Con-Lib pact includes reduction of William Hague footprint
The Liberal Democrats have extracted a major concession from the Conservatives which involves the party drastically reducing its William Hague footprint.
Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Archive for the Category ‘Politics’
Breaking news: Brown resigns but Queen “not in”
Gordon Brown is seeking to resign as Prime Minister, but even the Queen does not want to talk to him, and has told sources at Buckingham Palace that “if that Scotsman calls, tell him I’m in Kenya or something. Anything so long as I don’t have to talk to him.” The monarch has even turned her mobile phone off, and has been avoiding the news for days.
God takes temporary charge of UK, atheists ‘worried’
The Lord has seized control of the United Kingdom, saying that even he has had enough of “all this indecision bollocks”. In an unprecedented move, the CEO of Christianity declared interim leadership of the UK, saying “you can have it back when you’ve sorted yourselves out”.
Toff boy worried Liberal girlfriend is seeing scruffy socialist ex
A love triangle has captured the imagination of locals in the Norfolk village of Shytte. Local toff Quentin Carruthers-Quietly has voiced concerns over his new liberal girlfriend, Shirley Middleground, claiming that she appears to be ’seeing’ her scruffy, working-class ex-boyfriend, Arthur Whippet.
Brown: “there must be a problem with my network”
Soon not-to-be PM Gordon Brown has demanded an inquiry into problems at Vodafone after what appeared to be ‘network problems’ occurred all throughout the weekend, meaning Brown received no phone calls whatsoever. Indeed, Brown says the problems started on Friday morning, and have since not been resolved.
Relieved nation get back to calling Farage a cock
British voters have spoken out over their relief that Nigel Farage escaped relatively unharmed from his plane crash last week. The former UKIP leader, who had been labelled a ‘cock’ before the accident, saw his ‘cock’ status temporarily lifted during his stay in hospital.
Cameron salutes swing to “meh”
David Cameron has saluted Britain’s swing to “meh” politics by not particularly choosing one party or the other. Hailing it as a victory for non-committal politics, the potential Prime Minister said it was a “momentously middling” moment in UK politics.
From our archives: BNP offers 2 gold coins to repatriate Saxons, Jutes and Angles
The Britannia National Party has pledged 2 gold coins for every Angle, Jute and Saxon who has invaded England, to go back “from whence they came”. The BNP says that “this country is full” and that every non-indigenous immigrant should pack their bags.
Everyone wins election debate
In an unprecedented situation, all three leaders have been declared winners of Thursday night’s election debate. The move comes as part of Labour’s initiative to extend the classroom “everyone’s a winner” attitude into politics.
Horse race to replace voting on election day
The Daily Shame can exclusively reveal that the general election will be determined by a horse race and not by voters in polling stations. Our source at the Electoral Commission confirmed that just three horses will be allowed to compete in the election race on 6 May.
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Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
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