The report published today, entitled “Polar Bears are telling lies about climate change”, highlights the lengths polar bears will go to convince us of global warming. Researchers discovered one polar bear whose application for an iceberg extension was repeatedly turned down by the authorities, and consequently posed in a number of photographs looking sad and forlorn for National Geographic magazine. The polar bear, known as “Pete”, is alleged to have received huge payments from National Geographic and climate change activists.

“This Pete character has been taking payments from a number of sources,” claimed Murdoch, “most notably a shady bunch of climate change ‘activists’ who want us to believe that the ice caps are actually melting. Pete lives on a huge iceberg just north of Canada, and he’s been applying for an extension for years.”

“In short,” he continued, “these polar bears are taking the mickey out of us. They try to look all cute and cuddly, but when we approached Pete for a statement, he turned on us and severely mauled one of our junior researchers who is still in a critical condition. So, you see – not only are they crafty, but they’re malicious, too.”

In an apparent riposte to the report, the group “Polar Bears For Change” (PBFC) issued its own report highlighting the plight of the Polar Bear. PBFC’s Chief Bear, Dave, told the Daily Shame: “I remember the good old days when I was growing up, there was ice everywhere. They were great days. My parents had a massive iceberg just off Norway – they saved up for years, and now there’s next to nothing left of it. Nowadays, a Polar Bear considers himself lucky if he’s got 50 square metres of ice and a couple of plates of fish a day, and all those Polar Bears who invested in the good days are all in negative equity. Look at these pictures of really sad bears. Look at them. Look really hard.”

The cost of the spelling mistake has been estimated at £100m, as scientists downed tools and stopped work while they recovered from their bout of laughter. CERN Head of Research Jean Aimarre told reporters that “while it was amusing at the time, we have to acknowledge that fifty people stopping work for two hours has set us back, well, two hours, in our quest to find the Higgs Boson particle.”

“This is unacceptable. We all had a chuckle, and that was great, but we’re not here to have fun. We’re here to work.”

The mistake was spotted early in the morning, shortly after the scientists’ coffee break had ended. Yves Remort, a researcher who has been working on the project since day 1, said “I was merely doing some routine maintenance work when I noticed that someone had written the ‘Hard-on Collider’. Well, I was in tears, I tell you.”

“I called a couple of my colleagues over and they had a look – they were in stitches. Funniest thing we’ve seen in ages. Well, I had no idea that a simple spelling mistake could result in two hours’ downtime!”

Within minutes, the entire CERN institute had downed tools and descended into fits of uncontrollable laughter. Two scientists fell of their chairs, resulting in minor injuries, while one had to leave the institute altogether, returning four hours later unsure of what was so amusing in the first place.

Jean Aimarre continued: “We like to keep things light here at CERN. Searching for the ‘God’ particle might sound like an interesting career path, but in truth, it’s hard work. So every Monday, we start off our day with a ‘how was your weekend’ meeting, and someone once sent round an e-mail that was quite titillating. So yes, we do know how to have fun.”

“Yesterday’s fun, however, got out of hand. I’ve already suspended three researchers who found it so funny, they even built upon the joke, saying they needed a ’stiff’ drink, and asking people if they had got a ‘rise’ recently.”

“While this is an amazing discovery,” admitted Peter Harthnacnut from the University of Shyttehampton, “we have to consider the ethical aspects here – do we really want parents playing God? I admit, if I found out that my unborn baby had, at a very early stage, the traffic warden gene, I would pay good money to have it removed somehow. This could lead to a flood of parents asking to have this gene eliminated in utero. So we’re opening up a whole can of worms.”

“But – and this is a bit but – it could lead to a more wholesome, less irksome and ultimately less despicable lifestyle for the child in question. Our research has uncovered serious bullying at school of those who carry the gene. In fact, that starts with sandpit bullying at a very early age. That is something we really have to consider.”

Genetic historians claim that the traffic warden gene can be traced all the way back to the French middle ages, and a village known as Les Enfoires, where inhabitants were shunned by the rest of society. According to local historical records, the inhabitants of Les Enfoires were “pencil-necked and pinch-nosed, with haletosis and a penchant for snooping on their neighbours”. Local historian Henri Sijemens said that life in 1300s Les Enfoires was “uncomfortable”, with a local militia intent on maintaining a clean society:

“They were really forced into a corner, and therefore forced to in-breed, simply because of their own behaviour,” said Sijemens. “They would impose fines on anyone caught sneezing in public, and woe betide anyone who dumped their toilet waste in the street. There are even records of mothers fining their own children after childbirth. They were quite happy to fine their own families, or even other members of the militia, and we thought that the gene had died out in the 1500s when everyone in the village was refusing to talk to each other. However, it seems some broke free, lay dormant for a couple of centuries and polluted the gene pool – potentially with the arrival of the Huguenots.”

