Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Dear Readers, A few months ago, we posted an article which boldly claimed that Nick Clegg eats babies. In the article, we detailed at length how the Liberal Democrat leader and now Deputy Prime Minister would stalk the streets of Sheffield slavering at the chops in search of newborn blood.
A Tory MP was today accused of letting voters down after being found in what has been described as a “horrific state of sobriety”. Cuthbert von Rochester, MP for Thrush-on-Cheeks, told reporters that he was “absolutely 100% sorry” for his error.
David Cameron has praised Londoners for their “spirit and enterprise”, as the entire city evacuated ahead of Nicolas Sarkozy’s state visit. The French President, who arrived by Eurostar last night, walked the empty streets of the capital with his advisors, claiming it was “like Paris in August”.
David Cameron is to embark on an ambitious face-to-face cost-savings review with every UK citizen. According to plans drawn up by the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats, the Prime Minister will make a whirlwind tour of the country over the next three years, meeting roughly every single person of voting age.
Some have called it ‘a fitting gesture’. Others have called it ‘a bit stupid’, and have accused the Chancellor of ‘not going far enough’. George Osborne’s pledge to cut himself, however, has certainly got people talking.
The Labour Party has announced that it will decide on its future drinks choice by June 2011. The “Beverage For a Socialist Future” report lays out a clear path for the Party’s choice between tea and coffee, while outlining potential alternatives for those still unsure.
Cracks are already appearing in the fragile Lib-Con coalition, with some Liberal Democrat figures reporting anonymously that they have been “bullied” by senior Tories.
The Liberal Democrats have extracted a major concession from the Conservatives which involves the party drastically reducing its William Hague footprint.
Gordon Brown is seeking to resign as Prime Minister, but even the Queen does not want to talk to him, and has told sources at Buckingham Palace that “if that Scotsman calls, tell him I’m in Kenya or something. Anything so long as I don’t have to talk to him.” The monarch has even turned her mobile phone off, and has been avoiding the news for days.
The Lord has seized control of the United Kingdom, saying that even he has had enough of “all this indecision bollocks”. In an unprecedented move, the CEO of Christianity declared interim leadership of the UK, saying “you can have it back when you’ve sorted yourselves out”.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
