“This has been a real blessing,” admitted head teacher Frederick von Bottomley. “I mean, yes, there’s the health thing, but we’ve been trying to get kids to use their adjectives for years, and nothing had happened. And then along comes Saint Jamie of Oliver – and hey presto, it’s adjective upon compound adjective upon adverb… it’s magnificent. From ‘lovingly hand-roasted’ parsnips to ’sweet, crunchy, oven-baked crisps’, our childrens’ adjectives have improved enormously.”

Oliver’s school meals are literally dripping with adjectival and adverbal juices, including “Jamie’s woodchip-smoked pigeon with lightly crushed maris piper potatoes, scattered with finely chopped, hand-picked chives”, and “Jamie’s hand-churned ice cream with lovingly drizzled home-made raspberry coulis and home-baked wafers.”

Von Bottomley continued: “This has extended into the classroom. Whereas before, teachers were struggling to get a sentence out of some kids, they’re getting stuff like ‘home-prepared answers to lovingly-set questions’ instead of homework, and ‘eagerly awaited and anticipated end of the day’ instead of home time. I have to say, I’m absolutely delighted, and none of this would have happened with Turkey Twizzlers.”

13-year-old Hugo Jukes said that he doesn’t understand what everyone’s on about, but he “really does love Jamie’s sparkling, magnificent food,” adding that “I never did like those factory-made Turkey Twizzlers, and since Jamie came, we’ve had gorgeously hand-served meals on delightfully hand-cleaned plates. All this talk about overly used compound adjectives makes no sense to me, I’m just glad that my fantastically prepared teacher comes into our hand-painted classroom every morning with plenty of great new stuff to teach us.”

Grammarians have warned, however, that over-usage of compound adjectives can lead to alienation and, at worst, depression. Benjamin Overheated from the Adjectival Institute of Oxfordshire said that “it’s fine to toy with adjectives at a young age – and to throw in some adverbs, create compounds – yes, it’s fun, it’s enjoyable, it’s risky. But what happens when the adjectives no longer make sense? What happens when there’s no need for a compound adjective? It’s OK for Jamie Oliver to play around with these difficult grammatical constructs, but youngsters should know the risks. We’ve already had several cases of people under 18 who have stumbled over the wrong adjectives, and have needed therapy.”

The new challenge of cooking while being continually berated by a Gordon Ramsey lookalike just smacks of cheap TV, though. Yes, I can see that it adds to the pressure the contestants are under, but for a few quid extra, they could have had the real Gordon Ramsey.

Much more satisfying was ITV2’s take on the format, Mastercunt in which contestants are put through a number of challenges to prove what an absolute twat they are. It’s great TV and I heartily recommend it, if not just for contestant Gary, whose winning streak continued after he mugged a granny in broad daylight. Fantastic telly! Host Fearne Cotton was in raptures when he followed that task up by taking a shit on the London underground, horrifying fellow passengers, and then proceeding to berate all the other contestants in the now obligatory swear-off at the end of the show. When he called Hugo a “po-faced slack-jawed ponce with huge nonce potential”, a little pee came out, I laughed so hard.

I can’t wait for Mastercunt the DVD to come out with all the best bits and the added extras, including a promised “interactive Gary”, which is going to be great fun. Last night’s loser Samantha turned out to be far too nice, refusing to mug the granny and then making a horrific mistake by complimenting a passer-by on their hairdo. Fail!

I’m not entirely sure what I make of Channel 4’s new show Come Shag With Me, but it’s certainly entertaining viewing, if nothing else. The premise is simple – four people sleep with each other and then score the host on the way home in the taxi while Dave Lamb makes wry comments about them, such as “He’s on a mission – a missionary!” or “the night’s turning out to be a flop for father of 3 Jim – in more ways than one!”

While Jim failed to get it up, he still managed to score a respectable 25 from his sex guests – notably for setting the mood with all those candles and having the good grace to offer them a shower and an After Eight mint. Nymphomaniac Maria, however, got it all wrong, scaring the crap out of the fellas by jumping on them the minute they got in the door. Wrong, Maria, just wrong.

