Patricia Hewitt tried to buy Stephen Byers with promises of Geoff Hoon
Wretched Labour MP Patricia Hewitt allegedly tried to buy colleague Stephen Byers from another colleague by promising Geoff Hoon in exchange. The sordid web of ministerial trading took place as part of a Channel 4 'sting' in which Hewitt was tricked into making the illegal purchase.
Mumsnet evacuated after Tory alert
Hundreds of middle-class mothers were evacuated from renegade website Mumsnet last night after warnings that senior Tories were on the site. In the first sign of a Tory offensive against Mumsnet, fears of oil slicks and "slippery patches" caused by greasy politicians on the website prompted the site's founder to sound the alarm, and rescue...
Silvio Berlusconi proud of new 36C breasts
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi today unveiled his new 36C breasts, which he claims will make him more of a man. The randy PM got his new knockers out for the press, and claimed that he is now spending "even more time in front of the mirror".
Greek economists unveil new economic ‘bum pinching’ index
Greek economists have unveiled a new economic index which they claim would have "predicted the economic woes several months ago" if they had been using it. The "bum pinching" index, published by the Greek government today shows close parallels between economic performance and police reports of English girls getting their arses pinched or smacked on...
Cameron unveils leaflet on “how to lose your Tory virginity”
The Tory party has unveiled the latest phase in its plan to entice first-time Tory voters with a pamphlet designed to help them "lose their Tory virginity". Critics have labelled the campaign "demeaning" and "slightly paedo-predatory", saying that "David Cameron looks like an oily elderly uncle trying to take his nieces and nephews to a...
Naked Nick Clegg goes unnoticed
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said he was "disappointed" that nobody had noticed him sitting naked at Prime Minister's Questions last week. Despite breaking house protocol by wearing absolutely nothing, the youthful MP was allowed into the chamber, sat for 30 minutes, and even asked two questions.
Northern Ireland cake-sharing deal “myopic at best” say Sinn Fein
Senior politicians have layed into the Northern Ireland cake-sharing deal saying that it is "myopic at best" and "leaves all the good bits to the wrong people". The cake, which was shared this morning after a long, protracted and bitter dispute, has gone rather stale and critics of the deal have been calling for a...
Catholics worried over Papal rapprochement with BNP
Senior Catholics have expressed concern over the Pope's declared intention of meeting with BNP leader Nick Griffin for tea and cakes. The meeting, organised for next Sunday, will be a "full and frank exchange of views" between Pope Benedict and the leader of the British National Party, but many are already calling it a "big...
Terrorists raise terror level threat to ‘thinking about it’
Al-Qaeda officials have raised the terror level threat in Great Britain to "thinking about it", causing junior terrorists to fly into a panic. The level was raised after Mustafa Jihad, Al-Qaeda's Chief Financial Officer, declared that the organisation would be "looking at diversifying into new terrorist avenues".
Christopher Biggins baby head a “mistake” say government officials
The government has been forced to apologise to the public for the direct.gov advert in which Christopher Biggins' head is superimposed onto the body of a baby. "It should have been noticed at an earlier stage", said a spokesman, "and we apologise for the upset, anger and vomiting that it has caused."
Brown to sacrifice Hoon on Hampstead Heath
Gordon Brown has promised to sacrifice former Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon on Hampstead Heath if the Labour government wins re-election in the forthcoming general election. Hoon, who is reportedly "uneasy" with the plans, will be sacrificed on the summer solstice, with a paying audience selected by ballot.
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