“Many people think that the traffic warden gene is inherently French, but it’s definitely much more specific than that. It’s a special kind of French.”

Prospective parents, however, are hopeful that the breakthrough discovery can lead to a happier future for their children. Andrea and Charles Spittlehead from Shytte-on-Sea in Norfolk claim that they will “do anything” to prevent their offspring from becoming traffic wardens:

“We wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves if he turned out to be a traffic warden, and we’d turned down the possibility of doing something about it,” said Charles. “This discovery means we can take action before it’s too late.”

“It’s like watching all four Die Hard films in a row,” said friend Professor Alain Tropfort, head of Rocket Science at MIT in Boston. “I did that once, and instead of leaving my apartment by the front door, which I do 999 times out of a 1000, I jumped out of the window, did a triple roll-over in the street, drop-kicked a granny in the chin, and I’m still paying the compensation today.”

He shuddered before continuing: “So you can imagine how Stephen feels this morning after watching the Daleks invade Earth about twenty times, the Cybermen – both Mondus and alternative world versions – invading and killing people, and then you’ve got the Silurians and the Sea Devils, and all these things flying through the skies. I’d be pretty shaken by it. He really shouldn’t have been left alone with the remote control, frankly.”

Hawking allegedly started his Doctor Who marathon with William Hartnell, before moving on to his favourite, Jon Pertwee, who he calls more of a “kick-ass” Doctor. A huge fan of the Unit days with the Brigadier, Hawking went through every Pertwee episode before zig-zagging through the disappointing early McCoy days, some Troughton and then some Tom and Colin Baker.

“He’s much more of an old-school Whovian,” said Tropfort. “All that hugging, crying and kissing of recent years is not his thing. About one hour after an episode with Billie Piper, he had managed to compose a rather eloquent rant about how they should stick to saving the Earth from aliens, not snogging.”

Having spent the Sunday afternoon watching the Peter Davison episodes, Hawking apparently became ever more convinced that Earth was about to be attacked by an alien life form “sooner rather than later”, telling friends that “thank GOD we’ve got the Doctor, otherwise we’d be f-cked.”

Next week, Hawking has promised friends that he will keep his feet on the ground, having scheduled an entire weekend watching Last of the Summer Wine.

Doctors at the Los Angeles Institute for Randy Males (LAIR) say that the first-of-its-kind operation only has a 50% chance of success. The libido of a 19-year-old boy will be transplanted into Michael Douglas’s body tomorrow afternoon, and surgeons are praying that the body will accept it.

“Basically,” said Doctor Lechworth, “we’re looking at a 50-50 type situation here. The libido can be extracted from the 19-year-old boy, leaving him with a zero percent chance of having any kind of mojo whatsoever for the rest of his life, and inserted into Douglas’s groinal area. From that point onwards, we’re entering unknown territory and we hope the Gods are with us. We have absolutely no idea if the operation is going to work or not – we’ve never done it before – but hey, if it does, we expect the queues to stretch around the block.”

Douglas appreciates the risks, and the possible side-effects that result from a libido transplant. Doctors have warned him that his body may reject the libido entirely, leaving him in a drooling, near-comatose state for weeks. Alternatively, the boy’s libido may stimulate what is left of Douglas’s own libido, effectively leaving him with a double mojo effect that surgeons claim could be “disastrous”.

“The double mojo is something that we’re all hoping to avoid. The results could be catastrophic. In theory, Michael could go rampant, developing a sex drive that is beyond anything we have seen, even in Italy. We’ve advised the police of this potentially dangerous situation and they have promised us that in the case of a double mojo event happening, they will dedicate extra resource to restraining Douglas.”

The 19-year-old boy whose libido will enter Michael Douglas tomorrow is 98-kilo fat-boy Connor Scabric, from San Diego. Connor says that he is “delighted” that his libido will be helping Michael Douglas to have at least one final poke at Zeta-Jones, saying “I’d have no chance doing it on my own.” He continued: “So long as my libido remains within me, it’s wasted, basically. I do get this twitching feeling down there, but I have no idea what it looks like, or what it’s capable of. Heck, man, I like the ladies, but I’ve got to accept that I ain’t going to get it on with Zeta-Jones unless I donate my libido to someone who can.”

Scabric’s parents are delighted with their son’s lifestyle choice. Father Caleb says “the good Lord meant for Michael Douglas to have my son’s libido. And there’s plenty of it. Only last week we discovered some dirty magazines hidden under his bed, and we did ask Connor if he wanted just a partial libido transplant – he said no, he was happy to donate the full libido.”

“To think that Michael Douglas is finally going to be able to get it back on with Zeta-Jones, well… we’re so happy we’re able to help.”

