Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
The Lord has seized control of the United Kingdom, saying that even he has had enough of “all this indecision bollocks”. In an unprecedented move, the CEO of Christianity declared interim leadership of the UK, saying “you can have it back when you’ve sorted yourselves out”.
A love triangle has captured the imagination of locals in the Norfolk village of Shytte. Local toff Quentin Carruthers-Quietly has voiced concerns over his new liberal girlfriend, Shirley Middleground, claiming that she appears to be ’seeing’ her scruffy, working-class ex-boyfriend, Arthur Whippet.
Soon not-to-be PM Gordon Brown has demanded an inquiry into problems at Vodafone after what appeared to be ‘network problems’ occurred all throughout the weekend, meaning Brown received no phone calls whatsoever. Indeed, Brown says the problems started on Friday morning, and have since not been resolved.
British voters have spoken out over their relief that Nigel Farage escaped relatively unharmed from his plane crash last week. The former UKIP leader, who had been labelled a ‘cock’ before the accident, saw his ‘cock’ status temporarily lifted during his stay in hospital.
David Cameron has saluted Britain’s swing to “meh” politics by not particularly choosing one party or the other. Hailing it as a victory for non-committal politics, the potential Prime Minister said it was a “momentously middling” moment in UK politics.
The Britannia National Party has pledged 2 gold coins for every Angle, Jute and Saxon who has invaded England, to go back “from whence they came”. The BNP says that “this country is full” and that every non-indigenous immigrant should pack their bags.
In an unprecedented situation, all three leaders have been declared winners of Thursday night’s election debate. The move comes as part of Labour’s initiative to extend the classroom “everyone’s a winner” attitude into politics.
The Daily Shame can exclusively reveal that the general election will be determined by a horse race and not by voters in polling stations. Our source at the Electoral Commission confirmed that just three horses will be allowed to compete in the election race on 6 May.
Britain’s bigots have blasted an elderly bigot for “not being bigoted enough” when speaking to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The elderly woman apparently showed “promising signs of bigotry”, according to the British Bigots Association (BBA), but “not enough”.
The future of the Real IRA was thrown into turmoil last night when a new organisation, the Real Real IRA came forward and claimed that it really was the real real IRA
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
