Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
It was meant to be an innocent party trick, a chance for Shytte-on-Sea resident Alabaster Woebetide-Smith to show off his talent for reading books backwards. However, after just two pages of Tony Blair’s autobiography, “A Journey,” Woebetide-Smith noticed the room starting to warm up. Within seconds, the Dark Lord was stood in front of him, demanding an explanation as to why he had been summoned.
Reviled Florida pastor Terry Jones has upset legions of unemployed Brits by burning OK! magazine as preparation for his burning of the Koran. The pastor, who claims that he only discovered fire two weeks ago, has been “warming up” for his incendiary celebration of mong-dom by burning a variety of lesser publications.
William Hague today admitted that his stay at the local YMCA lodge in Harrogate was “ill-judged, unwise, and rather silly”. The Foreign Secretary, who is most definitely not gay, told reporters that he regretted booking a bunk bed in a room with six other men.
Dear Readers, A few months ago, we posted an article which boldly claimed that Nick Clegg eats babies. In the article, we detailed at length how the Liberal Democrat leader and now Deputy Prime Minister would stalk the streets of Sheffield slavering at the chops in search of newborn blood.
A Tory MP was today accused of letting voters down after being found in what has been described as a “horrific state of sobriety”. Cuthbert von Rochester, MP for Thrush-on-Cheeks, told reporters that he was “absolutely 100% sorry” for his error.
David Cameron has praised Londoners for their “spirit and enterprise”, as the entire city evacuated ahead of Nicolas Sarkozy’s state visit. The French President, who arrived by Eurostar last night, walked the empty streets of the capital with his advisors, claiming it was “like Paris in August”.
David Cameron is to embark on an ambitious face-to-face cost-savings review with every UK citizen. According to plans drawn up by the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats, the Prime Minister will make a whirlwind tour of the country over the next three years, meeting roughly every single person of voting age.
Some have called it ‘a fitting gesture’. Others have called it ‘a bit stupid’, and have accused the Chancellor of ‘not going far enough’. George Osborne’s pledge to cut himself, however, has certainly got people talking.
The Labour Party has announced that it will decide on its future drinks choice by June 2011. The “Beverage For a Socialist Future” report lays out a clear path for the Party’s choice between tea and coffee, while outlining potential alternatives for those still unsure.
Cracks are already appearing in the fragile Lib-Con coalition, with some Liberal Democrat figures reporting anonymously that they have been “bullied” by senior Tories.
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
