Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Madcap French coach Raymond Domenech has revealed that his French side to face Uruguay in the World Cup this week was picked after an in-depth conversation with Hindu God Ganesha. The zany Indian God came to Domenech to warn him of the alignment his ascendent and Uranus, and the inherent dangers of picking Thierry Henry.
A spate of charitable acts in the kingdom of Satan has resulted in a crackdown from the Dark Lord himself. Satan yesterday pledged to do his utmost to bring to a halt this ‘worrying trend’.
The Lord has seized control of the United Kingdom, saying that even he has had enough of “all this indecision bollocks”. In an unprecedented move, the CEO of Christianity declared interim leadership of the UK, saying “you can have it back when you’ve sorted yourselves out”.
In a shock announcement today, Jesus Christ, leader of over 150 million Catholic followers announced that he was leaving the Catholic Church. A press release, issued through his representative on Earth, Max Clifford, cited his reasons as “artistic differences”.
Anglican extremists today stepped up their campaign of terror by unleashing a computer virus that infects the computers of Windows users. The worm, which is described as “mildly irksome” by computer experts, causes systems to flash up messages such as “follow the path of God or I shall give you a mild scolding”.
Parents are today united in shock after a Catholic faith school unanimously turned atheist. All pupils and teachers turned up to work believing that it would be another ordinary, Catholic, sort of day, and left school acknowledging that there is no God.
God has shocked followers by declaring that he is considering a transfer to Buddhism. The Lord, whose contract with Christianity expired at the turn of the millenium, has been on a rolling contract with the religion ever since, and has been courted by other religions on a regular basis.
Jesus has finally got round to responding to the Beatles’ famous jibe that they are bigger than him. Last night, the Messiah tweeted: “@theBeatles: no you are bloody not”.
Residents of Heaven have voiced concerns over the growing trend for commercial sponsorship in the Kingdom of God. Archangel Gabriel told the Daily Shame that “paradise is beginning to lose its soul”.
Local priest Connor O’Bullocks is tonight in hiding after admitting that he had a thing for legal-age women. Hordes of angry church-goers have picketed his house with signs saying “get this pervert out” and “we’ll have no hetero clergy skirt-lifters round here thanks”.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
