Published under the headline “Now Muslims Are Making It Rain”, the article claims that Islam is to blame for centuries of drizzle. Petard backs his claims up with meteorological data dating back to times before the Prophet Mohammed:

“We’ve got data – I mean, really good data – that shows that before the prophet Mohammed came along with all this Islam stuff, the weather was always really good. It was sunny 12 months a year over here in England, and people were all really nice to each other all the time. They were great days, they were.”

“And then these Muslims turn up, and it starts getting wet. In fact, I’m sure it’s in the Qu’ran that they have this secret pact with Allah that it will always rain upon England. So we figure that if you get them out of our country, then the weather will get better. It might not, but we’ll still blame them.”

Daily Star readers have been texting in with righteous fury, with some seemingly on the verge of suicide. Waz, from Leeds, said “i h8 muzzers cos its f-ing freezin in my house n da boiler is broke”, while Slutty Pete from Essex added “is wot i was sayin all along, them is ruining our great cuntry why dont they all go bak to musland”. EDL_Jim added that Muslims may be targetting British sporting events with their bad weather, saying “so they is makkin it rain at Wimbeldon evry yr n wot nxt? the olympix? do we mak it rein fr there friday prayers??? fks sake!”

Hugh Kettling-Youth, head of the Racist Meteorology Society (RMS) said that this was not the only case of foreigners making life bad for the English, saying that “the Jews, for centuries, were responsible for heatwaves – and the drought of 1979 was entirely their fault. And last year’s snow was actually caused by Eastern Europeans, those filthy pick-pocketing bastards. I mean, have you ever thought about it? It’s always sunny in their countries, but always raining in ours. Think about it. Really, think about it.”

Officials have reported a rise in the number of flights booked for Pakistan and Afghanistan since the video was released, saying “the two events cannot not be connected”. One government source said “they’re shit scared about these new tactics”, adding “when I first saw the video, I almost picked up the phone myself to get on the latest flight for Jihadistan or wherever it is they’re going. One look at that manicured, pre-pubescent shit, and even the most moderate of moderates is likely to turn extremist.”

The video, released on YouTube, is accompanied by a rolling 24-hour news style ticker inviting people to join Al Qaeda, and ends with the simple, but clear message “Together, we can stop this from ever happening again.”

Moderate Buddhist George Krishna, from Hounslow in Middlesex, said that he was “immediately enraged” upon viewing the video, and converted instantly to the Islamist sect “Brothers of Blood”. He told the Daily Shame: “All my life I’ve devoted myself to the teachings of Buddha. I’ve even written several books on the path of virtue and compassion, you can download them for your Kindle if you wish. They’re still available.”

“But then my mate Dave sent me this link to something called YouTube. Well, I’ve never really used YouTube before, but I thought – hey, ho – let’s give it a go. And there it was, this monstrosity staring out at me. I thought – what have we become? What have we done to the world? I could barely look at myself in the mirror after that. It raises all sorts of questions about the decline of Western civilisation and the dirty, filthy rotten state we’re in. I googled ‘Islamist sect devoted to Jihad and eradication of all Western Civilisation” and of all things, the Brothers of Blood popped up.”

Foreign Secretary Theresa May said “we’ve been caught with our pants down”, before going on to correct herself, saying “we’ve been caught with our knickers down. The West has much to apologise for, but I fear serious reprisals as a result of this Justin Bieber Al-Qaeda recruitment video. I have been speaking with our American counterparts regarding the potential sacrifice of Bieber.”

“I got a phone call around half eleven last night,” says technician Inna Tan’net. “Someone said to me, hey, put the internet back on 5 minutes, will you? I said – no way – the tweeting will go through the roof, man, we don’t have that kind of capacity – but he say it’s for Gadaffi, man, and he’ll chop my balls off if I don’t put it back on.”

Colonel Gadaffi was reportedly “pleased” with bandwidth speed, telling close friends that it was “well rapid”, and adding “I managed to save £234 on my mercenaries through comparethemercenary.com. I don’t know where I’d be without these comparison websites. People say that you should never go for the cheapest – but I managed to get a great deal.”

It is reported that Gadaffi hired his mercenaries through “Machine Gun Mercenaries”, a shady firm operating out of Tripoli who regularly come top on death squad comparison websites. The deal allegedly includes immunity insurance, and one month’s free murder if paying in full. It is also thought that Gadaffi will receive a free clock radio.

