Aishwarya Rai gets fat shocka

Phwooooooar Aishwarya Rai, she’s a hottie isn’t she. Yeah, let’s all ogle her.

<gets the Google out… starts typing… gets the Kleenex ready… wishes broadband were quicker… really must sort out a new provider… come on, come on… must see pictures of hot Indian actress…>

HOLY COW! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HER.

My willy has gone all small! I must go and find somewhere to vent my anger. I was all ready to get solo-jiggy everywhere and what has she done? How dare she get – like – fat and everything? The woman makes me SICK. She has a responsibility to masturbators all over the world to get thin, and get thin quick.

I must create a Youtube video of her with elephant noises on it. That’ll be both a release of my rage AND it’ll be hilarious. Hahahahaha. Oh I hate Aishwarya Rai for being a fattie. Hahahaha, elephant noises. Oh I’m so funny.

This is A. Bad. Thing, you see. Celebrities have a responsibility to stay thin so that we can ogle new pictures of them on a regular basis. If they get pregnant, they need to lose that weight damned quickly because it’s preventing people from getting their solo jiggy on in front of their laptops.

Unless you like fatties with double chins, in which case – cash in, folks, your time is now. The chubby chasers shall inherit the earth, or at least they’ve inherited Aishwarya Rai who has ballooned to something like fifty times the size she used to be, if you go by what people are saying about her.

However, the non-chubby-chasers, who don’t seem to have a name, hold up examples such as Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie who lost their pregnancy weight within two weeks, while most women struggle to lose it within six months. Yeah. Come on Rai woman, you’ve got two weeks to lose that weight – chop, chop, bitch, we need to toss.

In what sane world, though, is Victoria Beckham an “example to follow”? For anything. Never mind weight. It’s trouble enough that that the world’s wankers are up in arms about Aishwarya Rai’s weight gain, but that Victoria Beckham is considered a good example of anything in this world is doubly worrying.

Victoria Beckham, for chrissakes.

Anyway, while you’re out there debating the place of Indian women in society and whether she should lose weight quickly or not, or what Indian society thinks about mothers, remember… she earns a million times whatever you earn so she’s probably not listening to you.

Rozzers suck LOL

Theresa May has stuck two fingers up at a bunch of police offers and said stuff like “you all suck” and

“eat my cuts you lazy bastards”.

Or something like that. She may not have actually said it.

OK, she didn’t. But she might as well have done, given the effect her words had.

Theresa May is cutting the police budget by 20%, and she’s also changing pay & conditions – so basically, coppers will get less money, their jobs will get shittier, and everything’s going to change.

When that happens in the corporate world, the managers get training in ‘change management’ so that they can smooth the change through with minimal resistance. It’s still shit, but at least there’s a veneer of respectability. Theresa May just says “put up with it you noobs”. Or something like that.

This is the police force that struggled to cope with last year’s riots because it was so stretched and under-resourced. Remember, these people catch criminals and stuff – it’s not an easy job and you wouldn’t want to do it yourself. They’re actually doing A SERVICE unlike the rest of us who are in jobs to make money. Do you work in advertising? Are you getting a 20% cut then? Naw, cos if you work in advertising, you’re making money for the sake of making money, and that’s the kind of enterprise we want in this country, not people who catch criminals and shit.

They’re like nurses and firemen and teachers and other stupid professions that don’t make money.

So if you’re going to cut the police budget at all, why go and wind them up about it?

What is it about this government? Does it have a death wish or something? Every day there’s a headline about a government minister offending a group of people. Yes, real people who have votes and stuff. Actual people. It’s mad. At least the previous government tried to keep its hatred of people to supposedly off-mike conversations in cars. This lot just despise you.

Handicapped people? Fuck ‘em – we’re cutting their benefits because they’re just lazy.

Single mothers? We never liked them anyway. They vote Labour. Cut their benefits.

Nurses? We get them from Africa and Ireland so bollocks to the NHS.

And the worst bit of posturing – having a go at their friends in business saying

“get on a flight and sell more shit”.

Or something to that effect. That’s genius. If you’re on a governmental hari-kari mission and you’ve already hacked off everyone in the world, turn on the one group of people who ALWAYS vote for you – business men – and tell them they’re lazy, feckless good-for-nothings.

Watching this government is like playing the classic Windows game Lemmings. “Oh look, Jeremy Hunt has just dropped off the cliff… here comes Phillip Hammond…”. In the meantime, David Cameron is the stupid lemming who’s stuck going back and forth trying to get out of the little hole he’s dug himself while his other ministers leap happily off the cliff into oblivion. Theresa May just committed career suicide and she doesn’t even seem to care about it.

