Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Dear iConsumers,
It has come to our attention that many of you are worried about our use of 5-year-old children in Asian sweatshops. It is only natural that you should be concerned about our labour practices, and especially the regulations concerning our sweatshops in East Asia, notably Vietnam, Laos and a few other places we can’t quite remember right now.
Peter Poffles: A daring software upgrade to John Humphrys has been heralded a success by BBC bosses. The upgrade quashes rumours that the Today programme’s analogue presenter faced obsolescence following incompatibility issues with digital technology in the BBC newsroom.
Hundreds of thousands, if not millions of families, will be left without HD coverage of this year’s World Cup, according to a report published by Sky TV and charity the HD Foundation. In what is known as “HD Hardship”, or “High Definition Poverty”, families around the UK will be forced to watch the tournament on non-high definition 50 inch flatscreens or plasma televisions.
In days gone by, a pushchair was a pushchair – a chair that a baby could sit in, and the mother would push. However, mothers have united in fury at the latest pushchair, manufactured by McLaren, that now comes with four-wheel drive, air-conditioning and front and back suspension.
Police have warned office workers to stay at home as the renowned “PowerPoint murderer” claimed his 8th victim yesterday afternoon. A man in his forties was found slumped over his desk as an endless loop of 83 slides with phased animation told its own grisly story.
Boffins at Apple have unveiled the latest iPhone app that helps Chinese factory managers calculate exactly how many hours a 5-year-old can work at maximum productivity. The app has a wealth of additional features that make it, according to apple, a “must have” for Apple supplier factory managers all over the far east.
Daily Shame 1983: Three more teenagers accused of copying cassettes of their favourite pop stars have been arrested, as the music industry clamps down on illegal cassette sharing. The teenagers were all thought to have illegally borrowed copies of cassettes from friends at schools and “made copies” to listen to on their personal walkmans.
A man from Norwich has thanked the app developer who saved his life after a calamitous fall left him with his iPhone half way up his rectum, and just days from death.
A campaign group for “better looking Russian brides” has claimed that standards have slipped since the 1990s, and “only the ugly ones are left”. The group, which calls itself Better Russian Brides Now (BRBN), now has over 1,000 members, most of whom you would not want to meet.
Apple boss Steve Jobs proudly unveiled his iShit yesterday in front of a stunned audience of admirers. “It’s the sleekest, shiniest turd ever to hit the market”, said Jobs. “The iShit is going to revolutionise the way you all look at pooh.”
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
