Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
The government committee set up to investigate global warming has accused Polar Bears of “exaggerating” the melting of the ice caps. Rupert Murdoch, who kindly volunteered to head up the commission, said “there is startling evidence that polar bears have been putting on a bit of a show.”
Work on the giant Hadron Collider ceased for two hours yesterday after an eagle-eyed researcher spotted a spelling mistake that sent fellow scientists into uncontrollable laughter.
Scientists claim to have isolated a gene unique to traffic wardens. The discovery of the “traffic warden” gene has been hailed as “remarkable” by the genetics community, and could lead to parental pre-natal choice to help their children avoid growing up into traffic wardens.
Friends of boffin Stephen Hawking have admitted that his Doctor Who marathon weekend was “probably not a good idea” and may have clouded his judgement
Michael Douglas is set to enter hospital next week for a revolutionary libido transplant. The 92-year-old actor, who is married to Welsh actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, is said to be “hopeful” that the transplant will give him a new lease of life in the bedroom.
Anthrax and Smallpox have announced a merger that will extend their disease coverage significantly, making them the third largest disease in the world. The new disease, which will be known as Anthpox, will be released onto the market in Q1 2011, and its creators hope it will kill thousands.
Syphilis sufferers are “100 times more likely” to use Facebook than sufferers of other sexually transmitted diseases, according to a spurious report commissioned by The Sun and the Telegraph. The diseased hordes are apparently “hell-bent” on connecting with others, poking people and clicking on the “likes this” button.
Senior felines have called for a crackdown on cat drug “catnip” after two more teenage cats were found in a near-comatose state, frothing at the mouth. The drug, otherwise known as “yeehaw” or “meow” has reached alarming levels of popularity, with sales of nepeta cataria rocketing.
Fresh from the MMR/Autism scandal, the medical journal The Lancet is embroiled in further controversy after allegations were made of “dumbing down”. The journal is seeking to expand its audience by unveiling a new magazine “Da Lancet 4 Kidz”, written almost entirely in text-speak.
Scientists have issued warnings that the continuing popularity of Lada Gaga could be causing the planet “serious, horrible damage” with “untold, wretched consequences”. The report, published by some magazine or other, states that the bizarrely-clad pop vixen is even more dangerous than fossil fuels and the melting of the ice caps put together.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
