“My visit to India comes at a time of grave importance,” beamed Hague. “We need to take firm action against these restless natives, otherwise we’ll lose the Empire, don’t you know! 13 years of Labour has effectively lost us control of the British Empire!” Hague then beckoned to one of his man servants to peel him a grape, while another knelt down in front of him to act as a table. He continued, grape in mouth:

“India is of huge strategic value to the Empire, so it is vital that we quell this highly unusual thirst for personal and individual success that they seem to have gained during Labour’s control, and get them back to being completely and utterly servile in the name of the Queen and myself. These days, they have no respect! I walked down a high street in Delhi, and nobody got out of my way! People were bumping into me or trying to sell me stuff.

“I’m Lord Viceroy of India, Preserver of the Taj Mahal and a few other things, I can’t quite remember the full title right now… in the good old days, they’d have been bowing down in front of me!”

Hague’s visit to India has been mired in controversy from the start. The Foreign Secretary stepped off the plane at Indira Ghandi International Airport wearing a safari suit and sporting a rifle, which was immediately seized by what Hague calls “disrespectful” customs officials. Hague then proceeded to berate airport officials for failing to shine his shoes, and asked for one to be sacked because he was speaking on his mobile phone instead of kow-towing to the new Lord Viceroy of India, Preserver of the Taj Mahal, First Marquess Hague of Madras and Imbiber of Kingfisher.

“The Lord Viceroy is very angry,” said Hague’s adviser Ronseal Barrowthorpe III of Basingstoke. “The locals are out to get him. Last night, he tried to order a Chicken Balti, and nobody had a clue what he was talking about. They were definitely pretending. Everyone knows what a Balti is. Lord Hague is furious that the Labour Government has let the Empire slip through our fingers to such an extent. We have had 13 years of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, and the Empire has gone to the dogs under Labour.”

Hague’s team have been trying to arrange a tribal dance for the Lord Viceroy to attend, in an attempt to appease him. Locals, however, are confused: “Who is this funny little white man?” said Arun, a multi-millionnaire from Bombay.

“I’ve been a fool,” he said, reading from a prepared statement at a press conference. “I’ve been a damn fool and I’ve let everyone down. Not only was I completely and utterly sober, I was actually drinking carrot and wheatgrass juice until 10 in the morning with my wife. There is no excuse for my actions, and I apologise wholeheartedly. I now have to face my children, who know that I was sober at work, and I do not know how I can live with that shame. I now return to my constituency whereupon I shall endeavour to continue my work as a drunk.”

There are suggestions that von Rochester has been coerced by the party into turning his sobriety problem into a public consultation. Von Rochester himself added: “In fact, I shall be asking my constituents which drinks they want me to get drunk on, as part of our new openness thing.”

Fellow MPs have lambasted Von Rochester for his appalling sobriety. Liam Fox slurred: “He’s a f-cking disgrace. I tell you what, I’m challenging him to a fight – a fight, yes that’s right, a fight. Me and him, mano a mano, outside on the lawn outside Westminster. Come on Von Rochie or whatever your name is – think you can be a Tory MP without being off your bloody head? Bastard.”

Theresa May swigged back her eighteenth gin and tonic before launching into a tirade, saying “it’s people like him that make it just Britain – not Great Britain – not Amazing F-cking Britain, just Britain. He makes me sick. Or that might just be the gin. Wha’ever. I saw him, right. I saw him walking IN A STRAIGHT LINE down this corridor in Westminster. He wasn’t even singing about green goblins or anything, he was just – sober. There was no vomit dribbling down his chin, his tie was straight. Everything was wrong. He wasn’t slumped in a corner or passed out in a chair… he doesn’t deserve to be a Tory.”

Thrush-on-Cheeks resident Patsy Gibberish said that “it’s high time we were able to recall our MPs. The good name of Thrush-on-Cheeks has been besmirched by the selfish, sober actions of our Member of Parliament. We all remember our last MP, and how he fondled women’s bottoms and ran round the village square with his pants down. That’s what we expect, not this sober, pants-up, tie-wearing, carrot-juice-drinking crap.”

Von Rochester is expected to drink-drive back up to his constituency tomorrow where he will spend the entire day swilling port and whisky on the orders of Tory leader David Cameron, before launching himself face-first into the village pond wearing suspenders and a gas mask.

He told an undercover reporter: “That first cabinet meeting was a sham for the cameras. The real one took place later, and Osborne kept rapping my knuckles with his ruler. When I complained to Nick and Dave, they just looked away as if nothing had happened. All of a sudden, I felt really lost and alienated, and quite frankly, I didn’t want to be Osborne’s fag. But it’s a coalition, and it’s new politics, so I’m told I have to shut up and put up with it.”

Others have complained about tough woman Theresa May. One Liberal Democrat minister said that May “regularly rounds up Lib Dems from the corridors of Whitehall, locks them in a room and makes them sing ‘we love Theresa May’.” The new Home Secretary has been seen on several occasions with her ear cupped to the door, listening to the strains of ‘we love Theresa May’, as well as screams of ‘it’s dark in here, can someone let us out’ and ‘I think I’ve peed myself’.

