Nurse Maria Colostomy told the Daily Shame: “There’s no way I’m treating that fuckwit.”

She continued: “Last time he was in hospital, half of the staff resigned. The man’s not necessarily evil, per se, you know – he’s not Satan or anything, but there’s just something dislikeable about the turdbag.”

Indeed, Ashley Cole’s last injury resulted in walk-outs as staff refused to treat the Chelsea millionaire.

Colostomy continued: “He kept ringing the bell and ringing the bell, complaining that his hospital bed wasn’t made of solid gold and that his sheets weren’t pure Burberry. I mean, what can we do? When Cheryl came round to bring him some grapes, he threw them back in her face because they weren’t seedless. I do feel sorry for her.”

Those at the hospital who are refused absence leave will be given access to a special employee support line dedicated to those who have had to treat Ashley Cole.

NHS Manager Trevor Bedwetter told reporters that “we will do all we can to look after our staff in these desperate times. Last night, while watching the Chelsea game, I was praying hard for Ashley to be OK, and when he limped off the ground, I thought – well, part of me is pleased, but the other part of me is saying – heck, there’s going to be hell to pay at work tomorrow.”

Children at the hospital have been given guidance leaflets on what to do if approached by Ashley Cole. The illustrated guides show children where to hide if sufficient warning is given. If no warning is given of an Ashley Cole visit, the children are instructed to say as little as possible and hand over all their money.

“It’s the least we can do,” explained Bedwetter. “We know it won’t be easy, but at least this time we’re prepared for him, and we’re going to work extra hard to sort his ankle out really really quickly.”

“I was stupid”, admitted the rather stupid Chelsea defender. “But I just love playing Fantasy WAGS League. I’m now bottom of the league because you lose 100 points when you get found out! I’m so annoyed.”

Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti is believed to be “rather miffed” that his captain has blown the lid on what appears to be a complex network of leagues that was believed to have been started by Eric Cantona, whose penchant for bedding colleagues’ wives reached such epic proportions that he started a league that only he could win.

“It was great at the start”, explained the French footballer-turned-actor. “You got 10 points for sleeping with a wag, 20 points if she was photographed in public, and 50 points if she got dumped by her boyfriend. You got 75 points if you got her to leave her boyfriend, but as soon as she started going out with you, you didn’t get any points from her activity. In France, we call it day-to-day life, but in England, it’s really good fun.”

One of John Terry’s teammates told the Daily Shame that “John was doing so well – he was in a play-off place in fact. He’d been racking up points for knocking up a couple of WAGs who had got their knockers out for Nuts – you get 10 points per nipple and 5 points for every photo in their skimpies. But he’s fecked this one up big time. Which is great, cos it means I’m top of the league!”

The mini-leagues are apparently very popular with footballers all around the country, although Manchester United’s Gary Neville is believed to be “indignant” at never having scored a single point.