Juniper Merdeboite, Head of the BBC Trust, said that “many of the BBC’s radio output fails to reflect multicultural Britain. The Asian network is a case in point, failing to acknowledge Britain’s burgeoning white, middle class audience. The suggestions we have laid out should make the BBC a much more welcoming place for everyone.”

Not everyone, however, agrees with the suggestions made by the Trust, which include an Archers crossover special called “Da Archers”, and a new show hosted by Andrew Marr called “Da Today Programme Innit”. Radio 4 listener Marjorie Moyenne said “I like gangsta rap and troll metal as much as any 50-year-old Berkshire-dwelling housewife, but I don’t want to hear John Humphries duetting with Tinie Tempah. I don’t think I’ll ever listen to the Asian network, no matter how much they want me to tune in.”

Asian Network DJ Tariq “Bonzo” Jones, told the Daily Shame that he would quit if proposals to turn his “Bangla Dance Massive” show into “Bangla Gardener’s Hour” went ahead.

“I don’t know nuffink about gardening, innit. I mean, I don’t even has a garden. Well, my Dad has. But I don’t even have a window box. I play massive music innit, I ain’t growin’ azaleas or whatever it is. This BBC Trust is well up its own ass.”

Radio 4 presenter Smithby Smithson-Smythe, however, said that he is looking forward to joining DJ Bonzo in the studio for what he calls a “stimulating hour of bangla, lawn care and rose pruning”, adding “I’ve been listening to Bangla Dance Massive for the last two years – I have no idea what the BBC Trust is on about – it’s one of the best shows on the radio. I can’t wait to bring my gardening expertise to the show.”

The report equally slams BBC Radio 6 for not doing enough to attract Phil Collins fans, and BBC Radio 3 for failing to attract enough people who don’t like classical music.

A beta version of the new John Humphrys software was run in secret just after the general election. Tests proved so successful that John Humphrys 2.0 has now gone live, six weeks ahead of schedule.

John Humphrys 2.0 addresses various bugs, including the conversation sequencing problem that caused the presenter to interrupt interviewees repeatedly and for no apparent reason. It has also removed the involuntary Humphrys tut upon hearing the words ‘Twitter’ and ‘Facebook’.

The new software is still more clunky than the program run on the Twitter-compatible Evan Davies platform. However, John Humphrys 2.0 is now quicker than James Naughtie 2.1.8, which is scheduled for a patch update to fix the overly long question bug and purple prose issue.

Listeners to the Today programme are said to have noticed the mellower attitude of Humphrys 2.0. BBC IT boss Rom MacReboot said: “The old Humphrys tended to overheat quite quickly, so his interviewing technique tended to generate more heat than light. Now, with the installation of LEDs and revised software, his heat-light balance has been recalibrated.”

Humphrys’ lexicon has also been updated to include common management phrases such as ‘going forward’ and ‘stakeholder’. As a result, he no longer has to bark “But what does that mean?” when business leaders use irritating but well-known workplace phrases. Despite this, Humphrys 2.0 still finds the advanced management-speak of BBC director general Mark Thompson “baffling and impenetrable”. The digital Justin World-Wide-Webb platform has been reprogrammed to decode Thompson’s comments for Humphrys – and the world generally.

One other glitch remains, said Rom MacReboot:  “The John Humphrys platform is still unable to support a mobile phone interface. So his mobile communication needs will continue to be met by a loud hailer and, in quiet carriages, semaphore. But John Humphrys is a very robust platform – they don’t build them like that any more – and we’re pleased the upgrade has extended this analogue platform’s working capability further into the digital 24-hour news age.”

The Humphrys 2.0 upgrade was carried out using techniques pioneered by the IT team that supported HRH The Queen Mother, whose platform was finally dismantled after her catalogue B leaf tree nodes suffered a fatal gin spillage.

John Humphrys’ real first name is Desmond. He is 112.

“I think it’s safe to say that all three of us have won tonight,” said Gordon Brown, smiling like a lunatic. “There are no losers here today. We’re all winners, and we all did really well. In fact, after the show, I made sure that Nick, David and myself all received equal prizes of equal size and value, so that nobody feels under-appreciated or under-valued.”

“I also made sure that I shook hands with both of them for an equal amount of time so that not only is it fair, but everyone feels like a winner.”

Most experts agree that Gordon Brown actually lost the debate, having forgotten his microphone was on at one point and mumbling “you’re all c-nts” to the audience.

Most experts thought that his opening line: “This is a hard job, and yes, I know I’m a twat,” was inappropriate. A visibly grumpy Brown continued to murmur to himself, insulting members of the audience for their bad hair or ugly faces. David Cameron, however, was seen making faces at Nick Clegg, while the Liberal Democrat leader was automatically deducted 20 points by the Murdoch Institute for Truth.

David Dimbleby offered a goodie bag to each leader, and ensured that each goodie bag had an equal number of sweets in them.

“They’re all winners,” he beamed. “Except, perhaps for Gordon. He was shit again. I just wanted to ensure that Gordon didn’t feel too bad about looking stupid. It’s just a shame that we can’t do the same for him next week.”

“It would have been great telly”, said Underarm-West. “Originally Jonathan was up for it, so long as we doubled his salary from £18m to £36m, which we were more than willing to do. But then we found out that we didn’t even have the £18m so we asked him to do it without the pay rise.”

Ross’s advisers worked night and day to reach a compromise with the BBC, asking the BBC if they could replace “semi-naked” with “wearing a suit”, “flogged” with “congratulated” and “pulling a cart full of manure” to “talking to C-list celebrities”. However, Underarm-West would not shift on the flogging aspect: “It’s something everyone would want to see”, he said. “What else do we pay our licence fee for?”

A spokesman for Ross said that the plans were “just not going to work”, adding “Jonathan was very ill at ease with the cart full of manure idea. It’s been done before, and the BBC were even considering weighing the cart down with his guests. Fine, but what if he’s interviewing Johnny Vegas? Yes, a public flogging would raise Jonathan’s profile, but would it further his career talking inane crap with celebrities who are trying to promote their own crap? Not at all.”

This was not the BBC’s first idea, either. They had previously mooted making a pilot of “Let’s Spit at Jonathan Ross”, an elimination-style gameshow to be shown on Saturday nights in which celebrities pair up with members of the public to spit at Jonathan Ross, having rejected the idea of filming a duel between Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross as it “didn’t have legs”.