One Lib Dem spoke of their collective fear of the drunken Liam Fox, who allegedly stalks the corridors of Whitehall at night with a bottle of gin in one hand, and his “Lib Dem whipping stick” in the other, looking for liberals to hit. “He’s the one who everyone’s really scared of,” admitted a junior minister. “Even the Tories run scared of Fox. I just wish I were in the Labour party right now, they all seem like the happiest losers in the world, and we’re being pushed and bullied around. I want to cry.”

There is hope, however, for Lib Dems. Insiders say that whenever Vince Cable is present, the bullying stops, and Conservative ministers behave impeccably. Mr Cable, when confronted with these reports, said “I don’t believe a word of it. Ever since the coalition started, the Conservatives have been lovely. They speak into my good ear, they help me across the road – frankly, I don’t see what the problem is.”

The last-minute decision to switch to a horse race was taken by current prime minister Gordon Brown after Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg proved more popular than sliced bread in a phone vote.

However, Brown is trying to divert attention away from rivals and towards the economy. Labour minister and manifesto architect Millie Headband said: “The economy is safe in our hands. We will be forcing bookmakers to pay all of their profits from the election race to the government. This money will be ring-fenced it to buy Greece and provide free holidays there for hard-working British families.”

Rules for the three-horse race are still being finalised but only the three main parties will be allowed to enter. The winner will be determined on a first-past-the-post basis. This has disappointed Liberal Democrats, who wanted an element of proportionality in the outcome. UKIP are reported to be furious at the decision to make it a three-horse race, claiming that Nigel Farage could have easily taken part, as he is half-horse himself on his mother’s side.

Lib Dem spokesman Lemsip Cableknit said: “We wanted the number of bets placed on each horse to be taken into account. As it stands, one horse can win despite gaining only a small proportion of the betting. That is patently unfair.”

SNP leader Alice Salmontickler is furious at being left out of the race: “Limiting the race to only three horses is an outrageous injustice typical of this London-centric policital system. We have perfectly good horses in Scotland. They keep leaving me out of everything and it just makes me want to cry.”

The Green Party has expressed disappointment at being left out of the running but has welcomed the radical move. Its leader, Carrie Online-Ludicrous, said: “We applaud putting sustainable transportation like horse riding centre stage. This race will have a lower carbon footprint than millions of voters travelling to polling booths, too.”

Conservatives have criticised the move to a three-horse race for not going far enough. “This is typical of the half-baked, opportunistic proposals we have come to expect from this government,” said Alexander St John  Spigginbottom, an aide to David Cameron. “Under a Conservative government, I can guarantee that future elections will be decided not by three horses, but lots of horses and lots of hounds pursuing whoever is the Lib Dem leader at the time.”

Leaflets will be distributed at sixth-form colleges and universities, encourage youngsters to “pop their Tory cherry” and vote Conservative this spring. In the leaflet, David Cameron explains that while it may hurt, and it may lead to alienation, estrangement and feelings of inadequacy, it’s an alternative to “giving yourself away to a dirty old Labour whore.”

He says: “Yes, you may feel like you’ve sold out, that you’ve betrayed the very principles of youth with what seems to amount to little more than political bum sex – but losing your Tory virginity at a young age is something I heartily recommend. It’s good for you. It’s good for the country. It’s good for all of us. Once those initial feelings of disgust have worn off, you’ll start to feel more confident about yourself, you’ll no longer care about petty things like how to re-integrate single mothers back into the workplace and you’ll have more of an affinity with shooting foxes.”

The leaftlet gives an illustrated step-by-step guide on preparing for the loss of your Tory virginity, including advice on how to hide a receding hairline, and fashion tips on how to wear pinstripe suits. It also gives advice on the type of laughter required to belittle the unemployed – a kind of sneering “hur hur hur” as opposed to a guffawing “ho ho ho”. The Tory Party have also set up an advice line for any “after the event” problems, ranging from emotional support to lessons on ‘Torification’.

Youngsters around the country are apparently preparing themselves for the loss of their Tory virginity, although there are still some who are yet to be swayed. Verity Pisshanks from Newcastle said that “it’s sort of weird, but they sent out an iPhone app and that almost convinced me. Most people lose their Tory virginity when they’re like 50 or something, so they’re asking a lot of us.”

The Association for Voting Purity (AVP) has labelled the campaign “revolting”, saying through its website “keep young voters pure and keep them away from these predatory Tories. Do we really all want to look like David Willetts? Our voting youngsters are too precious to risk their Tory virginity at such a young and tender age. Let them experiment with apathy, socialism, Lib Dems and the Green party before they throw it all away.”

UKIP, however, have backed the campaign, saying that it will hopefully lead to legislation lowering the UKIP voting age to 60. Nigel Faharaquaraharama, UKIP leader, told the Daily Shame that “the current legal voting age for UKIP is 80 and that’s hampering our progress. If the Tories can convince the under 50s to vote for them, we should be able to force some kind of legislation through parliament, shouldn’t we? What? We need MP’s for that? F-ck.”

