreement between his town and the French village of Coquine-sur-Yvette. The discovery that Coquine had twinned itself with at least five other towns left Cumbersome in despair, with “no alternative” but to find a more “loyal” twin town for Shytte-on-Sea.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy has appealed for reason after Sunday night’s televised film ended without the death of a leading protagonist. The French nation is believed to be in a collective state of shock after the happy ending, which was judged by many to be “excessive” and “totally un-French.”
The dish: cold. The service: rude. The place: the Cafe des Connards, on the famed rue des Merdes in Paris, which claims to be the restaurant with the rudest waiters on earth, and le garcon has just told me to shit myself a new head.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
