“Normally I use star signs,” admitted Domenech, “but I’d dozed off the other day after a particularly gruelling session with my runes, and this fella with the face of an elephant and loads of arms pops up, as if by magic. Well, I had to take notice. He kept saying to me ‘Raymond, you nonce, have you not noticed that your ascendent is in Uranus?’ Well, he seemed to find that very funny, but then went on the imply that because of this particular planetary alignment, I couldn’t select Thierry Henry.”

Domenech went on to explain that his entire team selection was guided by his conversation with Ganesha, who turns out to be quite a football enthusiast: “He told me that Franck Ribery must play due to the closeness to the summer solstice, and that Nicolas Anelka must start up front because his chakras are at their most aligned in June. However, I am somewhat bound by FIFA regulations, and I could not bring back Patrick Viera, despite his claims that he absolutely must play.”

However, it is the non-selection of Henry due to planetary influences that has caused the biggest stir. Henry himself is said to be “livid” at being made to sat on the bench, while fellow strike partner Djibril Cisse is said to be “confused” at being told he must play in goal due to being a Capricorn. Most of the French team refuse to partake in Domenech’s bizarre pre-match teamtalks which involve Buddhist chanting and readings of Tarot cards.

Ganesha told reporters yesterday that he was “only trying to be helpful”, adding “I’m Indian, so technically I’m neutral. But I’ve always had a soft spot for les bleus. So the other day, I thought I’d pop over to Raymond’s, have a chat, tell him what I thought. I’ve got some quite wacky ideas on how he can beat Uruguay, for example, by lighting some incense sticks in the middle of the pitch – that’ll stop Diego Forlan. Also, you can confuse their centre forwards by throwing rose petals in their pre-match cup of tea. See? Loads of good ideas. That’s why I’m a God.”

Three more charitable acts were reported yesterday, bringing the total number of SBO’s (Social Behaviour Orders) to 50 over the month of May. Persistent offenders have been told that they face expulsion from Hell.

“Listen, we all like to muck around every now and again,” said the Dark Lord in an interview last night on ITV with best friend, Piers Morgan. “But there’s a fine line between having a bit of fun and being a do-gooder. Only yesterday, I had to intervene directly when one sinner tried to pull another out of the River Styx. What is the underworld coming to? You fall in the River Styx, you stay in the River Styx. That’s the way it’s been for tens of thousands of millenea, and all of a sudden, that changes?”

“You come to hell, you play by the rules. That’s the way it’s always been, and if I have to start enforcing the rules, then so be it.”

Having already established SBO’s, Satan has created the “Anti-Charitable Police Force”, with an aim to preventing charity before it arises. However, much of their work so far has been reactive rather than proactive. Head of the ACPF, Eugene Terreblanche, says that “we’re just going round stopping bastards from helping each other out. Only the other day, we found one man who has been lending money to ‘friends’. We beat him up, of course. And then we beat up the people who stopped by to ‘ask how he was’. We need to be tough on charity, but we need time to be tough on the causes of charity.”

Many in Hell believe that the lifting on immigration restrictions is the root cause of the rise in SBO’s being handed out. Charon, whose boat service on the River Styx is ‘creaking under the weight’, says “immigrants are coming here for the warm weather and jobs, but there aren’t any jobs no more, and I tell you what – warm weather gets a bit boring after a while. We need to tighten immigration quickly, otherwise people are going to carry on being nice to each other, and little by little, our very identity is going to get eroded.”

Analysts are already worried that the Lord will use his temporary period in charge to rush through a number of pro-Christian measures, from compulsory bible reading in schools and workplaces, through to an all-out war on Islam. However, interim Chancellor, Archangel Gabriel, sought to reassure voters that everything would be ‘as normal’, and that people “should be bloody grateful”.

He continued: “Actually, we ran this country for years until you discovered democracy, and technically, the Queen reports to us anyway. If you look at any wealth and happiness index from back then, compare it to now, you’ll see we were doing a much better job. I’m confident that in the years to come, this interregnum will be seen as one of the most positive, fulfilling periods in British history.”