BBC2’s Biggins Watch continues to be captivating viewing. This week, Bill Oddie nearly jumped out of his pants when Christopher Biggins appeared to notice him Biggins-watching from the bushes, but the former Goodie was saved when Biggins noticed a half-eaten packet of crisps on a park bench nearby and was distracted. Biggins has only just come out of hibernation, so it’s an ideal time for Biggins Watch to resume. He looks dazed and confused most of the time, which is part of the entertainment.

Bill Oddie, however, is getting more and more bizarre by the day. Yesterday, it took him ten minutes to notice that he was only presenting in his underpants, and then he proceeded to berate co-presenter Tess Daly for not knowing about Christopher Biggins’ third nipple, live on air.

“Every vegetarian knows that bacon is fine”, beamed Milton-Keynes 1066, head of VAGINA. “Some people say it comes from pigs, but we all know that bacon is grown from the earth, just like asparagus and potatoes, and maybe chicken stock too. It smells great, and we just want to taste it goddamnit, hand it over.”

A demonstration of well over 20 salivating vegetarians marched on Downing Street last week in an attempt to get Gordon Brown to overturn the ruling that bacon was indeed a “meat product” and came from swine. Factions within the group have been claiming that bacon should be legalised for vegetarians at least for medical use.

“Eating nut roast every day is fine, but when someone’s eating bacon across the table from you, the emotional damage that can be caused is huge. All we’re asking is for at least one slice to be made available to vegetarians for medicinal purposes,” moaned Alexandre Calind’arbre. “Or at the very least, for an extended period of research into the reaction of vegetarians against bacon. Oh come on, please?”

A number of vegetarian scientists have proposed “Morning Star Streaky Bacon” as a vegetarian bacon, which although it looks somewhat like bacon, tastes more like nut roast. “We’re not fooled”, claimed Calind’arbre. “Blindfold your average vegetarian, give ‘em fakon and they’ll more than likely vomit their guts up. We want the real stuff.”

Last month, government officials voted unanimously against reclassifying chicken as vegetarian, despite repeated pleas from chef Gordon Ramsey, who was last seen pelting vegetarians with slices of venison.

Strict vegetarians, though, have warned against the consequences: “Yes, we all crave a slice of the good stuff – who doesn’t”, opined Belinda duMarais of the Orthodox Vegetarian Union of London and Region (OVULAR). “But once you’ve tried bacon, once you’ve cleared that meaty, tasty hurdle, what’s next? Full-on pork? Beef? Bernard Matthews factory made turkey joints?”

A senior turkey, however, told the Daily Shame that the vote of 99.9% in favour of Christmas was “horribly skewed” and that turkeys are nowhere near as stupid as people – and Bernard Matthews – would have them believe.

“Where do you think we get that expression from – like turkeys voting for Christmas? We get it because not even the most stupid turkey would vote for Christmas. We’re neither religious nor dumb – in fact, some of us can hold a conversation for several minutes. Now find me an animal that can do that.”

“And now we’re given the chance of a referendum – to finally lay this thing to bed – and what happens? We turn around and find out that the vote was 99.9% in favour of Christmas.”

“I sense the hand of Bernard Matthews behind all this.”

Matthews, who organised the referendum, said that it was “legally binding” and that the turkey vote for Christmas was “bootiful”. He continued: “Look, I know turkeys better than anyone and they’re just dumb. They were clucking on about Christmas and how – for some reason – about 7 million of them just disappear around the start of December. Well I told them that if they wanted to vote on it, they could. And they did. In favour. Amazing.”

However, the senior turkey disputes the legality of the vote. “Mr Matthews took us into a booth and seemed to give us free rein as to whether we voted for Christmas, or against it. But I could see him putting pressure on certain turkeys as they entered the voting barn, and I’ll bet you anything he’s tampered with the votes.”

“I even heard him telling one turkey that she’d become a bag of turkey twizzlers if she didn’t vote for Christmas. He’s a scumbag.”