Witch baffled by witch-hunt

Oh aye, we all feel sorry for Rebekah Brooks, we really do. Apparently she’s bewildered and bamboozled and befuddled by all this witch-hunt business that’s going on. To be honest, if we’d been charged with perverting the course of justice, we’d be pretty angry, too.

But let’s put ourselves in her shoes. You run a business that does some pretty shitty things, like tell the world that someone’s son has a debilitating disease when they want it kept private, or publish photographs of peoples’ cellulite or boobies. Woohoo! Boobies! Who would have thought that mammary glands would make so much money. But that’s all in the “public interest”, a phrase so loosely defined that you feel you can own it.

You run a business that uses peoples’ phone numbers to hack into their voice mail, and you listen to what their friends have been saying to them. On their private voicemails.  You even listen to the voicemail of a dead girl, allegedly.

But it’s OK, because you only run it. You aren’t actually doing the shit. You’re just over-not-seeing it. And when someone else notices it, you’re just keeping the evidence “somewhere else” – somewhere the police might not look.

It’s still OK, because you’ve got your friends to help you put the evidence “somewhere else”. It’s OK, because your friend DC tells you to “keep your head up”. That’s nice of the Prime Minister of our country, isn’t it – to tell someone to keep their head up while they’re shifting boxes of “evidence” from one room to another. Those boxes must be heavy, and if you’re shifting two at a time, you absolutely HAVE to keep your head up because otherwise, your chin will get in the way.

It’s still OK, because the police – they like you. They gave you a horse. And despite the fact that you treated the horse like shit, they still like you don’t they?

Naw… not really. Turns out they preferred the horse.

You see, being in Rebekah Brooks’ shoes, we start to understand her bewilderment and confusion and bamboozlement and beffudlement. To be boss of News of the World, and to work for Rupert Murdoch, you have to be both a total badass AND turn a blind eye to a lot of shit. We tend to portray Rebekah Brooks as a hate figure for many reasons, but principally because she looks like one. That nose, that red hair, she looks like a witch! Get her!

No, the real problem here is not her looks, it’s that any NOTW editor would have done the same, because if you work for Murdoch, you do bad things by default. It’s your job. Unfortunately for Brooks, she was just GOOD AT HER JOB.

Did phone hacking seem ‘so bad’ at the time? Probably not, if you worked for Murdoch. It was just another of the shitty things that went on along with publishing private stories about other peoples’ ill children and pointing out droopy boobies. And when politicians came to polish your spittle-encrusted shoes, it’s only natural that you developed a relationship with them that remained mostly along the same lines – they lick, you like.

Coming from this kind of environment, you’re totally cut off from reality. You kid people that you matter, but your world is so distant, so removed from us, that when you’re placed back into reality – in a court room – being told that you’ve actually broken the law and so have your friends… well, who wouldn’t be confused?

I feel sorry for Rebekah Brooks. Being bad has its downsides.

Pissed-up

So apparently the Scottish are going to have to pay at least 50p per unit for their booze, and this is BIG news. Indeed, so big that some Scots are facing the difficult choice of whether they feed their families or they get drunk. It’s that serious.

The Scottish government, you see, has done some research. It’s found out that by raising the minimum price of a unit of alcohol by 5 pence – yes, folks, by 5 pence, then Scottish people will stop drinking. Slightly more expensive booze is going to force the Scots to think:

“hmm, this ingrained culture of drinking, it’s slightly too expensive now so I think I’ll switch to green tea.”

All of a sudden, according to the Scottish government, the Scots are going to put down the pint glass and participate in “café culture” like what they do on the continent. “Ach laddie ah’ll huv two lattes and a sencha green tea ya cuntchie” is the title of Irvine Welsh’s latest novel, apparently.

So slightly-more-expensive booze. It works. Like in Finland, where they pay the equivalent of a mortgage for a bottle of vodka, but the entire country still manages to go on the lash approximately 27 hours a day. Indeed, the new proposed Scottish pricing would almost bring it into line with the rest of the UK, where booze is mostly shunned in favour of green tea, lattes and yoga.

This is how hard it’s going to be for our Scottish cousins: the cheapest bottle of wine is going to cost £4.69, and a four-pack of lager will cost at least £3.52. Can you imagine that? £3.52 for a four-pack. That’s horrific. They’re just taxing the drinker aren’t they. That’s going to put another £120 a year on top of the average Scot’s annual drink bill.

