Voice of Vorderman: I’m disgusted by the way that delightful young X-Factor star Gamu Nhengu is being treated. The government has to step in and sort this situation out – there’s a clear dividing line between benefit-scrounging immigrants who can sing, and benefit-scrounging immigrants who can’t sing, and this needs to be enshrined in law – quickly.

What right does the Home Office have to refuse Gamu and her family a visa? Don’t they know how important she is to a Saturday night entertainment show and therefore to the nation? It’s an apalling situation. They should be refusing visas to those immigrants who can’t sing!

We’ve got far too many benefit-scrounging, job-stealing, lazy immigrants in this country of ours, and it’s full to bursting – so we need to pick and choose the immigrants we want to keep. Getting rid of Gamu Nhengu and her family is just wrong, and Cheryl Cole knows it. We need to keep hold of the immigrants that we like, and get rid of the ones we don’t like. If the girl can perform, let’s keep her, as she’ll increase advertising revenue for ITV, bringing more money to our flailing economy. You see, it even makes economic sense.

In fact, I’d be happy to see an X-Factor style audition for our illegal immigrants, and I’d be glad to sit on the judge’s panel alongside Simon Cowell and Lord Beelzebub himself. Anyone without a visa – and I don’t care whether it’s a technicality or not – would have to sing a Whitney Houston song to be allowed to stay in the country. Not only would it help reduce our immigrant burden, but it could also be a great money-spinner! Imagine, at the end of the series, an album could be produced, which would pay for their air fares back to Africa or wherever they came from. With telephone voting, there would be plenty of money in the coffers to help build a giant wall around our country, to stop further immigrants from getting in. It would also give our benefit-scrouging, job-shy, thieving immigrants a chance to prove themselves, and restore their self-esteem.

In future, a points system should be introduced to decide whether an immigrant, an asylum seeker or whatever, can get into the country. This could be decided on national television, with a voting system based on looks, desirability, cuteness, voice and ability to pull the nation’s heartstrings.

Are you an illegal immigrant? Can you sing? Contact us here at the Daily Shame!

Of course, this is not really the writing of Carol Vorderman – we’d never let her write for us.

I propose that each and every foreign spouse, in fact, each and every foreigner that comes to the UK – and I include those that call themselves “European”, despite only having a tenuous hold on that particular title – should embody the spirit of Princess Diana. What greater way of understanding what it means to be British, and what it means to live in this great country of ours?

Wouldn’t it be a better Britain if the foreigners we let through our already porous gates were in tune with the wishes and the ethos of Diana? If every Polish plumber and Latvian kerb-crawler understood what Diana meant to each and every one of us, there would be no crime and the skies would never rain.

Every foreigner who lands on British soil should be held at immigration and assessed as to what extent they embody Diana’s spirit. This should be in the form of random questionning by customs officials, who naturally embody Diana’s spirit anyway, and then through a written essay of at least 1,000 words explaining exactly how they intend to carry the torch of Diana’s love throughout their stay in the UK. Those who fail to adequately explain Diana’s spirit will be forced to return to their own country – regardless of whether they’d be tortured or not.

There must also be regular checks on whether immigrants in this country are respecting the wishes of the late Princess of Wales. In this instance, the medium Derek Acorah can hold regular seances so that we can get in touch with the spirit of Princess Diana, and she can inform us of which immigrants are failing to embody her spirit. Immigrants should also be made to write poems to Diana’s memory on a regular basis, so that they remain in tune with her spirit. Those who fail to submit at least 20 lines of poetry a year will be subject to even more rigorous checks.

This is what she would have wanted, and it will make the UK a safer, nicer place, in which the life of Princess Diana is cherished and respected by everyone. Diana did not want hoodlums cluttering up our streets, and she definitely did not want benefits spongers turning the white cliffs of Dover a lurid shade of yellow with their rancid piss.

Disclaimer: This is not really Carol Vorderman writing for the Daily Shame. We’d never let that rabid woman write for us in reality. Thanks, but no thanks, Carol.

Voice of Vorderman

I don’t know about you, but this whole Jon Venables “still being alive” thing really makes me sick. We should have hanged him years ago alongside Gary Glitter and all those paediatricians from Portsmouth, and even that’s too good for them. The idea that we – the taxpayers – are funding his lavish lifestyle in prison, makes me boil with rage.

I want to know everything about Jon Venables so that we’re all safe from this monster. I want a camera fitted to his head so that we can see every little detail of his life – in fact, I hear that they can read thoughts now, so I think scientists should be scanning his mind for any signs of monstrosity. The minute they find the slightest bad thought, he should be confined to solitary, and the key should be thrown away.

