Dear iConsumers,

It has come to our attention that many of you are worried about our use of 5-year-old children in Asian sweatshops. It is only natural that you should be concerned about our labour practices, and especially the regulations concerning our sweatshops in East Asia, notably Vietnam, Laos and a few other places we can’t quite remember right now.

I would like to reassure all iConsumers that all of the children working in our sweatshops have been trained rigorously, and that no stone has been left unturned in our quest to find the hardest-working toddlers in the Far East. We have put together a training programme that ensures your iPhones and iPads will be produced to the highest quality, and seek to guarantee our customers that quality measures have been implemented in each and every sweatshop.

For example, our sweatshop in Ho Chi Min City has implemented a Six Sigma process, which has helped extend the childrens’ working hours from 20 hours to 22 hours per day. Our sweatshop in Panang has implemented a system which reduces the number of hours’ daylight a child has access to, improving their productivity by 6% and increasing the number of iPhones produced at that particular sweatshop by 3%.

All across our sweatshops in Thailand, we have withheld payment from our toddlers, and have instead offered them biscuits and sweets, which cost Apple less and have, in fact, increased productivity and engagement to such levels that the children never stop work. After 72 hours, each toddler receives a biscuit and a glass of water, which doctors say is the minimum required to produce an iPhone. And yes, to maintain production levels, we ensure that the biscuit and water break lasts no more than five minutes.

These are just some of the ways we have modified out sweatshop procedures to help you, the customer, so that you can get your iPhone on time, and in full working order. Should you have any complaints over the standard of your iPhone or iPad, please phone our “Sweatshop Complaints” helpline, and we will be able to pinpoint exactly which toddler made the manufacturing mistake and have them shot.

Disclaimer: This isn’t actually from Apple, you know. It’s satire and none of it is true. So if you’re from Apple, hello!

App developer Simon Nerdlinger unveiled his creation at a glitzy ceremony in his bedroom / living room in Watling. “It’s going to revolutionise how sweatshops work,” he beamed. “Before, a sweatshop owner would have to think to himself – hey, this 5-year-old is working 72 hours a week, but the truth is, I can make him work 80, maybe 90. That’s just how good the app is.”

“Basically, he just keys in the age of the worker, the job role – you know, which could be welding on parts, it could be fetching tea, it could be stitching together those fancy little iPod pouches – and the app tells him how many hours a week the child can work before falling over through exhaustion. It’s brilliant – what’s more, you can shake it and there’s a little image of an infant sweatshop worker falling from his seat through tiredness. Hilarious! I laughed my arse off designing that.”

The app can also be used to prod slacking children, as it emits a small electric shock as it vibrates. Factory managers can approach the child and startle them back into productive mode. An additional feature also helps managers calculate which children are not pulling their weight – a complicated formula that Nerdlinger admits took him several weeks to write:

“You have to think about so many variables – the product being made, the hours already worked in the week, the child’s motivation, i.e. how much is he earning – you just pop all that information into the handy little calculator and it can say that, for example, little Li Bong Wong or whatever he’s called, he’s working at 80% capacity, and Wang Mung Bung or whatever, he’s working at 50% capacity. So really, it’s a great little efficiency tool for all of Apple’s suppliers.”

Adoring Apple fans all gathered round to get a sniff of Jobs’ new iShit, and thousands have already registered online to get their own portable Turd, priced roughly between $399 and $599 depending on consistency and size. “I’ve been working on the iShit for several weeks now,” said Jobs. “With our technicians, we have been working out diet, timings, and other factors such as mood, which have an influence on the defecation I produce.”

He continued: “Bill Gates has never produced a stool this shiny – his last one was stodgy and frankly it had nowhere near the gloss and sheen of the iShit.”

Indeed, Windows have been lagging behind in production, and their Windows Pooh V7 is approximately six months away. Beta testers have described it as “lacking a certain je ne sais quoi” and “really hard to get your head around.” One user testing forum member, freewilly85, wrote “It’s OK – much better than Windows Pooh v6.5 – but what’s the point? What does it do? Why did they produce it? I see no reason for getting one.”

A campaign has already been launched asking Windows users to host “Pooh V7 parties”, although take-up has been “really crap”, joked one Windows insider.

Apple advocates around the world have been filling web forums with adoring comments such as “I cant w8 to get mi handz on da iShit” and “wow lol how can i get one ov thoze? is mega.” At the unveiling of the iShit, Apple Fanclub member Stephanie Facetious was filled with a sense of wonder: “It was an amazing display. I mean, they’ve been brewing up something massive for weeks and the rumours on the net were circling that it was an iPiss or something like that.”

She revealed: “When Steve strode out onto the stage, we all knew something amazing was going to happen because he pulled down his pants and – well, you can guess the rest. I love Apple so much, I gave up on God and baseball.”