So who’s going to benefit from this 50p minimum price per unit? Probably the supermarkets, who are rubbing their hands in glee at the thought of booze-hungry Scots paying that little bit extra. The drinks companies are saying stuff like

“ooh it’s a bad, bad thing, you’re punishing the consumer”

(of our booze). But behind closed doors, they’re slapping each other (and the politicians) on the back because consumption won’t go down, and profits will go up. So who’s the loser – apart from the booze-hungry Scot? Probably the hospitals, who actually wanted to see the number of pissed-up emergency cases go down.

So here’s a solution for you, Scotland. Don’t bother increasing the prices because the only people who will benefit are the supermarkets and the drinks companies. The Scots like a drink and will continue to pay for a drink. Start charging people for visiting A&E if they’re drunk. Get a breathalyser on the entrance and charge according to how pished they really are. Fifteen times over the limit? You’ll pay £150 to get patched up. That way, Scots can absorb the alcohol price increase themselves and the NHS sees the benefit. Heck, they can even make a margin on it. Drinks companies keep getting the money, and the government gets voted in because it lets everyone get wrecked.

But this 50p thing might not happen because the EU reckons it’s “anti-competitive”. So hey ho, swings and roundabouts.

LOL!

Well you get the politicians you deserve, don’t you. In our case, we’ve got a Prime Minister who sends texty love messages to ginger rottweillers but he doesn’t understand text speak. Hahaha, let’s all laugh because he doesn’t know what LOL means. I mean, HOW CAN HE RUN THE COUNTRY if he doesn’t know what LOL means. How OUT OF TOUCH must he be.

Personally, I feel quite reassured that David Cameron didn’t know what LOL means. After all of this ‘call me Dave’ posturing, I was beginning to worry that the Prime Minister of this country knew more than I did about stuff like that. How awful would it be to find out that the Prime Minister of the country is more ‘down with the kids’ than you. I mean, what a bastard. It felt for a while that the country was being run by Fearne Cotton, or something with a slightly higher IQ – a lol cat, perhaps.

But it turns out he’s just another old dude who’s “got into texting” and thought it would be fun to try out a LOL or a ROFL. You can imagine him turning to George Osborne as he tries to work out how to send a text using his new iPhone, saying “Ozzie, what does ROFL mean” while Osborne furiously types ROFL into the Google on his laptop.

“I think it means Rubbing On Frenzied Lube, Dave – best not to use it.”

So it’s all good news. I want my politicians to know nothing about ‘yoof culture’, and I don’t even want them to know anything about culture at all. I want politicians to be as UNLIKE the rest of us as possible.

When asked about Eastenders, I don’t want them to trot out lines that their PR executive carefully prepared, I want them to say

“I don’t watch the television, it makes your mind rot.”

When asked about their favourite biscuit, I want my politician to say:

“I don’t have time for biscuits, I’m running the fucking country and doing important things. Do you really think I have time to consider whether I prefer Bourbon biscuits or Digestives? What sort of fucking world is this? Grow up the lot of you.”

Mitt Romney

Oh I love America. I love it for websites like www.commieblaster.com which I’m assured isn’t comedy. I love it for obesity, baseball and most of all, those mad nutters they call Republicans. They’re brilliant.

Over here, we’ve only got Tories, and they’re funny in a kind of laughing at your racist granddad kind of way. You laugh, but you sort of feel sorry for them as they wag their withered wank-hand at darkies in the street.

But those lucky Americans, they’ve got Republicans. Proper evil dudes. Proper nutcases. It’s not fair. However, they couldn’t manage to find a proper nutcase for their republican nominee for the Presidential elections, and ended up with damp squib Mitt Romney, who they kind of hated but now they kind of love. He’s returning the favour by saying

“ooh same sex marriage is a bad thing”

…while Barack Obama says

“ooh same sex marriage is a good thing”.

Of course this is Mitt Romney, who thinks marrying twenty women is “a good thing”, but also the Mitt Romney who wrote to a gay rights club back in 1994 saying

“yeah you can get married, I’m all for it and I just LOVE Elton John, go go go!”

Or something to that effect.

Anyway, the jist of the right-wing argument against Barack Obama’s big gay love-in is that the bible says it’s a bad thing. Myself, I always use the bible when I’m against something. For example, gingers wearing red clothes – the bible said don’t do it.

