Injury fans have responded positively. Alabaster Quicksand-Smythe, from Salford, said “as a fan of metatorsal and spinal injuries in particular, I’m absolutely delighted that Rio has signalled his intentions in such a clear manner. Too many footballers these days are overly concerned with fitness and being on the pitch playing the game, but Rio has been an ambassador for bodily harm over the last few years, and I’m over the moon that he’ll soon be back on the physio’s table.”

Groin injury fan Cruickshanks Nezbrun said that he was really hoping Ferdinand would be out of action soon: “I can’t wait for him to get a groin injury again,” he beamed. “The great thing about Rio is that he does exactly what he says he’s going to do – if Rio says he’s going to be injured, then he will be. Personally, I’d love to see him stretchered off with a strained groin – I mean, the ultimate dream would be a hernia – but the groin will make my day.”

Sources close to Ferdinand say that he is “absolutely devastated” to be back to full fitness, with some suggesting that he has already set his Sky Plus to record Bargain Hunt and Place in the Sun: Home or Away, featuring his favourite bit of large breasted totty, Jasmine Harman.

“He’s going to miss Jasmine,” said a close friend of Ferdinand. “Thank God for Sky Plus, though. Playing football is not what Rio intended for his career – he’s established quite a routine during his injuries, including a four-hour bout of Football Manager in the morning with cornflakes – did you know he’s taken Luton Town back up to the Premiership? – Bargain Hunt, Place in the Sun, then a couple of pieces of toast for dinner and then some box set DVDs of CSI.

“Football’s just going to ruin this. Rio’s desperate to return to the couch.”

Sources within the club have assured injury fans that Ferdinand is on an intensive training schedule designed to return him to minimum fitness. Coach Louis Catastrophe reassured injury fans by detailing the hectic schedule that he has designed for the centre-half, which involves two-footed tackles from teammates, heading the crossbar and replacing the football with a medicine ball at an inappropriate moment.

Vorderwoman

Steven Gerrard makes me sick. How is it that a young man, paid by the truckload, thinks he can let down his country and then HAVE SEX? I for one think Steven Gerrard is an absolute disgrace, and he should be showing the country exactly how sorry he is by cutting himself with knives until it really hurts. Self harm is the only way for England’s footballers to repent for their appalling performances. Wayne Rooney should be banging his head against a brick wall, and Ashley Cole should be mutilating his foot until he can no longer walk on it.

As a role model for the country’s youth, Steven Gerrard should be living a near monastic life. How dare he go out and have sex with women? After his performances in South Africa, the very least Steven Gerrard could have done is give up his first-class ticket on the plane and hitch-hiked it back all the way through Africa, up through Spain, and then worked his way back on foot, taking jobs as he went picking fruit and vegetables or helping out communities build sheds and stuff.

To make it harder for Gerrard to get back, he should have one leg tied to John Terry’s right leg. And John Terry should be given anaesthetic so that Gerrard finds it even harder to lug the weight of a sex maniac up the continent of Africa. He should also be made to wear a t-shirt that says “cannibals come and eat me” so that the natives think he’s food. That would teach him.

On his return to England, after swimming the Channel, he should have carried a cross on his back all the way to Liverpool, where crowds would have greeted him with ritual abuse and rotten vegetables. Instead, what is he doing? He goes off in his five-star aeroplane, stays in a ten-star hotel with a SWIMMING POOL and JACUZZI, and starts having sex with women – a pleasure that should be well and truly off the menu for our under-performing footballers.

In fact, and I’m calling on all of womanhood here, we should be the ones who are proactively denying Steven Gerrard any female flesh. It’s well known that he’ll try to impregnate anything with two legs and long hair, so ladies – let’s get together and deny this libidinous lackey his lady loving until he starts winning trophies for England. And if he does come calling – and in fact, if any member of the England squad come calling – then give them a sharp knife, tell them to self-harm, and shut the door in their faces.

Disclaimer: Of course, this is not really Carol Vorderman writing for the Daily Shame. We’d never let the mathematics harpie anywhere near our editorial offices.

“I can’t believe he’s still in the job,” said Orthopaedic fan Barry Twomerdes. “It’s been rubbish since he took charge. How can he take these quality players and make one rubbish side out of them? He sticks to 4-4-2 but everyone knows that Darren Copshaft needs to play alone up front with someone playing in the hole behind. When will Acapella understand?”

Copshaft, a part-time painter from nearby village Borlz-by-Gucci, is the highest-paid player on the Orthopaedic side, having been signed from rivals Shytte Remedial for two bitter shandies last season. With a return of eight goals last year, he became the club’s top scorer, but is at a loss as to why Orthopaedic’s slide continues:

“The lads are all trying their best,” he told reporters yesterday. “But the loss to Arschloch hurts a lot. I had to take half a day off work to play this game, so I’ve taken a financial hit as well. That’s how much it means to all of us. You should blame us, not the manager.”