The markets, however, have reacted unfavourably, with the pound dropping against the loaf of bread and trading floors panicking over rumours that God plans to replace the pound with ‘a system of trust and compassion’. Trader Marcus Rawdeal said that God has repeatedly failed to deliver in the past, and doesn’t see it being any different this time round:

“Where’s he been for 2000 years? I mean, despite repeated pleas, he hasn’t shown his face for ages. And frankly, can you trust a man who turns a blind eye to famine in Ethiopia and oil slicks and wotnot, and then says ‘oh hang on, I think I’ll have a go at running the British economy’.. sorry, it doesn’t work with me, and it doesn’t work with the markets. He’s going to have to work miracles to turn this one around.”

God’s manifesto, however, received the backing of Archbishop Oswald Punchbag, who declared it a “victory for religious maniacs all over the UK”, adding “none of the main political parties has ever had the forethought to punish adultery by stoning, and I don’t see either Labour or the Conservatives replacing libel laws with a system of ‘turning the other cheek’. Perhaps the Liberals would, so there might be room for a coalition there. Personally, I’m overjoyed that God is proposing a great flood in run-down council estates. That way we really can purge this country of irreligious filth.”

One potential roadblock to God’s seizing of control would be the Dark Lord Satan, who has already declared that he could form a minority interim government by offering sweeteners to Nationalists who he says “would sell their souls for nationhood”.

“I’ve been unhappy with some of the recent line up changes within the church in the past couple of years and I no longer feel that my contribution is being taken seriously. It’s been a hard decision to make and I truly feel for the fans, but at the end of the day, which of course I gavest, you have to go where your heart takes you. There’s also the kiddy fondling stuff. I’m not down with that.”

Early reaction from the Vatican has been scathing. “Holy” Joe Ratzinger, Christ’s manager and image consultant today said “this is not exactly unexpected. Jesus has this idea that its all about him. He doesn’t have a Scooby about what goes into the promotion of a current and relevant deity. He has no idea of what it takes to promote a monotheistic, tri-representational, non-interventionist presence in this modern world of Youtube and suicide bombers for Allah.

“He has coasted on past successes… sure, loaves and fishes and raising the dead were good for the time and what the punters wanted but I can’t get him bookings with that alongside the likes of Derren Brown these days, let alone someone like Abu Hamza or one of the top Islam guys. He has to shit or get off the pot”

Reaction amongst the faithful to early leakage of this news has been at best lukewarm. Ricky Dawkins, a noted religious commentator who has been an outspoken critic of Christ’s material told our reporter “Jesus…? His early stuff showed promise, although a lot of it reminded me of Cat Stevens…but he just has no relevance today amongst the kids. I mean, his first release, the New Testament was an interesting concept piece but there was no sequel! How long are the public expected to wait?”

In his defence, Christ cites mismanagement by the Vatican, and “Holy” Joe in particular; “Take my promotion in Ireland for example… a good crowd and always receptive to my output but for fucks sake I didn’t expect “Suffer Little Children” to be taken so literally by the pluggers and PR guys!”

This formed part of a controversial EP of material released in Ireland which also included  “I am the Way”   “This is My Body” and  “Let me Come Unto You”  “I couldn’t get a support slot with Gary Glitter in Dublin with PR like that… thanks for nothing Holy Joe!”

Ratzinger remains unrepentant. “He has to realise that the fans need more these days from their religion..all this repentance and forgiveness is old hat!! Catholics have moved on… they need new fresh stuff that reflects the times… things that are important to people. They see the kind of things that are put out by other artists such as beheading for adultery, clitoral excision, forced marriages and think.. it’s new… it’s relevant… why dwell on the old stuff? Confession and reparation is so yesterday! Jesus has had his day.”

Catholicism, then, begins the search for a new spiritual leader, and Jeremy Clarkson is in the front seat. While Clarkson has denied any links with the Catholic church, his Mercedes has been seen parked outside the Vatican, and sources close to the Pope say that his popularity in Poland could be a “boon” for the Church.