“This is great for disease customers,” said Anthrax CEO Bertram Bedridden at a press launch yesterday. “In a market saturated with choice, Anthpox will provide consumers with a value-added disease that really does maximise potential, leveraging synergies where other diseases don’t. Our aim is to improve consumer disease decisioning through facilitated disease delivery through point of sale mechanisms.”

Smallpox CEO Jim Overload told shareholders that the newly created disease would rival Ebola, adding that “it’s going to be the first truly democratic disease – anyone can get it. In fact, it’s going to be the coolest disease ever – we’ve maximised our press coverage, leveraged the benefits of the social web and harmonised our disease delivery mechanisms going forward. Basically, if you haven’t had Anthpox, you’re gonna want it.”

While few actually understood what the two CEOs were talking about, fans have been clamouring to get their hands on the new disease, with many queuing up overnight to get their first shot. Those lucky ones who had been waiting all night were to receive a special “Anthpox” T-shirt, as well as branded syringes, plasters and eye patches.

Smallpox fan and general nobody Barry Wangler was stood in line for 36 hours, but claims it’s worth it, saying “I haven’t actually had Smallpox or Anthrax, but they’re kinda cool and I’m really interested in, like, stuff that does stuff, like, you know, make your eyes pop out or, like, kill you, you know.”

The disease is also the first of its kind to receive sponsorship, with rock band Hootie & The Blowfish penning the official Anthpox song, and Britney Spears set to appear in the TV advert alongside Barney the Dinosaur, with the catchphrase “Anthpox Rocks!”

“I’m getting it next week,” beamed a jubilant Spears. “I’m particularly looking forward to the second phase of the disease where you go all green and your limbs start to fall off. I’ve always loved the colour green.”

The report shows that syphilites, as they are known, “go crazy” for Facebook, and may infect other users by simply activating the “poke” button. Sir Edward Wartcock from the International Syphilitic Institute (ISI) said that “Facebook users are at horrible, horrible risk of seeing their genitals shrink to almost nothing just by being poked by someone with syphilis. In fact, by merely accepting a friend request from someone with the disease, you are 300 times more likely to contract it than by having intercourse.”

“Our research also found that Twitter causes gonorrhea, and that Myspace causes genital warts. People who tweet more than 5 times a day are at severe risk, while Myspace users, well they’re both OK for now, but we’ll see about the genital warts.”

Syphilite Hugo Barbaric-Smith said that he has so far resisted the urge to join Facebook, adding that “some of my syphilitic friends have succombed, but I know the risks, and I’ve held myself back. Doctors say that if I do take up Facebook, not only am I putting others at risk, but I’m putting myself at risk – at risk of wasting enormous amounts of time, and at risk of finding out that my friends are doing nothing of any consequence. Already, two of my friends from Syhpil-us, a support group I go to every Wednesday, have joined Facebook, and they’ve turned into mouth-frothing, inane loons who always find an excuse not to go out. Frankly, I’m fine with just the STD, thanks.”

Doctors have warned syphilites not to turn computers on, and to minimise the risks by avoiding mobile phones with inbuilt Facebook applications. GP and syphilis expert Rosemary Mabite-Faitmal said “always wash your keyboard and mouse if you really do have to use your computer, and if you absolutely, really do have to use Facebook – wear surgical gloves and try to avoid poking others.”

“People think it’s glamorous,” said Head of Feline Drug Research, Mr Tiddles. “But catnip is a killer, just like methodrone, LSD and dogs. Or at least, it could be. As cats, we need to keep our heads clear so that we can focus on more feline activities, like trying to murder our owners or persuading them to give us more food. A cat on catnip is a useless cat – he just lolls around like some drug-addled feline lunatic, and we can’t have that.”

“We’re calling for a total ban on catnip,” he continued. “Otherwise the collapse of cat civilisation as we know it is imminent.”

However, young cats have called for the drug to be freely available over the counter. Cat nightclub owner and catnip dealer, Furball, told reporters that “we all love a bit of catnip every now and again – and it’s purely recreational. We advocate moderate use of meow as we call it here. Making it illegal will only take it underground.”

Catnip-taker Mong Mong, from number 31, said that he “just loved that minty tang”, adding that “I just can’t get enough of it. That first lick – the first sniff – there’s nothing like it in the world. It’s like you take your best ever orgasm and multiply it by 10,000 and you’re still nowhere near. Then you rub yourself with a bit of catnip, roll over and you’re gone – far gone – in a world where nothing else matters but the enjoyment of catnip.

“Oh, man, I wrote a poem about it last week. That feeling of floating through a pink and yellow sky, with rivers of milk and Kitekat that grows on trees – it just takes you away from the mundane, every day, feline existence that we all have to endure – the eating, the sleeping, the eating, the sleeping, the never-ending cycle of eat, sleep, eat, sleep – and you can live – just live, man.”