Orthopaedic now go into next month’s Inter-Shytte tournament as underdogs, having not won the title since 1966, the famous “in off the dog” year when feted cocker spaniel “Lucky” ran onto the pitch and deflected a wayward shot into opponents Shytte & Borlz Albion’s net. Forty-four years of hurt later, and some fans refuse to believe that Orthopaedic’s best days are behind them:

“I still believe,” said devoted Orthopaedic fanatic, Kevin Oldhat. “I still reckon we can win it. Every year, I get out my 1966 rattle and wave it around my head like mad. Barry doesn’t like it, but it means something to me. All those years of hurt, and now we’ve got stuck with this overpaid Acapella bloke. I don’t care about all his medals with FC Stronzo in Italy – what I care about is Orthopaedic, and the right here – right now. If he can’t get the best out of these players, well he’s got to go.”

“Some of these players are on two-figure salaries, and it’s probably going to bankrupt the club unless we start winning trophies. They need to show some pride when they put on the Shytte shirt.”

Orthopaedic season ticket holder Maureen Farniente is backing Acapella, saying “If he can’t do it – no one can. They’ve had their chances, we all know they’re the most talented Orthopaedic team since the 60s, and frankly, we’ve got the best manager we’ve had since Bozza, the landlord at the Wyvern, back in the 70s. I just don’t think they care as much as we do. They’d much rather be in their cushy jobs earning four-figure salaries as painters, pizza delivery drivers and benefits scroungers, not playing for the Orthopaedic.”

Regular ITV viewer Barry Camionblanc said “I thought this World Cup would be all about the Vuvuzela, about the unique African sound and atmosphere, but instead I’ve got these idiots blaring in my earhole the whole time about ‘that night in Barcelona’ and how ‘this is the most important moment in the history of some nation or other’, or telling me that ‘the hand of fate lies squarely on the shoulders’ of some centre-forward or other. Is there no way we can screen these commentators out?”

Football fan Norman Sanscerveau was equally irked, telling followers on his blog: “I can’t hear anything except Peter Drury waffling on about how this ‘could… just could be… the greatest moment ever… in the history of greatest moments… since greatest moments were first thought of by the person who first had a greatest moment…’ or Clive Tyldesley banging on about ’since the dawn of time, has there ever been a more crucial free kick?’… I just want to sit down and listen to the sound of Vuvuzelas gently rocking me into a blissful sleep while 22 men try to defend a 0-0 scoreline. What’s wrong with that?”

ITV boffins have been working on a high pitch sound that can block out the cliches of a commentator, which will soon be made available on the red button for those who wish to hear the sound of the Vuvuzelas. However, at the moment, they admit they are “far from an adequate solution”.

“We’ve got something,” said Head Scientist, Jereboam Oakstick. “But right now, it sounds a bit like John Motson being poked with a stick, and intermittently, you can still hear the odd word from the commentator, such as “night in Barcelona” or “most important” or “I tell you what…”. So we’ve got some work to do.” Clive Tyldesley, however, attempted to stem the flow of criticism by defending the position of the ITV commentators.

“When the cookie crumbles,” said Tyldesley, “it is, without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest responsibility in the universe to commentate on the greatest, most exciting tournament in the entire world. So, at the end of the day, when the sun sets and the fat lady sings, when all’s said and done, this just may be – whisper it – the giant hand of responsibility guiding me towards the ultimate dream.”

“It’s such a shame that Timmy is no longer playing tennis, but now I’ve got my Wimbledon Vuvuzela, I can continue to support him even though he’s not there. I don’t like that Andy Murray. He’s got a dirty mouth on him. Timmy was much nicer – a polite young boy, if you will. I’ll be blowing my Vuvuzela all throughout Wimbledon fortnight, and I hope it really does add to the atmosphere.”

Umpires have already expressed worry over the amount of noise that the Wimbledon Vuvuzelas will make. Pedro Morereireira, who will umpire Andy Murray’s first-round match, said that “one is bad enough – but can you imagine hundreds of them at once? It’ll sound like a very angry Women’s Institute meeting. I will immediately put a halt to any match that is badly affected by these silly instruments!”

Websites have popped up offering to “pimp up” the Wimbledon Vuvuzelas, with one in particular claiming that it can modify your Wimbledon Vuvuzela to tell Andy Murray to “piss off”, and another that tells female tennis players to “stop grunting and get their kit off”, which has already been banned. Wimbledon officials have said that any “pimped” Wimbledon Vuvuzelas will be confiscated, and only authentic “Come on Timmy” ones will be allowed onto the court.

