Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Steven Gerrard makes me sick. How is it that a young man, paid by the truckload, thinks he can let down his country and then HAVE SEX? I for one think Steven Gerrard is an absolute disgrace, and he should be showing the country exactly how sorry he is by cutting himself with knives until it really hurts.
Fans of local side Shytte Orthopaedic have called for manager Frankie Acapella to step down after a humiliating defeat in a pre-season friendly against Bayer Arschloch of Germany. Acapella, who is thought to earn a three-figure salary, has resisted calls to resign, but a string of abject performances has left fans furious.
North Korea has celebrated its victory over Brazil with parties long into the night, and crowds lining the streets to proclaim Kim Jong Il as the “greatest ever leader ever in the history of the world”. The World Cup minnows “beat” Brazil last night 4-0 in one of the greatest “upsets” ever seen.
England physios have revealed that defender Ledley King is to be “taken apart” and rebuilt after every game in the tournament. The fragile Spurs and England defender will be deconstructed, and each body part will be kept in safe keeping by highly paid security agents.
Hundreds of thousands, if not millions of families, will be left without HD coverage of this year’s World Cup, according to a report published by Sky TV and charity the HD Foundation. In what is known as “HD Hardship”, or “High Definition Poverty”, families around the UK will be forced to watch the tournament on non-high definition 50 inch flatscreens or plasma televisions.
Newcastle United Chairman Mike Ashley has revealed that the club’s supporters are to be re-named from next season, and will be known as “the M&Ms @ Newcastle United”. The deal, which sees the club pocket a few pounds, will mean that all Newcastle fans will have to refer to themselves as M&Ms.
Yesterday’s grudge match between Shytte Rovers and Oxminster Acne ended 0-0 as all 22 players refused to acknowledge each other. A string of feuds and rivalries spilled over into a bitch-fest of blanking and pretending not to notice each other.
A Shytte-on-Sea resident has won control of Portsmouth Football Club after a game of cards “got out of control” at the Dog and Disco pub last night. He says that he will give “110%” to the club despite his limited finances.
The game between Shytte Rovers and Crapwater Snorkels in the Norfolk Exhaust Pipes League Division 2 came to an end yesterday after 32 minutes as players realised that nobody was actually watching them.
Officials at Burnley FC have strenuously denied accusations that they “sexed up” the Brian Laws dossier in order to gain the fans’ backing of their new manager. An official told the Daily Shame that “Brian Laws is a true legend and yes, yes he did fight at El Alamein, you go look it up on Google.”
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