However, Charliepoohs, who works at the Feline Rehabilitation Centre at number 12, claims that catnip is ruining lives: “I’ve had cats in here asking to be saved – they’re hooked on the stuff and can’t ween themselves off it. They think it’s glamorous – the young cats immediately associate it with being a cool cat, but they soon find out that despite it being a ‘legal high’, it’s more of a ‘low’. So they come here for help – eventually we give them a catnip patch, and we let them know that support is available 24/7, 365 days a year. We don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“Mong Mong has been in and out of here more times than I care to mention,” he continued. “He’s always down at Furball’s, smoking the stuff or just drinking it in tea. We thought he was over the worst of it, but he’s chosen catnip instead of choosing life. Sometimes, there’s nothing we can do. It breaks my heart, it really does.”

“It’s a huge step forward”, explained Ricardo Ballcock, editor of the Lancet. “Da Lancet 4 Kidz is really going to set us apart from all those other medical journals like, uhh… that one… thingy. It’s a chance for us to talk to the scientists of tomorrow, the doctors of the future, if you will. And yes, it does feature a regular column from Rainbow’s Zippy on Genitourinary cancer – that’s just something Zippy has wanted to get off his chest for a long time.”

The magazine leads off with a feature on “Autizm”, called “Be nice 2 da autiztic kidz”, which gives ten good reasons to be nice to children who have autism, and explains the link between MMR and Autism in cartoon form. A hastily added endnote to the cartoon states “dis mite not b true”.

“This is clearly in bad taste”, explained the editor in chief of the British Medical Journal, Tony O’Grandcock. “A feature on randomized drug trials that is told by Barney the Dinosaur is just plain dumbing down. And frankly, why they think children need to know about irritable bowel disease is beyond me – especially when it happens to Paddington Bear!”

Children, however, appear to love the new magazine. Tarquin Rupert Haverstockford-West, aged 9, from Henley-on-Thames, said that he was “overjoyed” to read the short story about Sleeping Beauty and the Coronary artery bypass surgery compared with percutaneous coronary interventions for multivessel disease: “I think it’s ace”, he beamed. “I’m going to get daddy to buy it for me every month. I especially liked the bit where one of the seven dwarves contracts ischaemic heart disease. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.”

Ballcock said that kids everywhere will love the new magazine, saying “we’re even going to release a YouTube channel where kids can sing along to songs like ‘I Left My Chronic Pancreatic Cancer in San Francisco’ and ‘Do the Venous Thromboembolism Dance’. It’s a whole new market, and none of them are ever going to sue us if we cock this one up.”

“Just one of her outfits produces more carbon emissions than a flight from Helsinki to Vancouver”, said leading scientist Ralph Quornbake, who has spent the last six months watching nothing but Lady Gaga videos. “In fact, all this talk of climate change coincides rather neatly with the ascendancy of this miniature pop star. Have you seen the amount of plastic that goes into making just one outfit? That’ll just end up in China in a junk yard with the rest of her clothes.”

“In short, Lady Gaga is perhaps the most dangerous thing on the planet right now, short of a major earthquake or tsunami.”

Lady Gaga, who was unavailable for comment, allegedly ships all of her discarded outfits on a tanker to China where they are hacked up and left to rot, producing dangerous greenhouse damages. As many of them are non-biodegradable, they will cause the planet irreperable damage. Chinese children play on the “Gaga Wastelands”, as they are now known, and can be found playing games with radioactive shoulder-pads, and hide-and-seek in a pair of boots.

Indeed, the phenomenon in China has reached such proportions that crack squads of highly trained professionals are being called in to defuse items of her clothing. Fi Lin Xiq of the Gaga Response Unit (GRU) heads a team of Gaga Disposal Experts in Shanghai, and told the Daily Shame that “last week, we found a pair of knickers that had such a magnetic force on them, they were pulling in cutlery from 20 miles away. It was quite a scene, with knives and forks and spoons flying from all directions. Why didn’t we just stick to bamboo chopsticks instead of this westernised cutlery rubbish?”

Quornbake concluded that there is hope: “There are solutions for Lady Gaga – at least on this issue. She could have her clothes broken up and recycled. For example, we’ve found that one outfit alone could provide twenty African children with shelter, and the firework nipples could provide warmth for the homeless people on the streets of London. All she has to do is think outside the box.”

A spokesman for Lady Gaga said that they were looking into ways of rationalising her outfits, but countered that “we employ over 500 people just to create one outfit – just think about the boost that’s giving to the economy. Has anyone mentioned that? All of these people that would be scrubbing around on the floor looking for pennies in desperation and we’re giving them good, honest work.”