An estimated 120% of the nation gathered round televisions and radio sets last night to hear Kim Jong Il narrate the “great victory” over Brazil from his self-penned book “Our 4-0 victory over Brazil”, which is set to become a bestseller in the communist nation. At approximately 11pm local time, workers downed tools, and by chapter 3, they were celebrating their first World Cup finals goal since 1966.

“The right winger prepares to cross,” read Kim Jong-Il, “dummies, and beats the Brazilian defender, erm… Dave… and plays the ball in.” A nation held its breath, as the TV showed a mock-up of the “great victory” using a combination of actors, cartoon and pipe-wiring.

“Here’s Kim Jong-Il – he’s beaten one – he’s beaten two – he’s beaten three – look at how he beautifully represents the North Korean worker – his artistry, his beauty, his looks, his skill… look how he completely mystifies the foolhardy westerners… they watch in awe as he shoots – he scores!!!” A cartoon figure of Kim Jong-Il wheeled away celebrating North Korea’s first goal, while the Brazilians looked on in a combination of shock and respect. Indeed, many of the Brazilians applauded, and the mainly North Korean-supporting crowd went into raptures.

Ten minutes later, a dazzling run by Jong-Il took him past all eleven Brazilian players – three times – before he rounded off the move with an overhead kick into the top corner – a shot so hard that it broke the back of the net with a noise that was heard half-way around the world. At half time, patriotic songs were sung by everyone in the stadium, including the Brazilian fans who had all converted to communism after Kim Jong Il’s first goal.

Kim Jong-Il went on to score all four goals in his country’s “great victory”, and becomes the tournament’s leading, in fact, only goalscorer. As a sign of their humiliation, all of the Brazilians immediately retired from football, and handed their previous World Cup medals to the North Koreans who were “more deserving”. A chastened Robinho said “What happened here tonight is a lesson for the world. We must not try to match ourselves against North Korea, because we are too feeble. We are too weak. We are not good enough. The great leader Kim Jong-Il was right. We are stupid.”

“Dear nation,” proclaimed Jong-Il as the final whistle blew, closing his book and seemingly improvising for the first time. “the Brazilians have been annihilated by the people’s football team of North Korea, and myself. However, trouble is on the horizon. We cannot see off the Portuguese without nuclear weapons, which is why you must all return to work, producing warheads for our Great War!”

Next week, Kim Jong-Il will read “How we crushed the stupid Portuguese”, and “Our glorious mauling of the Ivory Coast”.

“Normally I use star signs,” admitted Domenech, “but I’d dozed off the other day after a particularly gruelling session with my runes, and this fella with the face of an elephant and loads of arms pops up, as if by magic. Well, I had to take notice. He kept saying to me ‘Raymond, you nonce, have you not noticed that your ascendent is in Uranus?’ Well, he seemed to find that very funny, but then went on the imply that because of this particular planetary alignment, I couldn’t select Thierry Henry.”

Domenech went on to explain that his entire team selection was guided by his conversation with Ganesha, who turns out to be quite a football enthusiast: “He told me that Franck Ribery must play due to the closeness to the summer solstice, and that Nicolas Anelka must start up front because his chakras are at their most aligned in June. However, I am somewhat bound by FIFA regulations, and I could not bring back Patrick Viera, despite his claims that he absolutely must play.”

However, it is the non-selection of Henry due to planetary influences that has caused the biggest stir. Henry himself is said to be “livid” at being made to sat on the bench, while fellow strike partner Djibril Cisse is said to be “confused” at being told he must play in goal due to being a Capricorn. Most of the French team refuse to partake in Domenech’s bizarre pre-match teamtalks which involve Buddhist chanting and readings of Tarot cards.

Ganesha told reporters yesterday that he was “only trying to be helpful”, adding “I’m Indian, so technically I’m neutral. But I’ve always had a soft spot for les bleus. So the other day, I thought I’d pop over to Raymond’s, have a chat, tell him what I thought. I’ve got some quite wacky ideas on how he can beat Uruguay, for example, by lighting some incense sticks in the middle of the pitch – that’ll stop Diego Forlan. Also, you can confuse their centre forwards by throwing rose petals in their pre-match cup of tea. See? Loads of good ideas. That’s why I’m a God.”

The expensive process, engineered by scientists from Switzerland, will take approximately 6 full hours, with Ledley King’s body parts being maintained in ice and cotton wool, further ice, and further cotton wool. Fabio Capello told reporters yesterday that “it is only way we can guarantee he make it through tournament. We have employed top security guards for his feet, his head and his legs. We have employed average security guards for his arms, and I will personally look after his ribcage and his groin. This way, we rebuild Ledley for every game and check with top engineers that he is fully working.”

