Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
The ECB has rebuked its Twenty20 cricket squad for “un-English” behaviour at the Twenty20 World Cup in the Caribbean. Lord Petomaine, newly installed head of the ECB, claimed that the team’s constant refusal to lose matches was “an insult to the memory of one-day heroes such as Nasser Hussain, Ian Salisbury, Ian Austin and Derek Pringle.”
Newcastle United Chairman Mike Ashley has revealed that the club’s supporters are to be re-named from next season, and will be known as “the M&Ms @ Newcastle United”. The deal, which sees the club pocket a few pounds, will mean that all Newcastle fans will have to refer to themselves as M&Ms.
One of horse racing’s greatest rivalries has deepened with news that Kauto Star and Denman no longer even acknowledge each other. The two rivals for the Gold Cup at Cheltenham have all but abandoned any pretence of friendship after Denman was seen sharing sugar lumps with Kauto Star’s mare-friend.
Yesterday’s grudge match between Shytte Rovers and Oxminster Acne ended 0-0 as all 22 players refused to acknowledge each other. A string of feuds and rivalries spilled over into a bitch-fest of blanking and pretending not to notice each other.
Everton and Belgium star Marouane Fellaini has landed himself in hot water after it was revealed that he transported his whole family from North Africa to Britain in his hair. The midfielder’s elaborate stunt came to a sticky end after a dressing room show-down with boss David Moyes, who noticed Fellaini’s grandmother having a cup of tea behind his left ear.
Friends close to shamed golf star Tiger Woods have revealed that he has been living a personal hell, unable to complete a sentence without an unintended double entendre. He is believed to be seeking counselling to overcome his innuendo nightmare.
Hospital staff in West London have staged a “mass holiday request” as news that Ashley Cole would be checking in to have his ankle checked was leaked. Bosses at the hospital are said to be “alarmed, but not really surprised.”
A Shytte-on-Sea resident has won control of Portsmouth Football Club after a game of cards “got out of control” at the Dog and Disco pub last night. He says that he will give “110%” to the club despite his limited finances.
Chelsea captain John Terry has admitted getting caught up in a dangerous game of Fantasy WAGS League in which footballers earn points for bagging wives of other footballers.
Unlucky Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has revealed that his wretched form extends into Football Manager 2010, where he has managed to take Tottenham into the relegation zone. The Spanish boss, whose real-life Liverpool side are “ridiculous beyond belief”, in his own words, claims that he will stand by his Spurs side, despite fans’ calls for him to step down.
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