OK, it didn’t, but if I want to, I can find a passage that vaguely sounds like it’s saying gingers shouldn’t wear bad clothes and I can go around beating up gingers for wearing red if I want, because the bible said so.

The bible said a lot of mad things, such as Eve being formed out of Adam’s ribcage, and it had talking snakes and stuff. Trippy. So did Harry Potter, come to think of it. But it didn’t really have a stance on gay marriage, possibly because Elton John and David Furnish weren’t around at the time of the BC/AD switchover. Imagine if they were, how different the bible might have been. We’d all have been musing about how Elton John was better before the 80s (BC).

Some religious guy over there said:

“The church has always taught that marriage should be between a man and a woman”

Yeah, and Miss Thomas always taught me that potatoes would grow behind my ears if I didn’t wash them properly. Miss Thomas was great. She became Mrs something in Class 4 but I can’t remember what. I digress.

And here’s where these Republicans start to get less funny. They hide behind religion as an excuse for everything when it’s actually their own prudishness that’s getting in the way. And that makes religion kind of nutty, which at its base, it isn’t.

Who cares if gays get married? Who cares if Mitt Romney marries twenty women. Just don’t go to the wedding(s).

Go on, have another drink Charlie

Apparently, David Cameron is complaining about Nick Clegg stopping him from being a proper Tory. He says what he really really wants is a full Tory government, although most of the nation appear to disagree with him. Something about a Queen’s speech being watered down, could have been much more bastard-ish.

But that dastardly Clegg is getting in his way.

Isn’t it funny that these ministers keep getting in the way? Of course, it’s usually good news for Cameron when a minister gets in the way, like a shit shield – you’ve had Lansley taking most of the shit for the NHS, you’ve had Hunt taking the shit for BSkyB, but Clegg – well, he’s getting in the way of Cameron being a proper Tory. And what’s that? Well, the usual – stealing from grannies, eating children, making single mothers sit underneath a Noel Edmonds-style ‘Shit Funnel’ and laughing as they get covered in Tory pooh, and wearing gas masks for bizarre sex games with other men. Just typical Tory stuff, really.

And Clegg is stopping him? All this time, we’ve been hating Nick Clegg, but it turns out he’s the Professor Snape of government – protecting us from Tory evil while we practice pure hate upon him. Snape did it for the love of Harry Potter’s mother, but Clegg? He’s doing it for the love of his country. For the love of you and me.

Yes, for the love of us, the Great British people. Eat that, Daily Mail. You didn’t see that one coming, did you.

Nick Clegg – protector of all that is British. A while back, we mocked Nick Clegg. We mocked him for going naked unnoticed in the House of Commons before anyone noticed him. We mocked him for saying one thing and doing another. But those were the actions of a man who never thought he would get in power. That was the great thing about the Lib Dems back in the days of Charles Kennedy and “early Cleggism”.

You could say things like “We’ll make sex with supermodels part of the national curriculum” and “free ten pound notes for everyone over the age of 21″. You could go on the lash all day. But then – shit – you end up in government and that promise about sex with supermodels comes back to hit you in the face.

But Nick Clegg took the flack for you and me. He took the flack because he knew he had a greater purpose in life. To stop David Cameron from being a proper Tory. To stop single mothers being covered in the Tory pooh funnel while they all laughed and drank fox’s blood. To stop babies from getting eaten. To stop the endless sex games with gas masks. Nick Clegg did it for Britain.

I love Nick Clegg, and so should you.

Them's MY minerals, got that?

Those Africans, they don’t know how good they’ve got it. Still, when mining conglomerfucks Glencore pull out of Zambia, they’ll see how wrong they are for demanding some MONEY for their resources.

Here’s their Chief Executive Ivan Glasenberg being arsey:

“African states are going to have to be very careful because there are minerals all over Africa and if they start this nationalism or if they start taking a bigger profit, we will go elsewhere.”

Yeah, watch it African states. Watch it with your “nationalism” and “wanting money” and shit. Cos if you ask for a greater share of your minerals, then we’re going to stop pouring acid into your rivers and employing your ten-year-old children. Allegedly. Yeah. You weren’t expecting that, were you.

I mean, we could go literally ANYWHERE in your continent to get our hands on stuff, so just lie back and think of England while we bum rape you.

But hang on, here’s Glasenberg again:

“We care about the environment. We care about the local communities.”

Yeah. So stop your whining. Glencore cares so much, that they’re ready to leave. Except when a local firm starts making money again, when they’ll pop back and take over, much like they did in Tilwezembe, where they can start being caring about employing ten year olds, killing 60 people a year and pouring acid into rivers again. Allegedly.