Dutch virus expert Herr Phillip Menke told the Daily Shame that the virus could cause “split seconds of annoyance” to users, adding that “most users probably won’t notice it, but those who do will be somewhat miffed.”

The virus has baffled many experts, who have noticed that after leaving two or three short messages, it apologises to the user and uninstalls itself, leaving absolutely no trace on the user’s computer. In fact, in some cases, a mutated version of the worm has actually left several messages of apology, de-fragmented the user’s hard drive, corrected problems in the registry, and offered to make a cup of tea.

Menke continued: “We’ve had dealings with Anglican extremists before, and we take them very seriously. Only last month, we had to severely reprimand a vicar for spamming people with messages saying “come to church or I shall cry” and “accept Jesus was right or I’ll beat my pulpit moderately”. It’s amazing. Since they’ve learned to use computers, they’ve become strangely active.”

Only last week, extremist vicar Terrence Godbotherer-Jones posted a chilling message on video website Youtube threatening a “war of mild panic” against those who refuse to follow the Anglican faith. Dressed in a balaclava and his usual vicar’s attire, Godbotherer-Jones told viewers: “Our cause is a just one, and we shall deny tea and cake to those who refuse to come to our poetry evening next Wednesday. We may even ignore them when we see them in the street. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.”

Several Anglican extremists thought to be linked to Godbotherer-Jones were seen fleeing a tea room last week after leaving threatening pamphlets advising people to “at least try Church once”. Terrified tea drinkers were offered counselling and free cakes. One witness said that “they scare me, these Anglican extremists. One minute they’re sat there having a cup of tea, and the next they’re looking menacingly at you as if you’ve never been to church in your life. This woman with blue hair – she got up out of her chair as if she had a bomb strapped to her waist, grabbed her walking frame as if she was about to use it as a weapon and I thought – that’s it – I’m a goner. She slammed the pamphlet down on a table and legged it.”

Terrorist experts say that they are making progress in inflitrating Godbotherer-Jones’ terrorist training camp in Little Shytte. Head of the Anglican Terrorism Unit Brian Wardrobe-Freshener said that “already we’ve sent in undercover agents and have found some quite shocking evidence of future terror campaigns. We managed to prevent a heinous plan to replace the tea room’s sugar with salt, but this move to cyber terrorism is a real shock to us. We had no idea they knew how to even switch the computers on!”

The boy, 12-year-old Piper Brownsocks from Bromley, is currently grounded by his parents as school governers attempt to persuade teachers to get back onto the path of God.

The incident took place during a school debate on the New Testament got “out of hand”. As Piper veered off-script, one teacher ran onto the stage, but was rugby-tackled by other teachers who were “keen to hear” what the youngster had to say.

“It was such a convincing argument,” said teacher Belinda Purvey. “When he started explaining how notions of God – or Gods – had changed over the millenia, and that basically, our religion is just an offshoot of Judaism, which is all made-up anyway, well – I thought – what have I been doing with my life?”

“I mean, I’d always wondered about the Old Testament anyway, all that burning fire and Yahweh stuff didn’t really make much sense – and Piper just blew it all out of the water. Now I’ll have my Sunday mornings clear so I can have a lie-in, and I’ve got Piper to thank for that.”

Fellow classmates were quick to follow Piper’s lead and reject the path of God. “I didn’t believe in Darwinism until yesterday,” admitted Sally Funicular, age 11. “But when you think about it – it makes sense, and we’re just evolved cells that live and die and there’s nothing before and there’s nothing after. You can either get depressed about it or you can just live your life and enjoy it. That’s what I intend to do, by going shopping with my parents’ credit cards.”

Indeed, the sudden abandoning of religion in favour of hardline atheism has caught many off-guard. “What are we going to teach?” mused newly liberated headmaster Gerard Canewielder. “All these years, I’ve been teaching doctrine until it came out of my ears – and Piper’s right – it’s just doctrine. Mumbo Jumbo designed for another century as a softly softly Judaism for the gentiles and then twisted and twisted and twisted – well, you get the picture. We all agree with Piper now and all these textbooks are worthless. Thank you Tony Bloody Blair and your faith schools.”