The Cackbean family first noticed little Jeremy’s Tory leanings when, six months ago, he started leafing through the pages of toff magazine Horse and Hound. His father, Arnold, explained that every Saturday, the family went to the newsagents to get the morning papers, but this visit was particularly unusual: “He always goes for the comics – just like any normal child. But this time he went straight for the Horse & Hound. I panicked!”

The family, who are noticeably ideology-free, decided to seek counselling after Jeremy started sneering at single mothers in the street. “We have no idea how he can distinguish between single mothers and married women who are out on their own without their husband. But he does it. It’s amazing”, says Ida. “He took his dummy out of his mouth when he saw one and shouted ’scrounger’ at the top of his voice. That’s when I decided we had to seek help.”

Child psychologist Harding McParty said that it will be hard for Jeremy to fit in when he goes to school: “He’s already having problems at nursery, asking other children to bring in their parents’ payslips so he can compare. However, with patience and dedication, we’re convinced that he can become a normal child eventually.”

“The worry, of course, is that his Conservative tendencies branch out from the psychological to the physical,” explains McParty. “There are a handful of instances where young children under the age of 5 have gone extremely right-wing, and their hair has started to go oily, and recede.”

The Association for Idoleology-Free Parenting (AIFP) issued advice for parents who are worried that their children might be Tories, saying “gradually wean them off with some videos of Nick Clegg and Vince Cable – steer them into the middle ground, and they’ll eventually grow out of politics and grow into healthy, normal children.”

Little Jeremy, however, still has some way to go, despite his parents’ best efforts. He declined an interview with the Daily Shame, saying “in my day, you lot would have been rotting in jail. Now leave me to my CBeebies.”

The site gained notoriety when it welcomed David Cameron and held him hostage for 36 hours, force-feeding him rusks and formula. The Conservative leader was freed only when a squat team of Tory whips agreed to babysit while the mums went out to watch a Meryl Streep movie.

“It was gruesome”, said Charles Winstanley-Redbush, Conservative MP for Slackbutt Grove. “When we got there, we found him on an intraveinous drip filled with breast milk and they were all screaming like banshees. We knew that Mumsnet were taking this whole biscuit issue seriously, but we didn’t know just how far they would go.”

A shaken Gordon Brown revealed that when he met the mothers from Mumsnet, they held him in an armlock and smothered his face with organic manuka honey, screaming “tell us your favourite biscuit or you die.”

“I told them Bourbon biscuits”, said Brown, “but they didn’t believe me. It was as if I could give any answer and I’d be strung up by the balls. After what happened to David, I didn’t think I’d get out of there alive. The more biscuits I suggested, the less credible I guess my answer appeared.”

The declaration of independence from the Internet is a surprise move that has taken the rest of the Internet by surprise. Mumsnet leader FizzieLiz1969 released a statement early this morning declaring that “in order to create as much pressure as possible, we have detached ourselves from the Internet and will operate independently with our own language, html code and currency. We’ll even have our own flag. Made from organic fairtrade cotton, of course.”

Indeed, the issue of having their own language has long been a talking point on the forum, where members discuss in shorthand that is unintelligible to the rest of the world. For example, “OCB” is “Organic Carrot Bake”, and “child-hating bitch” translates to “woman who has a career”.

Geek forums, however, have declared themselves happy at the declaration of independence, saying “those mumsnet people scared the crap out of us”.

Mumsnet was originally created as a site for mothers to share information and advice. Today, its members meet in Boden balaclavas and babies are hardly ever on the agenda.

One mother who escaped the Mumsnet “net” told the Daily Shame in secret that “they’re the Boden guerillas. I once suggested that we buy non-organic fruit for the meetings and they decided to shun me for a week. It was as if I didn’t exist. And one mother was hounded out after they discovered that her husband earned less than £50,000. Brutal, just brutal.”

“This is just a natural step”, said Cameron this morning on BBC Breakfast. “We have to reflect the changing state of the nation and the name ‘Conservative’ is not something we wanted to bring into the 21st century.”

When questioned that he was simply trying to pull off a marketing stunt by making people forget about recent controversies concerning members of the Conservative party, he went white and said “Absolutely not. They’re all Camerons now.”

The Conservative Party has been rocked by scandal recently, with senior Tory David Willets allegedly found sucking the blood out of a mouse behind his bins at his local constituency mansion. Oliver Letwin was today playing down claims that he would, if elected, force single mothers to hand over their salaries for a new “single mother punishment” centre.

Zac Goldsmith is today playing down suggestions that he has been seen at old peoples’ homes pointing and laughing, shouting “look at you fogies. Chortle chortle chortle.”

“This is all baloney”, said Cameron. “These are good, honest, hard-working people who are doing all they can for the future of the country. So the MP for Gutborough South, Edwyn Hoggbottom-Smythe has just shot a gypsy in the backside. So what? He pays his taxes – well, some of them.”