A source close to Gadaffi said “he’s been using Tripoli HitSquad Ltd. a lot of late, but his premium went through the roof when news was broadcast around the world, and he didn’t have insurance against UN condemnation. Turns out that by turning the country’s internet off, he wasn’t able to contact them, as they don’t have a call centre – you can only get in touch by e-mail. While these deals look good on comparison websites, you really do have to check out the full terms and conditions.”

Friends close to Gadaffi say that he was “also able to check out his Facebook page” during the temporary internet reprieve, and “updated his status to ‘murderous shit’”.

Juniper Merdeboite, Head of the BBC Trust, said that “many of the BBC’s radio output fails to reflect multicultural Britain. The Asian network is a case in point, failing to acknowledge Britain’s burgeoning white, middle class audience. The suggestions we have laid out should make the BBC a much more welcoming place for everyone.”

Not everyone, however, agrees with the suggestions made by the Trust, which include an Archers crossover special called “Da Archers”, and a new show hosted by Andrew Marr called “Da Today Programme Innit”. Radio 4 listener Marjorie Moyenne said “I like gangsta rap and troll metal as much as any 50-year-old Berkshire-dwelling housewife, but I don’t want to hear John Humphries duetting with Tinie Tempah. I don’t think I’ll ever listen to the Asian network, no matter how much they want me to tune in.”

Asian Network DJ Tariq “Bonzo” Jones, told the Daily Shame that he would quit if proposals to turn his “Bangla Dance Massive” show into “Bangla Gardener’s Hour” went ahead.

“I don’t know nuffink about gardening, innit. I mean, I don’t even has a garden. Well, my Dad has. But I don’t even have a window box. I play massive music innit, I ain’t growin’ azaleas or whatever it is. This BBC Trust is well up its own ass.”

Radio 4 presenter Smithby Smithson-Smythe, however, said that he is looking forward to joining DJ Bonzo in the studio for what he calls a “stimulating hour of bangla, lawn care and rose pruning”, adding “I’ve been listening to Bangla Dance Massive for the last two years – I have no idea what the BBC Trust is on about – it’s one of the best shows on the radio. I can’t wait to bring my gardening expertise to the show.”

The report equally slams BBC Radio 6 for not doing enough to attract Phil Collins fans, and BBC Radio 3 for failing to attract enough people who don’t like classical music.

“When we got our hands on the script,” said Assange yesterday from his cave in Pakistan, “we knew we had something hot – very hot. A lot of people really wanted this script to stay well and truly hidden – in fact, a lot of people didn’t even want it to exist in the first place.

“What happens in Cats and Dogs3: Feline Good is just going to blow everything they’ve already done out of the water.”

Wikileaks have been issuing teasers through the press, which have revealed that Joe the Beagle is to die from excessive flea bites, while Kitty Galore, heroine of the second film, gets furballs and ends up at the vet’s. Fans have been divided over whether Wikileaks should post the script on the site, with some saying “it would just be too much temptation to read it, I wouldn’t know what to do”, and others saying “meh”.

Senator Mawkit Roebuck-Hillbilly from Arkansas said that the publication of the script would be “unethical on all counts”, adding: “it’s one thing to publish classified cables, it’s another to publish the full script of one of the most popular animal action movie franchies of all time. Wikileaks are putting lives at risk.”

“Employees are spending up to 3 minutes per day just pausing for dramatic effect – add this up and you’re talking 15 minutes per week, that’s one hour per month, and 12 hours per year. If you have 1,000 employees, then you’re losing 12,000 hours per year just to people pausing for effect, and project that out across the whole of the UK, and you can see we’re in deep shit.”

Experts have laid the blame at the door of reality shows in which presenters wait at least 2 minutes between the words “and the person eliminated tonight is”, and the loser’s name. Sociologist Anthea Papadololoser said “TV is having a huge effect on the way we speak. From people speaking with an upward inflection due to Neighbours in the 80s and 90s, to people now pausing dramatically in meeting situations, we’re highly susceptible. For the sake of the UK economy, I urge people to just spit it out.”

