Nigel Nerdlinger from Surrey said that he was “visibly shaking”, and admitted that “I might not have much of a chance, but I tell you what – when I heard she was leaving Ashley, I thought – maybe my chance has come? Perhaps this time she doesn’t really want a bastard with a six pack, and she’s looking for a bit of stability. Well, she’ll get that with me. I haven’t left my bedroom in my parents’ house for six years, so I’m very stable.”

Nerdlinger is just one of many geeks whose hopes have been raised by the not very surprising separation.

“She’s amazing,” said Eric Joystick from Oxfordshire. “I wouldn’t normally date a Geordie girl – or any girl, for that matter, but now that I know she’s on the market, I’ve started wearing Lynx deodorant just in case. You never do know. I’ve got a great future in IT ahead of me, so I’ll be financially viable soon. I just hope she can see the potential in me!”

Nerd forums have been buzzing with anticipation – and some jostling – as acne-ridden youngsters fight for Cheryl supremacy. Over at ilovecheryl.com, users have challenged each other to a World of Warcraft Battle for Cheryl. The winner will be given “first dibs” on the X Factor diva, while second and third places wait anxiously in the wings for any signs of failure. Already, spells have been cast and one Warlock has been expelled from the game for cheating, indicating that nerds are willing to “play dirty” to win the hand of the former Miss Tweedy.

The website nerdsforcheryltweedy.net has gone a step further by organising a chess competition, with the winner being given a free X Factor Live ticket to “get close” to Cheryl, as well as the permission from the other competitors to “talk to her if you can”. Forum administrator Cherylfannumba1 said “I’ve been playing with my pawn and bishop all week after hearing about Cheryl’s separation.”

A spokesman for Cheryl Cole, however, said that they may find themselves disappointed: “Cheryl has many admirers, it’s true – but what they have to realise is that Cheryl wants to be treated like shit by a bloke, and none of these nerds have it in them. What really butters Cheryl’s muffin is a man who acts like a complete cock. Someone who’s a real twat, deep down. A cunt, if you will. Someone who thinks women should be catapulted back to the pre-suffragette days.

“We all thought Ashley was perfect, but then you can be too much of a cock, can’t you.”

Nurse Maria Colostomy told the Daily Shame: “There’s no way I’m treating that fuckwit.”

She continued: “Last time he was in hospital, half of the staff resigned. The man’s not necessarily evil, per se, you know – he’s not Satan or anything, but there’s just something dislikeable about the turdbag.”

Indeed, Ashley Cole’s last injury resulted in walk-outs as staff refused to treat the Chelsea millionaire.

Colostomy continued: “He kept ringing the bell and ringing the bell, complaining that his hospital bed wasn’t made of solid gold and that his sheets weren’t pure Burberry. I mean, what can we do? When Cheryl came round to bring him some grapes, he threw them back in her face because they weren’t seedless. I do feel sorry for her.”

Those at the hospital who are refused absence leave will be given access to a special employee support line dedicated to those who have had to treat Ashley Cole.

NHS Manager Trevor Bedwetter told reporters that “we will do all we can to look after our staff in these desperate times. Last night, while watching the Chelsea game, I was praying hard for Ashley to be OK, and when he limped off the ground, I thought – well, part of me is pleased, but the other part of me is saying – heck, there’s going to be hell to pay at work tomorrow.”

Children at the hospital have been given guidance leaflets on what to do if approached by Ashley Cole. The illustrated guides show children where to hide if sufficient warning is given. If no warning is given of an Ashley Cole visit, the children are instructed to say as little as possible and hand over all their money.

“It’s the least we can do,” explained Bedwetter. “We know it won’t be easy, but at least this time we’re prepared for him, and we’re going to work extra hard to sort his ankle out really really quickly.”