It’s that caring side of Glencore that nobody seems to appreciate. When they (allegedly) poured acid into the Luilu river in Congo, it was for the good of the people who subsisted on a diet of fish. I mean, who can live on fish? Silly Africans. It’s your own fault, it really is.

Of course, if you’re the Congolese government, then it really is your own fault. Just because a pitbull is wearing a fluffy bunny rabbit suit, doesn’t mean it’s going to act like a fluffy bunny rabbit. So when Glencore walked into the room wearing a fluffy bunny rabbit suit and said “we’d like to buy your mines”, you don’t say “awww, pretty fluffy bunny rabbit, you can have our mines for ooooh, a tenth of the price or something like that.”

Allegedly. We’re sure there was a true and proper process.

At least we can take solace in the fact that Glencore, worth $60bn or something ridiculous like that, pays its taxes. With revenues of more than $1bn in Europe, thank the LORD that they’re contributing towards state coffers.

Oh, hang on. They only paid $2m in tax last year.

Still, they’ve done wonders for child unemployment and they’re doing all they can about over-population.

If this is what it takes to highlight “executive pay”, then let us not confuse shareholders’ social conscience with shareholders’ worry about their falling investments. Andrew Moss was, not to be blunt about it, shit at his job. So shit at his job that he failed in his only objective – keep the share price high.

As a Chief Executive, it’s the only thing you have to do. He was so shit that shares rose 5% the minute it was announced he was leaving.

He’s like the Steve Kean of car inshoorance.

Sounds like the culture of ‘shitness’ runs through the company – the HR department recently sent an e-mail intended for one employee to 1,300 people saying “pack up your bags, hand over company property and piss off” or something to that effect. Nice touch.

But let’s look at what Andrew Moss did do. He “reduced the cost base”, which is a nicely nice way of saying “he fired shitloads of people”, and the money saved from firing those people (about a gazillion, which is 1/100^th of a fuckzillion) went to Andrew Moss and his yacht fund.

Didn’t hear the shareholders moaning about that one, did you?

He “began the implementation of the strategic focus”, apparently. Well I never. I mean, they say nurses have it hard, but this man must have been working around the clock. Seems like he sold loads of stuff – RAC for example, and some overseas stuff too. Basically, he joined the company, flogged a bunch of stuff on eBay, and got paid for it.

Andrew Moss - shit at his job

But did the shareholders really complain? I mean, 54% of them did – they voted against the remuneration report, which is about as angry as they get. But 95% of them voted for him to stay as Chief Executive.

So not only is Andrew Moss shit, the shareholders are pretty shit, too. You wouldn’t hear Blackburn fans voting for Steve Kean to stay on in his job, would you. Here’s a man who has reduced the share price (remember, his only objective is to keep it high) by 60%. But it was just a couple of investors, rich ones, who said it’s time for him to go.

In short, if you’re making money for investors, great. Do what you want. If you’re not making money for investors, we’ll get mildly angry and wag our fingers at you.

Sarkozy - "vote for me and I'll kill a wog"

I particularly enjoyed Wednesday night’s French election debate between Nicolas Sarkozy and Francois Hollande. I thought it was brilliant how they went into such detail, waving papers of statistics around, before launching into a tirade of insults such as “you slanderer, you”, and “you lie, you lie” and “flab-faced commie bastard go to hell”. I may have made that last one up.

Since losing the first round, Nicolas Sarkozy has gone around trying to attract the idiots who went and voted for the National Front. That’s about 18% of French voters, which is a pretty sizeable chunk. Now, personally, I’d have just mailed them a tenner each with a note saying “vote for me, and have a beer” – or, and this might play well with the Le Pen voters – “vote for me, and I’ll kill a wog”.

Instead, he spent the equivalent money on some stupid parade for “real work” which only made people hate him more, and banged on and on during the debate about French Islam and how it’s bad to have foreigners in the country, well, the bad kind of foreigners. You know, those that don’t earn shedloads of money. Bad, bad foreigners.

And then it got onto the totally true fact that all foreigners from outside of Europe are Muslims. All of them. They debated that long and hard. So sorry, America. You’re Muslims now. Well, you had been warning us all for ages, but we didn’t listen.

Anyway, France is about to elect a Socialist President for only the second time, and it’s about to eject its most unpopular President ever. I’d say that a large amount of wine is going to be drunk on Sunday night.