Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Residents of Heaven have voiced concerns over the growing trend for commercial sponsorship in the Kingdom of God. Archangel Gabriel told the Daily Shame that “paradise is beginning to lose its soul”.
Local priest Connor O’Bullocks is tonight in hiding after admitting that he had a thing for legal-age women. Hordes of angry church-goers have picketed his house with signs saying “get this pervert out” and “we’ll have no hetero clergy skirt-lifters round here thanks”.
A senior cardinal has admitted that last week’s attack on the Pope was a staged “insurance scam”, prepared for meticulously by Pope Benedict himself. Cardinal Stronzo di Natale of Genoa said that he was approached by the Pope’s henchman last week to play a part in the prepared scenario which would net the pontiff several thousand pounds in insurance claims.
A group of Anglican extremists have attacked Cackwater shopping centre in Gutborough. There are no casualties, although several people are reported to be “quite confused”.
Sinners have hit out at plans to close Hell for six weeks due to renovations. The plans, drawn up by Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, are said to be “spicy” and “fun”, but have been met with widespread alarm by many. “Where are we meant to go?” asked fraudster Nigel “Fingers” Winchester. “Hell is my home, and uncomfortable is it is, no plans have been made to re-house us during this period. I mean, sure, there’s Milton Keynes, but I’ve been there on my last three holidays and I’m not going back.”
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