“Perhaps we’ll read Lord of the Flies or something. I don’t know any more.”

The parents of Piper Brownsocks released a terse statement last night, saying “Piper is a very naughty boy, and we’re sure he deeply regrets what is clearly a temporary toying with atheism. We’ll be sending him back to school to apologise and reaffirm the Catholic faith. In the meantime, he can say a couple of hail maries and everything will be OK.”

“It’s been a long time,” said the deity, “and perhaps Christianity needs a new CEO. Nothing’s set in stone as yet, but I’ve been approached by Buddhists to take on an advisory role within the religion. In my advancing years, this could be exactly the kind of work I should be doing. Nothing too strenuous, but well-paid and spiritually rewarding.”

“I always had a soft spot for the Buddhists”, he continued. “They’re mostly pretty quiet dudes, and I just love those saffron-coloured robes.”

Christians are worried that a vaccuum at the top of the religion could create in-fighting with ambitious Archangel Gabriel known to harbour dreams of one day running the show. Archbishop Nigel Wetsock told reporters that “God has done well by us Christians for many years – well, some of them – and having a new guy in charge will be tough for everyone. I mean, he’ll want to establish his own rules, get his own people in – I mean, where does this leave Jesus?”

Shytte-on-Sea’s local vicar Tony McRaypiste said that he would be “devastated” if God does leave, and would return to paganism: “It might be a good opportunity for a change. I mean, yes, I’d be devastated, but I’m running out of sermons here, and it’s ages since God even spoke to us, you know, properly. I’d advocate a return to the old ways, you know, pre-God.”

A number of key Christians have left the religion since the turn of the millenium. Saint Peter, who used to man the Pearly Gates, resigned at the earliest moment possible and joined Hinduism, where he maintains a low-key role as a secretary to Ganesha. “I was stuck out there every day,” said Peter, “and all those cut-backs meant that I had no staff to help me. So I’m hardly surprised that God is thinking of a switch – it’s a long time to be in any role. Now I’m in Ganesha’s office, I may have a lowly role but I get 25 days’ holiday a year and life’s really good fun – Ganesha’s always bounding around the office, bumping into things and having a laugh. Christianity used to be fun in the early days, but then it got all serious. Those Puritans pretty much took the life out of it. I’m much better off here.”

The most famous defection was John the Baptist, who abandoned Christianity for a little-known sect worshipping a man called “Guru Pete”. The sect, the Latter Day Peteists, believe that the earth is actually made of jelly and will be eaten by aliens from the planet Zarg unless everyone gives them beans.

A spokesman for Buddha said that they are “actively seeking” to get God on board, but only if he “sorts out this holy trinity thing” once and for all. “There’s a lot of confusion about whether Jesus is God, God is Jesus, and who’s the holy ghost? We’re looking to get God as soon as we can, but this holy trinity thing really does have to be resolved before we can talk contractuals.”

The belated response comes as a relief to many Jesus fans who had all but given up on a response from the son of God, who is also known as God himself in some quarters. In a blog post shortly after his tweet, Jesus developed on his thoughts, saying “Bigger than me? I created a religion of my own, and all these hippy scouse popsters did was write some catchy tunes and, time will tell, bring down communism through the power of music. Ergo, I am deffo much bigger than they ever were, are, or ever will be. Look at Latin America – they bloody worship me now over there. It took a while, lol.”

Anglican Pastor Nigel Nigellson defended the Messiah’s lateness of reply: “Well, I think he’s God as well as Jesus, and God’s omnipresence is very much overrated – you can be everywhere, but you can’t do everything at once! He probably had a huge backlog of e-mails or something, and he’s a very busy man. Some might criticise him for not doing enough, but the fact that he’s actually responding to the Beatles is proof that he’s definitely in touch with the people.”

Sources in heaven say that John Lennon is “fuming” that Jesus hadn’t been in touch personally, but Ringo Starr led the rebuttal to the rebuttal by saying that “we lasted longer than Jesus, and we branched out more than he ever did. Look at me – Thomas the Tank Engine – I mean, Jesus has almost zero brand recognition with kids. And look at Sir Paul McCartney – he’s still living off Beatles songs even today! So we’re well bigger than him.”