England have had to seek special dispensation from FIFA for the rather extreme proposal, and each rebuild of King will be overseen by FIFA officials who are keen to observe that England rebuild Ledley King from Ledley King parts only. Some have voiced fears that the England team will seek an advantage by building in additional body parts. A FIFA spokesman said “there is nothing in the rules that says England can’t do this.”

He continued: “However, we have to make sure that England don’t try to replace Ledley King’s knee with, say, that of Rio Ferdinand, who we know will not be needing his knee during the tournament. There is also the worry that the body parts will somehow be individually embellished during the tournament, so we must keep a close eye on each one.”

King is said to be “relaxed” about the whole process, despite worries within the England camp that thieves could attempt to steal a vital body part before a game. Criminal groups are believed to be targeting King’s groin, which will be kept under minimum security in Fabio Capello’s hotel room. They believe that King’s groin could be worth “a few quid”, but scientists have claimed that King can play “without the groin” if required. Equally, the England camp has been bombarded with offers of body parts to “pimp” King up in advance of England’s opener against the USA.

“I don’t want to sound racist,” said Farnborough, “but having all these Chinese men hanging around the school gates is beginning to worry me. Dylan Brokeback, a small boy in Year 8, came to me saying he had been offered £3.21 to fall over in the egg and spoon race. What is the world coming to if a small, disadvantaged boy cannot compete properly in the egg and spoon race?”

Brokeback broke down when questioned over the attempted bribe, saying “I usually fall down anyway, so the money was really tempting. It would have doubled my monthly pocket money which I’m saving up to put towards an iPhone, so I really needed this money. Perhaps that’s why they targeted me?”

Year 11 student Cynthia Spritely claimed that she was approached by an Asian gambling syndicate to come last in the javelin and shot-put competitions, despite being the school’s leading light in both disciplines since she joined as a 10-year-old.

“Three Chinese men in shiny grey suits approached me and said that they had an ‘interesting business offer’. Well, I’m doing business studies for GCSE so I thought that it might be useful experience. They took me to the local Starbucks and got me everything I wanted, a skinny latte and a biscuit – said that I was to ‘take a fall’ for them and they’d give me a cut of their winnings. I have to admit, they were talking tens of pounds, so naturally I was interested, but I’m in line for Sports Girl of the Year award, and long-term, that’s of much higher value to me.”

The Asian Gambler’s Association (AGA) defended the gamblers’ right to fix sporting events, saying “there’s nothing else left. We’ve done the football and the Premiership is getting a little, shall we say, predictable”, before launching into a bout of uncontrollable laughter. Having calmed down, the spokesperson continued: “We even started taking bets on the number of bets we would place in a week, and when I discovered that we were even fixing that, I suggested that we branch out into minor sporting events that would go unnoticed, such as county cricket or school sports days.”

The mascots, who are allegedly very popular with children, were caught on tape after having had “one too many martinis” at a post-unveiling ceremony earlier this week. At one point, Wenlock turns to Mandeville and says “don’t you think they all look a bit, well, weird?” to which Mandeville agreed, saying “what’s with this two-eye business? They look like they’ve been drawn by Picasso or something. Blindfolded.”

Raucous laughter ensued as the two mascots continued to mock: “Look at the big ones,” said a joyous Wenlock. “All pink and tubby, and they hardly ever move! I can’t believe someone actually designed these freaks! I tell you what, they’ll never last, they’re just meaningless blobs.”

Mandeville went further: “Actually, they’re an insult. At least we have the decency to put some clothes on – but some of these humans can’t even be bothered to do that – or at least, the clothes they do wear are just shit. I saw one the other day, right, with his pants halfway down his arse. You’d never catch me doing that. What if you get chased? What if there’s a fire? Some of them are bloody idiots.”

Wenlock concluded: “Nothing about these humans actually makes me want to watch the Olympics. We might as well just resign.”

When confronted over their claims, the mascots told reporters that they “knew the microphones were on” and “were just having a bit of fun” with the humans. However, the Daily Shame has uncovered evidence that the mascots are involved in a “human hate campaign” in alliance with Atlanta’s Izzy, World Cup Willie, and Spain 92’s Naranjito, a viciously anti-human orange character who was arrested for hate crimes in 1986, only to be released a year later as he was ‘going mouldy’.

Kaz, Ato and Nik, who represented Japan and Korea when they hosted the World Cup, said that the two Olympic mascots were “foolish” and “new to the game”, adding “when you become a mascot, fame goes to your head. They’ll learn and they’ll just get on with the job eventually… give them time!”