Jon Venables’ life should be documented to the last detail, so that every single one of us can sleep safely in our beds – I’d be happy to pay someone 20 grand a year to sit and record everything, from what he eats for breakfast to the size of his stools to the TV programmes he watches, to the number of times he scratches his evil head. We have a right to know everything – and it should be made public either on a website or in The Sun – on a daily basis. Call it Big Brother if you want, but it’s our responsibility as crazed, reactionary loons to keep this monster away from us for as long as possible.

And it’s not just Venables, it’s every paedophile, every murderer and every Guardian reader that should be tracked, documented and never, ever rehabilitated into society. We have a right to know just what they’re doing – at all times of day. If there were a “national vile monster warning system”, which is what I’ve proposed to the government only this week, then our children would always be safe. The government could raise the alert to red every time a paedophile or a murderer were to come within, say, a mile of a decent human being. If Jon Venables goes to the toilet – we have a right to know, because he could be plotting his escape down the pipes.

Of course, Ed Balls and Gordon Slackjaw Brown don’t want this – they think he should be let free into society for some bizarre reason, along with all the other paedophiles, murderers, rapists and liberals. In their minds, they seem to be creating some kind of monster utopia, where decent taxpayers like you and me are preyed upon and robbed senseless. They talk about this thing called rehabilitation, but what is that, if it’s not pouring our tax pounds down the toilet – Jon Venables’ toilet!

Disclaimer: Of course, we do not endorse the views of Vorderman, nor did she actually write for us. We’d never allow her to do such a thing.

The Voice of Vorderman: Residents of Camberley are right – there should be no Mosque in their town! This is yet another example of Broken Britain – where asylum seekers and Muslims can just waltz in, knock down our beautiful Victorian buildings and build their own spaceship buildings which have absolutely no style whatsoever.

I was sickened when I learned that they wanted to knock down a beautiful Victorian school and replace it with a hideous “Mosque”. And what is a Mosque anyway? Is it a place of worship or is it a Trojan horse for warfare, hatred and even more asylum seekers in our back gardens, eating our sandwiches, stealing our benefits and laughing at us in an evil manner going “haw haw haw” as if they’ve got the system cracked and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Back in my day, a Victorian building like that was something to be treasured. In places like Camberley, you could wander down the road with the vicar, have a cup of tea with some youths and never even have to think to yourself “hey, did I leave the door unlocked? Of course I did, it’s fucking safe round here and there’s no foreigners to nick my wallet or rob me to death.”

There was once a day of green pastures and church bells, and the sound of willow hitting leather. Now it’s a day of green mosques, hollering for prayers and the sound of a rusty nail being banged into the coffin of Great Britain.

Now it’s full of foreigners and such like and I tell you what, I don’t like it one bit. I reckon this Mosque is just phase one in their plan to take over Camberley and Muslimise it completely, from top to bottom. Is that a word? Well it should be, because that’s what’s happening to our once great country.

Phase two is going to be the stockading of arms. They’re coming to get us, people, you should know it now. Just like Iran, this Mosque is going to go nuclear, and hey – they don’t care who they’re taking down with them. They’ll be doing their Friday prayers one minute and blitzing us to bits the next – just you watch them.

I bet they’re in with that Mamoud Ah’m a dinner-jad or whatever his name is. That fella from Iran who’s going to bomb everyone. Well, that’ll be where they’re getting their nuclear weapons from. Phase 3 is to replace all of Britain’s churches and Victorian schools with mosques, and phase 4 is no doubt to have us all enslaved.

That’s the future, folks. We might as well just move to America, except that it’s full of Mexicans sponging off them.

The “Voice of Vorderman” in no way represents the views of the editorial team here at The Daily Shame, by the way, we’re just giving her a chance to have her say after that sterling performance on Question Time.

Bray resident Tamara Rugby-Swithens said that she was “almost taken in” by the fake Vorderman. “She came to the door and showed us these huge teeth and this big head of hair. I was really impressed and then she started trying to sell me insurance. Any kind of insurance, really. She didn’t mind which. But then I started to suspect something when her accent slipped, so I shut the door.”

Police have warned residents that the bogus Vorderman could strike at any time, and has already conned a number of people into buying insurance that doesn’t exist.

PC Armrest-Jones of the Maidenhead Police told the Daily Shame: “This is a real shame for the real Carol Vorderman – how is she expected to go about her business of hawking insurance and credit cards? If you suspect that you’re faced with a fake Carol Vorderman, though, there are ways of determining whether she’s real or not.

“First of all, ask her a maths question – and be prepared in advance with the answer. The real one will ace it – no problem. Secondly, count her teeth. The real one has 53 – a very high number – but it’s something that separates her from everyone else.”