Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Steven Gerrard makes me sick. How is it that a young man, paid by the truckload, thinks he can let down his country and then HAVE SEX? I for one think Steven Gerrard is an absolute disgrace, and he should be showing the country exactly how sorry he is by cutting himself with knives until it really hurts.
Fans of local side Shytte Orthopaedic have called for manager Frankie Acapella to step down after a humiliating defeat in a pre-season friendly against Bayer Arschloch of Germany. Acapella, who is thought to earn a three-figure salary, has resisted calls to resign, but a string of abject performances has left fans furious.
ITV viewers have complained in their droves that they are unable to hear the sound of the South African Vuvuzelas for the sound of cliches dropping like stones from the commentators’ mouths. Clive Tyldesley has come in for heavy criticism after it was revealed that he only communicates in cliche and hyperbole, even when the microphones are off.
The Vuvuzela craze is all set to hit Wimbledon over the next fortnight – and special Vuvuzelas have been made which emit a loud “Come on Timmy!” in homage to Wimbledon favourite Tim Henman. Hundreds of eager tennis fans have already picked up the Wimbledon Vuvuzelas, including Maureen Mittleklaas from Henley-on-Thames.
North Korea has celebrated its victory over Brazil with parties long into the night, and crowds lining the streets to proclaim Kim Jong Il as the “greatest ever leader ever in the history of the world”. The World Cup minnows “beat” Brazil last night 4-0 in one of the greatest “upsets” ever seen.
Madcap French coach Raymond Domenech has revealed that his French side to face Uruguay in the World Cup this week was picked after an in-depth conversation with Hindu God Ganesha. The zany Indian God came to Domenech to warn him of the alignment his ascendent and Uranus, and the inherent dangers of picking Thierry Henry.
England physios have revealed that defender Ledley King is to be “taken apart” and rebuilt after every game in the tournament. The fragile Spurs and England defender will be deconstructed, and each body part will be kept in safe keeping by highly paid security agents.
Local headmaster Buncefield Farnborough has lashed out at Asian gamblers who have allegedly offered bribes to schoolchildren in an attempt to fix the Saint Shytte Secondary School Sports Day, which takes place later this month. Several schoolchildren have come forward saying that they were offered “significant amounts of money” to fail on the day.
Olympic mascots Wenlock and Mandeville are embroiled in scandal after an undercover reporter overheard them laughing and poking fun at humans, calling us ‘two-eyed freaks’.
The ECB has rebuked its Twenty20 cricket squad for “un-English” behaviour at the Twenty20 World Cup in the Caribbean. Lord Petomaine, newly installed head of the ECB, claimed that the team’s constant refusal to lose matches was “an insult to the memory of one-day heroes such as Nasser Hussain, Ian Salisbury, Ian Austin and Derek Pringle.”
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