Industry leaders have called for the dramatic pause to be banned in offices, stating that any mid-sentence silence of more than 5 seconds should be punished with a warning from HR. Sir Hugh Jawaje, CEO of Fockwitz Bank International, sacked two bank clerks last week for making customers wait three minutes before revealing how much was in their bank account:

“We’re very customer driven, you see, and we realise that our customers are time-pressed individuals. Therefore, making them wait – and in this case, telling them that it’s the ‘moment of truth’ and reminding them of their last five transactions before revealing their account balance – is inappropriate. I particularly objected to the bank clerk who went for an ‘advertisement break’ before revealing whether a customer would be eligible for a mortgage or not.”

Three more employees of Fockwitz were suspended without pay last week after intentionally inserting blank powerpoint slides into presentations in order to build up anticipation and tension. One of the employees, who works in the Finance department, deliberately built in slow-fade graphics into his presentation, with one fade lasting a record five minutes.

Oswald Buckshackle, Marketing Director of Touattes UK, however, defended the dramatic pause, claiming that it “improved the customer journey exponentially”, adding “customers are used to reality TV, so by pausing for effect, you’re making them feel special and part of the whole experience. Of course, if any bastard did this during a meeting, then I’d have them fired as it really ticks me off.”

The five minutes’ extra work would represent a boost to the economy of approximately 36 euros, although economists say that is likely to have been grossly over-estimated due to the fact that most people will probably take the day off anyway.

Demonstrations took place across the capital as the CGT Union led strikes that are set to last all winter. Head of the CGT, Jean Aimarre, told reporters that the austerity measures were “an absolute disgrace”, saying “asking us to work until 5:05pm is excessive in the extreme. There are people here in the public sector who don’t even work until five, so you’re asking them to work an extra two hours and five minutes. This just won’t work, and we’ll strike until Sarkozy retracts this draconian measure.”

Students poured into the streets with placards saying “Si j’avais un boulot, je serais en greve” (If I had a job, I’d be on strike), and “Cinq heures, c’est tout!” (five o’clock is enough!). Sorbonne student Jeremie Feignasse summed up the mood, saying “I’m not studying eight hours a week to suffer in the workplace until five past five. Yes, I do concede that this is better than retiring at the age of 62, but working an extra five minutes is going to put us all in a bad mood, and make us late for the news.”

Government officials admitted that they were “baffled” by the reaction, having originally had a range of austerity measures knocked back by the unions. Among those plans rejected were:

• a promise by all public sector workers to “work hard” for one day per week
• a cap of seven coffee breaks per day
• a reduction in the minimum holiday allowance to 45 days per year

The only measure left in the government’s final austerity plans was to ask the French people to work until 5:05 at some point in the future, a measure that the Socialist Party has promised to overturn in case it wins power in future elections.

Socialist Party leader Hugo Gauchiste told reporters that “under a Socialist government, we would reduce the retirement age to 30 and give free chocolate to everyone. We’d also skip gaily through the meadows, without any need for money.” However, a Socialist Party official handed out a disclaimer to reporters afterwards claiming that nothing Gauchiste had said was contractual and that his plans were likely to change at a later date.

In the meantime, France has come to a standstill, and visitors are being turned away at the gates. “It’s like August,” said customs official Bertrand Arnaque. “Except not as warm.”

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said “this is a real step forward.” He continued: “At last, we can win a Nobel prize. After all the hard work we have put in, what with Tibet and all that, you’d have thought the Nobel committee would give us something. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait another 12 months before we can get our prize, but we’ll just redouble our efforts.”

China will face stiff competition for the Nobel Bastard award, though, with Robert Mugabe already putting the finishing touches to his speech. Henchman Norman Stanley-Park said that “Rob’s been working on his acceptance speech ever since he heard that the committee were thinking about the Nobel Bastard prize. There’s a lot of jokes, some really good ones about white farmers- oh, I did laugh when I first heard them – but a lot of serious stuff, too – I mean, you can’t be a total bastard without killing a few people here and there, can you? It’s not all ho ho and hee hee.”

“Rob’s taking this well serious,” he concluded, grimly.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has already allocated several thousands of pounds towards a “Bribery fund” set up especially for the Nobel Bastard prize, and has dispatched a bevvy of busty beauties to seduce the judging panel. Slavering Silvio told reporters: “this prize is mine by right. That is why I’m sending as many pairs of ginormous tits as I can find to convince the judges that there is no bigger shitface in the world than me.”

“My total dedication to being a complete fuckhead has driven me to where I am today. If anything, I should be winning the Lifetime Achievement award for being a total cock, but I think the judges will eventually go with some chinky or other.”