Marketing brand experts are believed to be in constant contact with Jesus whose brand recognition in the UK is currently lower than some of the guests in Celebrity Big Brother. “Jesus recognises that this could be a long-term issue”, says marketer Hugo Rawdeal. “The UK is basically a no-go zone for him at the moment, and that’s something we’re working on. In fact, more people seem to recognise the Prophet Mohammed, who has a huge marketing budget that we just can’t compete with. But we’re hopeful of a revival.”

Jesus, who recently updated his Facebook status to “bigger than the Beatles”, says that he is “hoping for a comeback” one day, and that he has given up on achieving any kind of popularity with the Jews. In a recent blog post, he said “Not sure what I have 2 do 2 convince that lot, but hey, peace to all men and all that ROFL.”

The worries come after a spate of sponsorship announcements were made, including a plan to replace the pearly gates with a golden “M”, renaming them “McDonalds Pearly Gates”. Gate operator Peter said that he welcomed most forms of income, but this one really took this biscuit:

“I’ve been working here for millenia and it’s always been Saint Peter’s Pearly Gates. That’s what it’s known as, and you can’t change that. Now I’m expected to welcome people after they die and offer them a 10% off voucher at the local McDonalds on Cloud 33.”

Another aspect up for sponsorship is “the light”, which people are thought to see when they are on their way to Heaven. This will now be known as “The Coca-Cola Light”, and will be accompanied by piped music promoting the brand.

“It’s madness”, said Archangel Gabriel. “We’re now meant to wear Foot Locker t-shirts and smile at people, asking them if they’re having a nice day. Of course they’re having a nice day, they’re in heaven, that’s what it’s all about. Everyone has nice days, every day. Why should I have to even ask the question? Lunacy, I tell you.”

“And what’s all this cack about advertising billboards on each cloud? My own cloud is being reshaped into a Liberty Bell sign as we speak. And you can imagine how confusing that must be for any non-American angels.”

A spokesman for God, or as he is now known, “God, sponsored by Motorola”, told the Daily Shame that the loosening of immigration laws had created overcrowding in heaven, and new ways had to be found to pay for the increase in population:

“God sponsored by Motorola may be omnipresent and all that, but he himself created the saying ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’. It doesn’t. Leaves do. How else are we meant to pay for the new cloud developments that are meant to house all these new angels? Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ has even had to go back to work to earn some more money. He’s doing a stint on Top Gear.”

“It’s disgusting”, said church-goer Mary Shitpatrick. “To think that the dirty old lech is watching my arse as I leave the church is just wrong. He should be eyeing up the choirboys instead like a normal priest. I’ve been going to this church for years and the thought just makes me shiver. I’ll be converting to Buddhism or something now.”

The crisis was sparked when O’Bullocks, a single man in his forties, admitted to The Gutborough Gazette that he was straight, and looking for a ‘good woman’. At the time, it seemed an innocent, throwaway remark that might curry him a little favour with the community, but it has sparked an all-out revolt against the priest whose position is now considered untenable.

As the papers hit the newsstands, disgusted residents voiced their concerns by organising impromptu coffee mornings and whispering in hushed tones that “something has to be done about the woman-loving freak in the vicarage”. O’Bullocks was initially shunned by residents, but things started getting out of hand when he was spotted having a laugh and a joke with village bike Shirley Gigglesmack.

Archbishop Desmond O’Deir said that the Church had been aware of O’Bullocks’ behaviour for some time now, and that the latest developments were “really bad press for the church”. He continued: “This is not what we want to be known for. A priest fancying women of a legal age? I mean, fancying women is bad enough, but of a legal age? There’s something really fishy about O’Bullocks and we’ll be discussing excommunication and other such things. Maybe then we can get a real priest in Gutborough.”

The graffiti daubed on the side of O’Bullocks’ house proclaims “hands off our women”. It may be some time before O’Bullocks returns.