Parents’ groups have reacted angrily to the campaign which aims to encourage children to eat Coco Pops for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Mumsnet declared war on Kelloggs last week after it was revealed that Coco Pops were not organic. A spokesmum for the renegade website said “Anyone who tries to force our offspring to eat anything other than Organic Carrot Bake – and I mean you, Kelloggs – will die a horrible death.” Officials from Kellogs are said to be avoiding “all women over 30 who look slightly middle class”, including their own wives.

The campaign asks children simple questions such as “have you thought of eating Coco Pops in your sleep?” and “why aren’t you eating Coco Pops now you little runts?” Children are then bombarded with leaflets saying “If you aren’t eating Coco Pops, you’re gay” and the company is thought to have recruited a number of “Coco Pops Ambassadors” who infiltrate local schools and force-feed the chocolately breakfast snack to reticent children.

Some teachers have registered complaints after seeing shifty looking men hanging around outside the school gates with a box of Coco Pops under their arm, attempting to persuade children to have a mouthful. “Frankly,” said one teacher, “I’d rather they had Islamist fundamentalists hanging around the school gates looking dodgy. These guys give me the creeps.”

The aggressive approach is the brainchild of Marketing Agency “Fockwits of London”, whose MD Eric Cockbrunt says “there is nothing predatory about our advertising – we’re simply trying to replace normal foodstuffs with Coco Pops. Did you know that a bowl of Coco Pops can go towards one of your five a day? Five portions of Coco Pops a day, that is. Hahahaha. Did you see what I did there?”

The shitbag continued: “Listen, there’s nothing unhealthy about Coco Pops – all you have to do is redraw the battle lines. What does healthy actually mean? Does it mean sitting around on your arse playing video games while your waistline expands exponentially? If so – then yes, it’s healthy food. It’s all about definitions. You know, in Scotland, the government is actively promoting the use of Coco Pops as part of a healthier diet. They even deep-fry them, which is something we’re thinking of introducing south of the border to break into the developing ‘really obese market’.”

Kelloggs issued a statement last night saying that it was “proud” of those children who had taken up the Coco Pops challenge: “We at Kelloggs are proud of those children who have picked up the gauntlet and switched from real food to Coco Pops. We look down on them adoringly as they slouch in front of their Nintendos, and all we ask of them is that they continue to eat nothing but Coco Pops.”

Analysts claim that the advert has been a massive own goal for the government whose sole aim was to promote usage of the government website portal. “Using the head of Christopher Biggins might have seemed a good idea at the time, but they clearly did not think through the possible consequences. The only worse alternative I can think of is Michael Winner.”, said web analyst Warren Tremendous. “We are now faced with a drop in birth rates as a result of people being put off procreation. That’s how serious this is.”

Complaints have flooded into government officials’ inboxes, and they have promised to set up an “investigation” and an “inquiry” within the next decade, which is the quickest they can do because of “some other shit” they have to do. “Basically, we accept that the head thing was wrong”, said a spokesperson for the government. “Christopher Biggins was wrong. Everything was wrong. What the f-ck do you want us to do? Huh?”

One of the most vociferous calls against the direct.gov advert came from the Anti Christopher Biggins Society, PantNo, whose founder and CEO Eric Landscape-Piscine said: “When I saw this, I puked all over my shoes and couldn’t sleep for a week. For many years, we have been campaigning – successfully – to limit the appearances of Biggins on television and to restrict him to pantomime where his effect is almost nullified. And now this happens. Jesus. All that hard work, undone in one stupid advertising cock-up.”

“What they clearly haven’t understood is what Christopher Biggins means to the British people. Shock, horror, and disgust.”

“It’s absolutely disgraceful” said Hugo Whipping-Horse, a spokesman for the Advertising Standards Agency (ASA). “We were ourselves reviewing the adverts when we found ourselves irrationally wanting to stuff ourselves with ready meals that contained 60% of our daily salt and fat intake. My colleague just ate three packs of mince pies and has doubled his body weight in just an hour. We felt compelled to look into it.”

In just one frame of the advert, Stephen Fry can be seen stuffing his face with a scotch egg that contained four times the fat usually found in a large goose. However, the most horrifying scene comes when Joanna Lumley, played backwards, demands viewers to worship “the dark Lord Satan” and to “burn virgins on the heath tonight”.

“I thought there was a problem,”, added Whipping-Horse, “when I suddenly started lighting matches after the third viewing. That’s why we played it backwards and you hear Lumley telling us to bow down to Beelzebub. At one point, you can even see her eyes flash red. But only if you watch it backwards.”