Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Teachers are claiming victory thanks to Jamie Oliver’s new school meals, which have improved adjective usage among children. Since introducing the healthy meals at schools, not only are children getting off their over-sized arses, they are using 45% more adjectives, and 21% more adverbs.
BBC’s Masterchef continues to plumb new depths. In last night’s episode, producers were forced to apologise after completely forgetting the food. It was a 30-minute testosterone fest of contestants telling us how much they wanted to win it, and how much they were up for it – but where was the nosh?
An influential Vegetarian think tank has called for bacon to be reclassified as a vegetable. The Vegetarian Action Group Influencing New Action (VAGINA), have called upon the government to act quickly.
Bernard Matthews spoke out last night after claims were made that the turkeys’ vote for Christmas was rigged. “It was all done in an open and honest manner”, insisted Matthews.
As the dust settles on the Irish Robinson affair, the Northern Irish restaurant industry is warning of dire times ahead. As restaurateurs come out of the woodwork proclaiming that Robinson was funding their enterprises, a stem in the flow of that money could prove lethal.
The British Potato Board today launches its glitzy campaign to boost sales of the humble spud with its catchy slogan “not just for the Irish”. With potato sales falling after revelations that the food was “kinda plain” and that “you can’t eat it raw, you have to cook it”, the BPB are hoping that their new campaign will promote safe spudding.
The residents of the small Berkshire village of Bray are tonight battoning down the hatches as it was revealed that Heston Blumenthal had been attacked by his own food. The rogue dish has escaped his laboratory and run on the rampage through the village.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
