Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Cross-channel relations are at an all-time low as Shytte-on-Sea mayor Winston Cumbersome tore up the twin town agreement between his town and the French village of Coquine-sur-Yvette. The discovery that Coquine had twinned itself with at least five other towns left Cumbersome in despair, with “no alternative” but to find a more “loyal” twin town for Shytte-on-Sea.
Yesterday’s grudge match between Shytte Rovers and Oxminster Acne ended 0-0 as all 22 players refused to acknowledge each other. A string of feuds and rivalries spilled over into a bitch-fest of blanking and pretending not to notice each other.
The local Shytte-on-Sea fire brigade has been given a “serious warning” after a blaze at the local fish shop turned nasty when they decided to fight fire with fire. The error was acknowledged by station manager Wayne Voracious, who claimed that he “thought it might be a good idea.”
A Shytte-on-Sea resident has won control of Portsmouth Football Club after a game of cards “got out of control” at the Dog and Disco pub last night. He says that he will give “110%” to the club despite his limited finances.
Cats have joined forces to encourage people to stop using the word “pussy” as it has negative connotations for the feline world. “Actually, we’re quite tough”, said Mr Tiddles, spokesman for FUDGE, the Feline Understanding Democratic Group of Europe.
The children of controversial climate bloke Rajendra Pachauri have spoken out for the first time about a lifetime of “lies and deceit”. The global warming scientist was unavailable for comment after it was revealed that he had given his children a number of fake warnings throughout their childhood.
The game between Shytte Rovers and Crapwater Snorkels in the Norfolk Exhaust Pipes League Division 2 came to an end yesterday after 32 minutes as players realised that nobody was actually watching them.
While Britain breathes a sigh of relief that it has finally come out of recession, the Humberside town of Dullby today proudly proclaimed that it “didn’t want to come out of recession” and that it was happy where it was. Town Mayor Dexter Downbeatte told reporters “we’re in the doldrums and no amount of positive spin is going to get us out of it, now leave us alone.”
Wyvern regular Brian Battystock has promised to keep his feet firmly on the ground after winning a record £26.10 on the pub jackpot machine. He has already become the subject of begging letters and fevered speculation in the Norfolk village of Shytte as a result of his “amazing evening” last Tuesday.
Residents of the Norfolk village of Shytte are today in mourning after the shock death of their snowman, Stephen. The snowman, age 7 days, was found in a state of thaw with his head detached from his body.
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