“We have no idea how deep this thing runs”, says Ulster’s Head of Food Things, Gerry O’Belch. “Iris Robinson had her claws dug deep into the industry, with a network of 19-year-old boys running restaurants and cafes and bars, and it was all propped up by this constant flow of cash.”

Seventeen more teenagers last night admitted that they had slept with Iris Robinson in exchange for cheques worth several tens of thousands of pounds. One, little Dougie McCheeseburger, had used the money to start up his restaurant “The Iris” as a sign of his devotion to the errant wife of the First Minister.

“I thought I was alone”, says McCheeseburger, “but she was funding every restaurant in the town, the dirty old bat. I feel used.”

O’Belch said that she had created an illusion of good times for the industry: “It was all looking so good. Nobody even stopped to question how so many teenage boys were all of a sudden owning restaurants and running them, they just got on with it and they were doing so well. And then, all of a sudden, they started getting text messages from the First Minister’s wife saying that she wanted the money back.”

Robinson’s plan to dominate the restaurant trade appears to have backfired after a dodgy curry at one of her protégé’s restaurants. Amir Fling, whose six-month affair with Robinson came to an end after he allowed two gay people into his restaurant, said “what a terrible evening that was. I’d put too much chilli in her curry, and she was already fuming. Then my two friends Jeremy and Gus came into the restaurant, and she blew her top. Give me back my money, she started screaming, give me back my money.”

Robinson then racked up phone bills that ran into triple figures texting every restaurant in Northern Ireland, saying “if I had an affair with you, I want my money back.”

O’Belch concluded that the boom time is over now that Robinson has been found out: “We look a bit foolish really. Before Robinson, it was just chips and beans. During Robinson, it was jus and truffles. After Robinson, well I guess we’re just going to go back to chips and beans.”

“The potato has come in for some stick”, says Alfred Tuberhugger of the BPB. “But we want to tell people that potatoes are great and can be used in any way, shape or fashion. Why, I’ve built my house out of potatoes.”

The campaign, fronted by Midlands celebrity and spud-face Adrian Chiles, will cost the BPB several tens of pounds, promoting safe potato usage and suggesting innumerable ways of using the versatile veggie. It also suggests labelling the potato as a “mega-veg” to boost sales in the lucrative healthfood sector.

“We’re hoping people will start drinking potato smoothies”, says spud-fan Chiles. “But it’s not just for food. I use mashed potato instead of shaving cream, and I use baked potatoes instead of paper weights. I’m even hoping that my special potato bake will help me woo Christine Bleakley. She’s Irish, sort of, so I bet she’ll love it.”

Blumenthal is in a critical but stable condition at the Royal Berkshire Hospital after the incident in which a new dish that he was creating with his laboratory helper, Igor, mutated. Igor told reporters outside the hospital:

“It was horrible. We were making a very simple dish of lark’s vomit and liquorice extract on a base of caviar and reindeer gut. Heston had added nitrous oxide before adding his key ingredient – radiation – and the dish just turned on him. It jumped from the plate, seized him by the throat, and I beat it off with a hippopotamus tongue. It jumped out of the window and that’s the last I saw of it.”

Residents in Bray are reportedly “very worried” about the development. One, former magician Paul Daniels, said that “around 8pm last night, when I was trying to saw Debbie in half, we heard a scratching at the door. There was some growling, so I put the saw down and went to the door. I shouted ’say Yes Paul’, which is my signature catchphrase, you see, and something seemed to say ‘Yes Paul’ back. Nobody’s done that since the 1980s, so I was very scared.”

Carol Vorderman said that she would “never go out again”, which has reportedly raised the morale of everyone within the town, while a naked Billy Connolly was seen in the bushes with a baseball bat in the early hours of the morning shouting “here dishy dishy.”

Laboratory assistant Igor, however, says that he is on a one-man quest to calm the escaped food. “As Heston lay spluttering on the floor, he told me that the only way to get the food back into the laboratory was to tempt it back in with candied kangaroo tail. We’ve only got ten left so this had better work!”