Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Dear Readers, A few months ago, we posted an article which boldly claimed that Nick Clegg eats babies. In the article, we detailed at length how the Liberal Democrat leader and now Deputy Prime Minister would stalk the streets of Sheffield slavering at the chops in search of newborn blood.
Nigeria’s seventh annual “Scammies” awards took place last night in Lagos, with the great and the good taking part in a lavish spectacle which rewarded Nigeria’s best scammers for their hard work and innovation. Host Billy Crystal told a rapturous audience that “hosting the Scammies is a dream come true – I’ve only paid £5,000 for the privilege….. so far!”
William Hague further endangered relations with India today by appointing himself Lord Viceroy of India, Preserver of the Taj Mahal, First Marquess Hague of Madras and Imbiber of Kingfisher, much to the ire of the locals. Hague, who remains unaware of the loss of the Empire, said that he would be “touring the colonies” to “quell the revolting natives”.
David Cameron has condemned the creator of a Facebook tribute page to Siobhan O’Dowd, the woman who set up a tribute page for Raoul Moat. The rectangular-headed Prime Minister called for Facebook themselves to shut down the tribute page.
The Orange order marches will include a freestyle section from next year in an attempt to appeal more to Northern Ireland’s youth. The marches, which are a traditional part of the annual Catholic Taunting calendar, are seen by many as “a bit sombre” and “far too serious”.
The government committee set up to investigate global warming has accused Polar Bears of “exaggerating” the melting of the ice caps. Rupert Murdoch, who kindly volunteered to head up the commission, said “there is startling evidence that polar bears have been putting on a bit of a show.”
A Tory MP was today accused of letting voters down after being found in what has been described as a “horrific state of sobriety”. Cuthbert von Rochester, MP for Thrush-on-Cheeks, told reporters that he was “absolutely 100% sorry” for his error.
David Cameron batted off accusations that his government was relying on product placement to fund its lavish lifestyle by creating two new cabinet positions: Chief Secretary for Tastiness and Minister for Total Satisfaction. The posts will be occupied by two of Cameron’s closest advisers, Ben and Jerry.
Israel has apologised after its intervention in last weekend’s Henley Regatta. Israeli stormtroopers boarded the Marlow Boys’ boat as it approached the finish line, and arrested four boys on suspicion of shipping ‘dirty bombs’ with an intention of destroying Israel.
With an average of 70 students per job advertised, experts have warned that students need “a plummy accent and a dollop of nepotism” to get a job. Jobs For Toffs (JFT), the influential thinktank behind the report, said that “it has never been easier for a rich boy with a well-connected Dad”.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
