The report published today, entitled “Polar Bears are telling lies about climate change”, highlights the lengths polar bears will go to convince us of global warming. Researchers discovered one polar bear whose application for an iceberg extension was repeatedly turned down by the authorities, and consequently posed in a number of photographs looking sad and forlorn for National Geographic magazine. The polar bear, known as “Pete”, is alleged to have received huge payments from National Geographic and climate change activists.

“This Pete character has been taking payments from a number of sources,” claimed Murdoch, “most notably a shady bunch of climate change ‘activists’ who want us to believe that the ice caps are actually melting. Pete lives on a huge iceberg just north of Canada, and he’s been applying for an extension for years.”

“In short,” he continued, “these polar bears are taking the mickey out of us. They try to look all cute and cuddly, but when we approached Pete for a statement, he turned on us and severely mauled one of our junior researchers who is still in a critical condition. So, you see – not only are they crafty, but they’re malicious, too.”

In an apparent riposte to the report, the group “Polar Bears For Change” (PBFC) issued its own report highlighting the plight of the Polar Bear. PBFC’s Chief Bear, Dave, told the Daily Shame: “I remember the good old days when I was growing up, there was ice everywhere. They were great days. My parents had a massive iceberg just off Norway – they saved up for years, and now there’s next to nothing left of it. Nowadays, a Polar Bear considers himself lucky if he’s got 50 square metres of ice and a couple of plates of fish a day, and all those Polar Bears who invested in the good days are all in negative equity. Look at these pictures of really sad bears. Look at them. Look really hard.”

“At the time, we thought it was all true”, admitted Rohan Pachauri, now aged 32 and living in Mumbai. “He used to tell us that if we didn’t wash behind our ears properly, potatoes would grow there. My brother and I, we just panicked and scrubbed behind our ears every day. Now I’m seeing parallels and quite frankly, I don’t believe my father’s work on global warming at all. If he tells us about the potatoes and everyone else about glaciers, who’s to say what’s true and what’s not?”

“I still scrub behind my ears every day, and I’m still afraid of the potatoes”, he added.

The lies were thought to have started at the birth of first child, Brian. Mrs Pachauri was initially skeptical over whether the lies were of any value, but says that she just “went along with it all” because he was such a dominate figure: “He started telling the children all these things about the tooth fairy and the monster in the cupboard. I thought – what the hell – he’s the man in the family and he’s doing all this hard work. Our children are so scarred now.”

Older brother Brian said that he may never trust his father again: “He told us that the monster in the cupboard would come and eat us if we didn’t go to sleep. Basically, we could have done anything we liked and got away with it, but Pop hoodwinked us. He used to tell us that if we pulled a face and the wind changed direction, our faces would stay like that – well, I’ve never known it to be proven true. I tried it a few times when I was about 19 or 20, and it didn’t happen.”

A spokesman for Mr Pachauri said that the warnings were, at the time, perfectly valid. “Mr Pachauri stands behinds all of the warnings he gave his children,” he told reporters. “There was a monster in the cupboard, your face does stay that way if the wind changes, the tooth fairy’s rates are perfectly fair, and yes, if you eat your crusts, your hair will turn curly. Mr Pachauri has carried out painstaking research into these warnings, and has the scientific proof to back them up. Got a problem with that?”

“Just one of her outfits produces more carbon emissions than a flight from Helsinki to Vancouver”, said leading scientist Ralph Quornbake, who has spent the last six months watching nothing but Lady Gaga videos. “In fact, all this talk of climate change coincides rather neatly with the ascendancy of this miniature pop star. Have you seen the amount of plastic that goes into making just one outfit? That’ll just end up in China in a junk yard with the rest of her clothes.”

“In short, Lady Gaga is perhaps the most dangerous thing on the planet right now, short of a major earthquake or tsunami.”

Lady Gaga, who was unavailable for comment, allegedly ships all of her discarded outfits on a tanker to China where they are hacked up and left to rot, producing dangerous greenhouse damages. As many of them are non-biodegradable, they will cause the planet irreperable damage. Chinese children play on the “Gaga Wastelands”, as they are now known, and can be found playing games with radioactive shoulder-pads, and hide-and-seek in a pair of boots.

Indeed, the phenomenon in China has reached such proportions that crack squads of highly trained professionals are being called in to defuse items of her clothing. Fi Lin Xiq of the Gaga Response Unit (GRU) heads a team of Gaga Disposal Experts in Shanghai, and told the Daily Shame that “last week, we found a pair of knickers that had such a magnetic force on them, they were pulling in cutlery from 20 miles away. It was quite a scene, with knives and forks and spoons flying from all directions. Why didn’t we just stick to bamboo chopsticks instead of this westernised cutlery rubbish?”

Quornbake concluded that there is hope: “There are solutions for Lady Gaga – at least on this issue. She could have her clothes broken up and recycled. For example, we’ve found that one outfit alone could provide twenty African children with shelter, and the firework nipples could provide warmth for the homeless people on the streets of London. All she has to do is think outside the box.”

A spokesman for Lady Gaga said that they were looking into ways of rationalising her outfits, but countered that “we employ over 500 people just to create one outfit – just think about the boost that’s giving to the economy. Has anyone mentioned that? All of these people that would be scrubbing around on the floor looking for pennies in desperation and we’re giving them good, honest work.”