“Looking back on it now,” Woebetide-Smith confides, “it’s quite funny. I mean, there I was, reading Tony Blair’s book backwards for a bit of a laugh, and all of a sudden, the room heats up as if someone’s just turned up the thermostat. Well, blow me, I thought, I shouldn’t have worn this extra t-shirt underneath. Anyway, before I knew it, there was this puff of smoke, a huge roar of cackling laughter, flames everywhere, and this fella with a red face standing in front of me.”

Shocked friends recoiled in horror as Satan demanded to know why he had been invoked, pointing at his watch and saying “I’m a busy man”. Close friend Alexander Connard said that it was his first – and hopefully last – brush with Beelzebub:

“It started off as a bit of a laugh – you know, Alabaster reading out Tony Blair’s book backwards – who’d have thought it would sound so… well, so spiteful, so malicious? And who’d have thought that Tony Blair had used the very words you require to invoke the devil himself! Even Satan seemed surprised.”

Sources close to the Dark Lord say that there are “many ways” in which the Devil can be invoked, and that it is becoming harder and harder to monitor satanic invocation codes. Head of Satanic Intervention, Marco Bastardo, said that “Tony Blair’s autobiography is littered with invocation codes.” He continued, “we’ve even found a way of reading A Journey that opens up a trapdoor to the underworld itself. This may, at first glance, appear a quite harmless book full of slang, cliches, the word ‘like’ and ‘you know’, but Mr Blair is obviously clearing a path for favourable treatment when he ends up in Hell. That can never be guaranteed, as you know.”

Satan was reportedly “miffed” at being invoked, and told reporters: “I was just settling down for a night in front of the telly – X Factor is on and I just love that Cowell fella. I’d just made myself a cup of tea – boiling hot, three sugars, and I’m whisked off to this poncey cottage in Norfolk or somewhere like that. Some bloke is there reading invocation code 392.6a looking shit scared, so I ask him what the heckfire he wants. He has no idea – they never do, you know. It was the same last week when some idiot teenagers played this James Blunt record backwards, and I had to spend 5 minutes with them explaining the seriousness of the situation. I’m a busy man, for Christ’s sake.”

“Anyway, that said, I had a lovely evening in Shytte-on-Sea. Thought I’d make an evening of it, so I went off and had a fish supper.”

Voice of Vorderman: I’m disgusted by the way that delightful young X-Factor star Gamu Nhengu is being treated. The government has to step in and sort this situation out – there’s a clear dividing line between benefit-scrounging immigrants who can sing, and benefit-scrounging immigrants who can’t sing, and this needs to be enshrined in law – quickly.

What right does the Home Office have to refuse Gamu and her family a visa? Don’t they know how important she is to a Saturday night entertainment show and therefore to the nation? It’s an apalling situation. They should be refusing visas to those immigrants who can’t sing!

We’ve got far too many benefit-scrounging, job-stealing, lazy immigrants in this country of ours, and it’s full to bursting – so we need to pick and choose the immigrants we want to keep. Getting rid of Gamu Nhengu and her family is just wrong, and Cheryl Cole knows it. We need to keep hold of the immigrants that we like, and get rid of the ones we don’t like. If the girl can perform, let’s keep her, as she’ll increase advertising revenue for ITV, bringing more money to our flailing economy. You see, it even makes economic sense.

In fact, I’d be happy to see an X-Factor style audition for our illegal immigrants, and I’d be glad to sit on the judge’s panel alongside Simon Cowell and Lord Beelzebub himself. Anyone without a visa – and I don’t care whether it’s a technicality or not – would have to sing a Whitney Houston song to be allowed to stay in the country. Not only would it help reduce our immigrant burden, but it could also be a great money-spinner! Imagine, at the end of the series, an album could be produced, which would pay for their air fares back to Africa or wherever they came from. With telephone voting, there would be plenty of money in the coffers to help build a giant wall around our country, to stop further immigrants from getting in. It would also give our benefit-scrouging, job-shy, thieving immigrants a chance to prove themselves, and restore their self-esteem.

In future, a points system should be introduced to decide whether an immigrant, an asylum seeker or whatever, can get into the country. This could be decided on national television, with a voting system based on looks, desirability, cuteness, voice and ability to pull the nation’s heartstrings.

Are you an illegal immigrant? Can you sing? Contact us here at the Daily Shame!

Of course, this is not really the writing of Carol Vorderman – we’d never let her write for us.